


The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shots

by OnEaglesWings



Category: Supernatural
Genre: ALTHOUGH I DO FIERCELY LOVE HIM, Abuse, Abusive Parents, Alternate Universe - High School, Betrayal, Concerts, Depression, Destiel - Freeform, Drug Addict Castiel, Eventual Happy Ending, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Football Player Dean, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, I Don't Even Know, Kansas, Kissing, Loss of Virginity, Lots of Music, M/M, Mentions of Eating Disorder, Mentions of Suicide, Minor Character Death, Other, POV Alternating, Panic Attacks, Rocker Dean, Stuff, THERE IS NO SAM IN THIS STORY, Tragedy: Death of a Brother, quick to build, selfharm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-11
Updated: 2014-11-27
Packaged: 2018-02-12 16:03:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 16
Words: 79,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2116080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnEaglesWings/pseuds/OnEaglesWings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ask him to describe himself with one word, Castiel would probably say "hopeless". It's a miracle he's even made it to his senior year of highschool. When he is paired up with a certain Dean Winchester in Chemistry, both boys are surprised to find sparks flying. Although, when Castiel bet he could sleep with Dean by graduation, he wasn't planning on this. He knew he was "hopeless" but is he completely "heartless" as well? The one about music, misdirection, and the consequences of falling in love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Castiel, come down for breakfast!” His mother’s shrill voice could be heard all the way throughout the house. Castiel didn’t move, he continued to stand in front of his bathroom mirror, gauging whether or not the thin gray sweater and dark skinny jeans he has on is an acceptable outfit for his first day. He cocked his head to the side and surveyed his outfit with squinty blue eyes, finally deciding that it’s acceptable, even though he probably wore it the first day of his junior year. The sweater hid his bandages and even if the skinny jeans were looser then they were last year, he knew it would suffice.

“CASTIEL!” Shit, it was his dad this time, and judging by the tone of voice, he was pissed. Castiel moved through the house quickly, nearly running over Gabriel, his little brother. The thirteen year olds just starting eighth grade and Castiel could tell he’d been up for hours, changing his outfit and parting and gelling his hair at least eight different times. The two of them skidded into the kitchen and sat down at the island. Castiel could feel his stomach already starting to churn at the prospect of food. He had managed to skip dinner last night, but he could tell as his mother set a heaping plate of fluffy yellow eggs in front of him that’s not an option this morning.

He ate slowly, moving the food around his plate strategically, while Gabriel scarfed it down like a dying man at his last Thanksgiving. Their father entered the room and looked at them disapprovingly, his eyes lingering on Castiel’s arms before moving away with vague interest. “Good morning, boys.” Castiel stiffened and didn’t raise his eyes from his fork. 

“Good morning, father.” Gabe’s chipper voice was undaunted by his dad’s menacing air, his thoughts clearly on the prospect of school. Castiel continued to stare at his plate, his fist clenched around his fork. It was silent for a minute except for Gabriel’s chewing.

“Castiel?” Rachel, their mother, raised her eyebrows at her eldest son, her voice betraying the subtle irritation that always appeared when they spoke.

“Good morning, dad.” His gravelly, baritone voice pierced the tension in the air. His dad huffed and shook his head, muttering something under his breath. Castiel felt his wrist begin to ache again.

Gabriel excused himself and went to brush his teeth, sending Cas an apologetic look as he left. Cas continued to stare at the food set down before him. The room was silent again, his father read the newspaper, his mother had long since stopped humming show tunes in the kitchen, and Castiel could hear his heartbeat. Maybe he could make the eggs disappear with his mind. “May I be excused?” Castiel knew he shouldn’t be late on his first day of senior year, and he desperately needed a smoke before class.

His mother glared at his plate, but didn’t argue. Castiel knows she didn’t care anyway, and her breath was already stained with wine, so he wouldn’t be getting any real arguments. 

“Sure.” There was the slightest hint of a slur in her voice. He got up and cleared his place, avoiding his father’s gaze from the table. His mother stopped him on the way out. “Castiel?” He turned and cocked his head; already tasting the sweet nicotine he had waiting in his jacket pocket. She looked pointedly at the counter and Castiel sighed.

The little orange bottle containing his antidepressants sat on the counter, like always. He moved to take the prescribed two and slipped them under his tongue, like always. This routine was old, mundane, and, frankly, he was sick of it. Those pills wouldn’t help anyway. They were expensive and pointless. Castiel preferred Prozac, which he kept stored up in a hefty supply under his floorboard, curtsey of Crowley, his dealer. That’s where he went next, after spitting out his prescription in the toilet and flushing it away. He’s going to need something stronger then that anyway.

“Good luck today, Gabriel!” His little brother waved appreciatively from the passenger seat of his father’s car. His dad, a preacher, drove to church every morning, dropping Gabe off on the way. His mother worked as a decorator, a successful one, considering their house is five times bigger then any of Castiel’s friends. It was huge and stylish, vaulted ceilings, marble staircase. Castiel hated it more then anything.

Two Prozac, sugar on his tongue. They slipped down his throat as he mounted his motorcycle, heading to Lawrence High. He drove down the quiet early morning roads, loving the way the wind pierced his face underneath the helmet’s visor. He loved the way the street streaked away underneath him, as if he had the wings to fly away. It made him feel free, almost. That thought came and went, freedom itching under his skin. He swallowed hard. He knows, deep down, this was as free as he will ever get. 

****

“Get up, Dean.”

Dean scowled, shaking the sleep from his eyes as the door slammed shut again. His dad never was much of a morning person, and he probably had a hangover from last night. He winced at the memory, the stench of whiskey still permeating their small apartment, his cheek throbbing in a dull ache from where his father struck him. Dean just wanted out of this damn house.

He got ready quickly, showering and getting dressed in a faded band shirt and work boots. He knew senior year was special, and he should have been excited, but graduating high school was like a retirement to a Winchester. He knew college wasn’t an option without a full football scholarship, he’d always known that, so this final year seemed more like a punishment then an opportunity. 

John Winchester was already gone by the time Dean’s ready for school. It’s no surprise, but it still relatively stung. At least he left the Impala, Dean thought numbly as he slid into the massive black car, the engine purring with satisfaction. Dean loved that car, more then his father ever would. He grasped the wheel and smiled, despite himself. Maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad year after all.

After he picked up Jo, his best friend, from the Roadhouse, her parent’s bar and Dean’s second home, he sped down to the highschool, only half listening to Jo as she complained about Bobby and Ellen, her folks.

“…God, they are so annoying! I mean, damn, I know she seems amazing but Ellen can be such a pushover sometime, you know what I mean? I just want to kill her when-” As soon as she said it the air tenses up, as though it dropped ten degrees in a matter of seconds. Dean’s tightened his grip on the wheel till his knuckles turned white. “I-shit….I’m sorry, Dean. I didn’t mean to…” Joe’s face was pale and her voice shook, she never was a stutterer. 

Dean forced himself to grin and simply nodded. “No worries, Joe.” He tried to relax and calm the burn in his heart. “But for the record, I think your mom’s awesome. A real MILF if you ask me.”

Joe laughed; the relief evident in her voice and swatted his arm good naturally. “Shut UP, Winchester. Everyone and their uncle knows you’re gayer then rainbows. Don’t even try to tell me different.” Dean just shrugged and smirked as they pulled up calmly into the school’s parking lot.

Dean whistled appreciatively at the shiny motorcycle parked next to his baby. “Damn, that thing must have cost my entire life’s worth.”

Joe glanced over towards the bike. “Oh, that’s Castiel Novak’s. He’ll murder you if you even touch the thing.” Dean circled it hungrily, admiring the leather and pristine metal. “You know, I hear he plays for both teams.” Dean raised his eye brows at her and she shrugged, grinning. “Hey, something to think about.”

Dean left the motorcycle almost reluctantly behind and the pair made their way to the front doors, already spotting their friends in the mix. “Joe, that boy is so ridiculously stuck up; he could spit out diamonds. I’m surprised he even goes to this shithole.” They made their way inside, and turned to leave each other. Dean had English first, Joe’s got Math. They wouldn’t see each other again till fourth period, Chemistry. 

Joe tossed her hair over her shoulder, already turning to leave. “He’s got gorgeous eyes though.”

“That he does. One killer ass, too.” Dean winked at Joe’s bemused expression and headed to class, eager to just get the day over with. One more down till graduation.

****

Castiel’s high began to fade before third period. The pills he took had made him feel good enough, but the effects of no sleep were beginning to catch up to him. He left Statistics with a heavy head, debating skipping fourth for some well deserved coffee and a nap in the warm comfort of the library.

“Castiel!” He turned at the sound of his name and two bright red heads with infectious smiles stood behind him in an instant. He broke out into a real grin, the first one of the day and hugged them both in turn.

“Charlie! Anna! God, I fuckin’ missed you. How was Canada?” The twin sisters beamed, and both launched into stories from their summer vacation, skiing and boys, all the stuff they did. They are easily two of Castiel’s bestfriends, a position he did not take lightly, and the sisters felt the same. He nodded along with them as the three trekked to Chemistry. Anna peeled off for History, but promised to find them for lunch. Her red hair shone out like a light in the dark amid the students milling through the halls.

Charlie linked arms with Castiel. “Oh, I almost forgot!” She reached into her patchwork bag and pulled out a thermos. “Iced coffee for you.” Cas’ eyes widened.

“Charlie, I love you.”

Charlie grinned. “I know.” Her face fell a little and she twisted her arm out of Castiel’s. “You know, last year whenever I offered you coffee, you turned it down. Does that mean…” 

Castiel painted on a smile and nodded. “Completely clean, my dear. Haven’t done anything in months!” The lie tasted sour on his tongue, and guilt kneaded in his heart at Charlie’s vibrant expression.

“Castiel, that’s wonderful! We were really worried there for awhile but-“ They arrived at Chemistry and Cas threw a warning look her way. Nobody else knew about Cas’ problems, not even his little brother. The secret that he shared with the twins would destroy him if it ever got out. Charlie nodded somberly and tightened her lips into a line. They entered the Chemistry lab together and surveyed the room. Castiel groaned inwardly at the sight of his fellow peers.

Castiel noticed Jo and waved to her, earning a smile in return. They were acquaintances, he wouldn’t go as far to say friends, but they sat at the same lunch table sometimes, and he saw her at the same parties. The boy next to her had his back turned, so Castiel looked around the rest of the room. 

He and Charlie made their way over to a group by the window. Tessa, Chuck, Balthazar, and Garth were all laughing loudly, and they greeted the pair with wide smiles and tight hugs, just like always. Their summers were spent apart, as usual, but they managed to rekindle as soon as they met back up.

“Cassie.” Tessa whispered to him, and he leaned in close to hear her, flinching slightly at the girly nickname Balthazar had made up. “Meg Masters is staring at you like some kind of prey.” Castiel turned, and sure enough the curvy brunette locked eyes dead on with him. She waved and he grinned, winking at her, making her blush. She’s hot, sure, but Castiel had never felt much attraction to her. She was disturbed, even more so then Castiel. His wrist throbbed at that thought, but he ignored it, letting the pain burn out on its own. Meg may be out of control, but Castiel was downright wild.

Mr. Edlund came in, surveying his Senior Chemistry class with an air of disappointment and boredom. His voice was monotone and drab, barely masking his lack of interest. “Welcome to Chemistry. I can see you have already chosen seats, although I’ll be assigning them momentarily.” The class groaned and he glared at them in annoyance. Castiel sighed and glanced at Charlie who looked severely disgruntled. She leaned over and whispered in his ear. “Fuck this. You gonna be okay, Cassie?”

He sighed, rolling his eyes at the prospect of having to socialize with a lab partner all period. “My people skills are a bit rusty.” She gave him a sympathetic nod, whispering back a quiet “Me too.” They all gathered their books and moved to the front. Mr. Edlund began calling names slowly while they shuffled to their seats.

“Charlie Bradbury with….Joanna Harvelle.” Charlie smiled and the girls sat together, chatting quietly as everyone else is seated. He felt a pang of jealousy watching the pair; he had never had that sort of ease around people.

Cas waited…and waited…and waited. “Meg Masters with Lisa Braden.” Lisa scowled and Meg grinned like the Cheshire. “Tessa Reaper and…” He squinted at his own handwriting. He looked up and pointed at Garth. “You.” Garth nodded and sat down, his books sliding off the desk and onto the floor. Two tables left, all the way in the back. Mr. Edlund pointed to the one in the middle. “Castiel Novak and…Dean Winchester.” Castiel’s breathe all but caught in his throat.

 

****

They sat without speaking, a good distance apart. Castiel tried to focus, but he couldn’t help but cast sidelong glances at his partner. Dean was…beautiful. Chiseled jaw, cropped brown hair, tan skin with a smatter of freckles…and his eyes. Bright, grass green. So alive and bright, unlike the deadness Castiel sometimes found in the mirror. Dean was entrancing, and every glance Castiel made left his heart racing in his chest.

Castiel could remember when Dean came out of the closet sophomore year. Kansas, surprisingly, met it with tolerance. He was the star football player, and his charisma was infectious, charming smile, give-em-hell attitude, the kind of man you would want to meet your parents. The town had made him a poster boy of fags, although Dean never encouraged that. While young boys everywhere looked up to him as ‘a brave leader for sexual equality’, he simply sat quietly and held hands with his boyfriend at the time. His name had been Benny, and he had moved away after they split up. Dean had apparently been really broken up about it, but here he was, sitting in Chemistry, seemingly fine.

Castiel had wanted Dean since the second they crossed paths. Of course, he knew Dean wasn’t his type. Castiel was straight, or so he told his parents. It wasn’t like he watched gay porn on the weekends; he didn’t watch porn at all. He had slept with girls before, and a few guys. People knew he wasn’t completely hetero, just mostly. But there was something about Dean that made his pulse quicken. And here he was, a foot away, wearing that damn leather jacket. Castiel couldn’t think of one thing to say.

****

Dean’s palms were sweating, his mind trying to fight off all the dirty thoughts about the boy sitting next to him. He had thought maybe it was a trick of the light, but when Castiel blinked at him with wide eyes, he swore he saw the heavens there. They were so…perfect. Beautiful. They had this magnitude in them that Dean couldn’t quite understand. It made his heart beat faster, and when he sat down next to Castiel he made sure to look dead ahead, afraid that any eye contact and Dean could be lost forever in all that fucking blue.

He remembered Castiel. He had been there at the funeral, although they had been just kids then. Castiel’s father had given the service. He saw him around school, they had some similar friends, and he knew that Castiel was a rich-as-shit boy who apparently was up for anything. When Benny was still around, he had told Dean stories about Castiel. He had driven a car into Lisa’s pool at her sweet sixteen party. He had gotten head in the library behind the bookshelves during a study hall period. Anything you could think of, Castiel Novak had done it. He was a total badass, but when Dean looked into his eyes all he saw was pure, unbridled sadness.

He had never seen anyone that sad before. Maybe his dad, but he always remembered his dad as being miserable, so Dean just got used to it. Castiel looked like a lost kitten, begging for someone to hold them. As much as Dean willed the thought away, all he could imagine while they sat in Chemistry was sleeping next to Castiel, and waking the next morning next to those blue eyes full of happiness.

“Please, turn to your partner. I’ll give you a few minutes to get to know each other.” Mr. Edlund sat heavily on his swivel chair and looked up at the ceiling absently.

Dean turned to look at Castiel, immediately being enveloped in his aquatic eyes. “Dean Winchester.” He noticed Castiel had his ears pierced, and a small cartilage ring glimmered on the top of his left ear. 

Castiel’s expression looked vacant once again, the mask thrown over the sadness like Dean had perfected so many years ago. “I’m Castiel Novak.” 

Dean nodded and rubbed his neck. Castiel had a voice unlike Dean had ever heard. It was rich and sexy, like dark chocolate and gravel that sent shivers down Dean’s spine. “What do you like to do, Castiel?”

He smiled inattentively. “Drugs.” Dean raised his eyebrows. He knew Castiel wasn’t exactly clean cut, but he hadn’t expected the forwardness. Castiel looked up at him through his lashes. Dean grinned.

“Me too, man, me too.” Castiel nodded, biting his bottom lip. Dean stared, transfixed at the motion. He swallowed hard, desire pooling in his stomach. It was quiet for awhile. Castiel was the first to break the silence.

“Did you know if the sun burnt out it would take eight minutes for the world to go dark?” He played with the hem of his sweater absently.

Dean paused, thinking hard about his response. “I did not know that. Pretty fucked up though, I guess.” Dean thought about how dark it would be. No light at all from the outside, just unbroken darkness. Dean would rather flames. He shuddered involuntarily. Again, it was quiet and slightly awkward. “So, Cas, how would you spend those eight minutes? After the sun burnt out but before the darkness I mean.”

Cas’ eyes widened and he looked up at Dean. “Cas? You called me Cas.” Dean looked back at him with equally large eyes and shrugged. Castiel looked down at his hands and twisted the ring on his finger. Dean felt uncomfortable, and turned to face the front again. When Cas spoke it was a whisper. “I guess I would find some good company, lie in bed with music playing and smoke a little bit. Just kind of…wait for the darkness you know?”

Dean smiled lightly, just as the bell rang, signaling the end of class. He had been thinking the exact same thing, “Yeah. Yeah I know.”

****

Cas liked his new nickname. His real name was angelic, and beautiful in its own way, but Cas sounded comfortable. He especially liked it coming from Dean’s lips. Of course, he had been extremely embarrassed when he found himself talking about the sun to Dean, but Dean didn’t seem to mind. In fact, he had seemed almost impressed. Cas liked that.

The next few days past by smoothly, and Cas began to look forward to fourth period. He and Dean would relax in the back, take notes and talk quietly about anything. Music, school, people. Anything that came to mind. It was easy to talk to Dean. It made Cas feel…whole.

Of course, that didn’t change things at home. His mother still drank, his father still gazed at him with an air of disappointment, muttering about hell and rapture while Cas stared at his food, untouched. Gabe continued to be oblivious, and Cas simply took to his room with some bud, music, and his trusty razor blade. Nobody ever asked him why he wore long sleeves in the middle of August. Cas knew they just didn’t care.

It happened on a Tuesday. Two weeks and one day after he got paired up with Dean, and so far everything had been fine. They exchanged numbers but never texted, nodded at each other in the hallways, the whole nine yards. Occasionally their knees would bump under the table or their hands would brush and both boys would freeze, lingering for a few seconds before pulling away, faces flushed. 

It was lunchtime, and Cas was sitting under a tree, watching as Dean talked to his football buddies. The air was brisker then normal, and Dean’s leather jacket had been replaced with a red and white letterman jacket from the football team. Cas wanted nothing more then to wrap himself up in the jacket, and smell Dean, motor oil, leather, and a bit like vinyl records. It was fair to say he had a little more then a crush on the guy.

“Hello, Clarence.” Cas looked up idly at Meg. He didn’t care for that nickname very much. Castiel had stopped flirting with her, but she was consistent. He just wasn’t interested, and the affections bordered on annoying.

Crowley stood next to her, arms folded, looking at Cas like he was some type of trash left out on the beach. Cas sighed.

“Meg.” He responded, curtly. “Crowley.” She shimmied down next to him, her skirt riding up around her thighs although the air was brisk. Crowley sat on his other side, far too close for comfort. Cas made a point to look at Dean in the opposite direction. He sighed.

Meg must have noticed because she huffed and crossed her arms. “So that’s what this is all about. You know, I see you and Winchester in fourth period. I think it’s hilarious, watching you try and catch those dapper green eyes. A guy like Dean would never go for a guy like you. He may be gay, but, hun, come on. The kid is the all-American dream, sob story and all. And you’re…well…you.”

Cas glared sidelong at her. “What’s that supposed to mean? Dean likes me just fine”

Meg matched his glare with a snort. Crowley cut in, his eyes looking murderous even in the warm sunshine. “You’re a burnout, Castiel. A bored little rich kid with no real aspirations. You ever see Dean’s last hit? Benny was a star athlete, and went to an Ivy. Good luck competing with that.” He paused. “Besides, Dean’s not all rich and spoiled like you. The kid is suave as they come. That sweater you got on probably costs as much as everything in his house.” Meg cackled into her hand.

Cas stared down at his black sweater. It was designer, but his mom bought it not him. It itched and felt rough, but Cas liked the way it bagged over his narrow hips. He thought it made him look skinnier. It was one of the few items of clothing Cas felt at home in.

Cas scoffed, trying to hide the burn in his heart. “Meg, you’re just a jealous bitch. Dean likes me, hell, who knows. We might end up being real close sometime soon. So shut the fuck up, okay?” Meg didn’t even appear fazed.

“Alright fine, Castiel, I’ll play. I bet you your motorcycle that you can’t get Dean to sleep with you by the end of the school year.” Crowley smiled, looking like a shark circling its prey.

Cas paused, cracking his knuckles and staring at Dean. Meg was renowned for making deals like this. It was probably paying for her education. It could be easy, he knew Dean had a longtime boyfriend in the past; they probably did it all the time. He pulled a cigarette from his pocket and lit it, ignoring the high schools no smoking policy. He had been smoking a lot lately. It was much easier then popping pills.

“By the end of the year?” Meg nodded, with a devilish glint in her eyes. Cas thought for another minute before grinning at her. “What if I win?”

Meg raised her eyebrows. “Easy. I’ll pay for your drugs.” Cas smirked and turned away. “I’m serious. You get in those jeans by the end of the year, all narcotics are on me.”

“Deal.” Crowley’s eyes widened.

“You’re serious? If you lose, I get your bike.”

Cas shrugged. “Hey, he’s good looking enough. Might even be fun.” He reached out his hand. “Shake on it?”

Meg shook her head. “Oh no, baby, we seal this deal with a kiss.” She leaned in and smacked her lips against Castiel’s. He kissed back, sliding his tongue into her mouth, drawing it out till she shifted closer, asking for more. He pushed her back after a few seconds, bored already. She lingered against his cheek, but he brushed her off easily.

“You’ve got yourself a deal.”

Meg huffed. “I need proof.”

Cas glared at her. “What, you want me to record it or something? Steal his boxers so you can hide them for keepsake? Sick little girl, Meg.”

Meg rolled her eyes. “No, jackass. Bring me his letterman jacket before graduation, and he has to give it to you.” Cas nodded, already standing up to leave. “Hey, Cas, I’m already looking forward to taking that sweet bike out on the town!” Crowley grinned. He flipped them off behind him and made his way inside.

Dean waved at him good naturedly in the hallway, and Cas returned it with a rare smile. Guilt tugged at his heart. Cas had never been good at living up to people’s expectations, but had he really sank so low that he was betting on other people’s hearts? That was pathetic, even for him.

He wondered how hard Dean would fall once he found out the truth.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is loosely based off of Perfect Chemistry by Simone Elkeles. Any songs mentioned will be given credit at the bottom. I'll try to update every other week but it'll be pretty spontaneous depending on my schedule. Also, there are many trigger warnings, sexual content, and various mentions of things like depression, anorexia, suicide, etc. Please do not take this warning lightly. On that note, thank you all so much for reading please give me some feedback if you have time!

Dean liked Castiel. He liked the way he smelled like pot and rain, he liked the way his piercings look, and how when he wore v-neck sweaters you could see a glimpse of a tattoo. Talking to Cas was easy, and Dean began to withhold a steady banter with the kid, something he hadn’t done since Benny.

When Benny broke up with him, Dean was crestfallen. Benny was older and had been leaving for college, but Dean sincerely had liked him. He was rough and burly, had a slight accent, curled his lips when he spoke, and he had been kind to Dean, who at the time had been an awkward football player struggling to face his sexuality. Benny had brought to light all the things Dean now liked about himself. It had been hard to lose that, but he saw a bit of that character in Cas.

Castiel, of course, was righteously fucked up. He was high half the time, and Dean ended up doing most of the work, although Cas’ test scores showed that he was incredibly smart. To a degree, Dean didn’t mind. Castiel was funny and interesting and they got along like they were bonded. It was good to have, even if they only spoke during fourth period.

It’s Thursday night when Dean’s phone vibrated next to him. He was sitting on his bed, playing his guitar, listening to his dad drink in the other room. Usually, his dad passed out around eleven but the clock read two AM and John is still going strong. Dean knew he was in for a long night.

Dean checked the screen of his phone. He was surprised to see an unknown number flashing on the message ID. He unlocked it and read the message, his pulse quickening ever so slightly.

Castiel: Hey, Dean. It is Castiel, your chemistry partner. I got your number from Jo, hope you don’t mind. Are you awake?

For a burnout, the kid talked like a professor. Dean grinned and put his guitar in its precious holder. He flopped down on the bed and texted back.

Dean: Yeah, it’s totally fine, what up?

It was a few more minutes before he got a reply.

Castiel: I was thinking about the project that was assigned to us for chemistry. We have till the end of the year, and I might have some ideas.

Dean: okay, what are they?

Castiel: I was thinking submarines.

Dean paused, hearing a glass bottle smash against the wall. If he didn’t get to sleep soon, school would be a bitch and he might have to cancel the gig for Friday night. He sighed and grabbed his headphones and IPod, settling in with some music to drown out the noise. He texted Cas back and then shut his phone off, tossing it across the room.

Dean: Submarines are cool. If you’re free we can get together Monday after school and figure it out.

He woke up the next morning to an empty house. The living room was trashed, his dad was gone, and there wasn’t any food in the fridge. Dean went about cleaning the living room, sweeping up the glass and righting chairs. One of the picture frames had broken. Dean picked it off the floor and took it to his room, placing it on the dresser and staring at the four faces smiling up at him. What had become of his family?

His phone stayed off till they pulled up into the parking lot. When he turned it on, it buzzed once, broadcasting that he had one new message.

Castiel: Sure, my place Monday after school. We can take my bike.

Dean grinned, thinking about that handsome black bike tearing down the streets with two people on the back. It was a long lived fantasy that lasted Dean all the way to fourth period.

Adam blocked him in the hallway before he could make it to Chemistry. The kid was a junior, but he could play the drums like Travis Barker, so Dean had invited him to join, despite the age difference.

“Hey, Dean! Are you ready for tonight? I hear a bunch of kids from school are going! I gotta say, I’m a bit nervous about the whole thing.” Dean smiled distractedly, itching to get to his fourth period class.

“You’ll be fine, Adam. You know where to meet us right?” Adam nodded. “Then don’t worry about it. I’m sure that we will kick ass.” Dean moved passed him, the bell was going to ring soon and Dean couldn’t afford to skip this class.

“Okay! Bye Dean!” Dean raised his hand in reply as he raced through the highschool hallways. He used to dread science, but this year was different. This year, it was his favorite part of the day.

 

****

“Castiel! Castiel!” Cas turned around, the joint hanging unlit from his lips. Charlie and Anna ran up and stood grinning at him. He pulled the wrap from his mouth and stuffed it away, smiling back at them.

“Hey guys. What’s up? I was just-“

Charlie’s faced looked almost comical with a grin that wide. “Are you going tonight?”

Anna leaned forward, her cherry hair fell slightly in her face. “You HAVE to go, please! Joe is having a party afterwards at her parents bar!”

Cas leaned against his bike, racking his brain for what he was missing. When he came up short, he just tilted his head slightly. “Go to what?”

Charlie sighed and rummaged around her bag, pulling out a flyer and shoving it towards Cas. It read in big letters: “COME SEE THE FALLEN ANGELS PLAY AT CROCIDILE CAFÉ IN DOWNTOWN LAWRENCE” Cas read through the small description of the band. They were rock n roll, played covers of familiar bands, and seemed interesting enough. He was due for a night out, although concerts usually weren’t his thing. He was set to say no, but when he looked up he saw the tense hope on both girl’s faces and he couldn’t refuse.

“Sounds great! Pick me up at seven.”

****

Cas waited on his porch for the girls to come. He was wearing jeans and a black button down, and he had even put on some eyeliner, more out of defiance to his mom then actually enjoying how it looked. His hair was a mess and the cuts on his arms stung a bit, but he drowned out all his apprehensions with a Prozac and a gram of Pittsburgh’s finest bud. He was in the perfect mood for a concert.

They drove through the city in Anna’s red car, Cas sat in the back with Tessa and Chuck, drumming his fingers on his thighs while he listens to his friends talk about the band and the party after.

“Is Dean going to be there?” They turned and gave him a funny look. It was quiet for a little while.

Tessa laughed and patted Castiel’s back. “Oh, yeah, Cas. He’ll be there.”

Castiel nodded and turned to look out the window again. He knew that he should get a move on and try to get with Dean. With each passing day, he resented the bet more and more but there was nothing he could do now. Sooner or later, Cas was sure his guilt would fade back into the numbness he had become so used to.

The venue was a dank and crowded basement in the center city. Cas and the rest of his friends bought their tickets and headed down into the crowd, waving to people they knew and generally making their way up to the front. It was five minutes before the show started that they reached the barricade. Cas slung his arms over the metal and glanced around himself, looking for Dean. He had seen a bunch of Dean’s friends here, but there was no sign of the actual boy himself.

The lights dimmed and a few people came out onto stage, setting up their guitars and such while Castiel scanned the crowd. The people were already cheering and jumping around, although the music hadn’t began yet. Cas sighed and turned his eyes back to Charlie, who holding hands with some girl next to her. Cas grinned and watched as the pair looked excitedly at the stage. Cas’ mood had turned sour but it was nice to know at least someone was having some fun.

“Hey guys!” A cheer went up from the crowd and Cas turned his eyes to the stage. Jo was there, standing in front of keyboard, holding a microphone to her painted red lips. Alongside her was a skinny blonde kid and a gruff looking black boy who Castiel had seen playing football with Dean on the courtyard. “So, we’re the Falling Angels” another cheer from the crowd “and we are from a highschool around here. Thank you all so much for coming out to-.” Jo was interrupted by a startling scream from the crowd as the rest of the band came onto the stage. The girl behind Cas jumped up to try and get barricade, and he was pushed down under her weight.

“Woah, hey, guys, thanks so much for coming out tonight. Like Jo said, we’re the Falling Angels. Okay, here we go. This song is one of my favorites.” Cas struggled to stand back up, his heart pounding madly at the voice emanating from the microphone. “It’s called Twin Sized Mattress.” Dean was standing up on stage, an electric guitar in his hands. The crowd screamed and began to form a mosh pit, but Cas stood stationary, staring up at Dean as his lips began to form the lyrics.

Cas felt himself be pushed to the side and he responded immediately, jumping into the pit, letting himself be thrown from side to side while Dean sang up on the stage. 

_“…with tears in my eyes I begged you to stay, you said ‘Hey, man, I love you, but no fucking way’…”_

Cas vaguely recognized the song from one of Anna’s mix tapes that she forced on him in abundance. Dean’s voice was smooth and Cas fought his way to the front again, clinging onto the barricade and holding on for dear life.

Dean’s green eyes scanned the crowd as he sang, watching as waves of people rocked along to the song’s beat. Cas was entranced by the way Dean’s lips twisted to sing the words. 

_“…I wanna contribute to the chaos, I don’t want to watch and then complain, cause I am through finding ways that is a decision that I have made…”_

Dean pulled the microphone off the stand and jumped around the stage, riling up the crowd even more. His guitar swung on his back and he tipped back his head, his expression almost peaceful despite the madness around him. He slid on his knees, facing the crowd, and in a split second instant he looked right down into Castiel’s eyes.

Cas was gripping the barricade, beaming up at Dean, feeling more alive then he had in forever. In the moment, when their eyes met, Castiel forgot all about everything that had happened to him in the last few months. He wanted to stay in that second forever, let himself be carried away by the sheer importance of all of it.

But, like all moments, it passed. Dean grinned and winked at him, holding his gaze for a second to long before launching back into the song. 

_“…she hopes I’m cursed forever to sleep on a twin sized mattress in somebody’s attic or basement my whole life…never graduating up in size to add another and my nightmares will have nightmares every night, every night, oh, every night…”_

They finished off the song with a dramatic flourish and the crowd went batshit insane, screaming and pushing forward. Cas yelled along with them, grabbing Anna’s hand and pulling her up towards the stage, laughing harder then he had in a long time, finally feeling free.

They finished their set an hour later and the crowd began to disperse. Cas was sweaty and tired, having been jostled around all night by hard-core concert goers. It had been worth every second. His ears were ringing from all the screaming and when he tried to speak it came out throatier then usual. He staggered out of the club with Charlie and Tessa, promising to meet up with everyone at Jo’s house.

Charlie pulled into an empty parking lot close to the bar and unbuckled her seatbelt. She pulled out a bag of weed from her purse and grinned. “Are you two up for it?”

Cas, splayed out in the bag seat thinking about gorgeous lips and perfect eyes, simply nodded and held out his hand for the small white wrapping papers. He rolled them expertly and sucked the dirty smoke into his lungs, savoring the burn that came with it. If there was ever a time to make a move on Dean, it was tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Twin Sized Mattress - The Front Bottoms


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter seemed a little rushed to me, please let me know what you think :)

By the time they got to the bar, the party was in full swing. Castiel was stoned and riled up, itching for some alcohol and a good time. They entered the building and made a beeline for the drinks, pouring shots and dancing along to the crappy music that shook the walls. Dean came through the door and was greeted by a massive wave of cheering and yelling. He simply smiled and nodded in thanks, following Jo to the opposite end of the room. Cas leaned against the wall and watched him take some shots. Cas’ confidence in making a move had begun to waver as he drank, fading away till he was actually nervous to speak to Dean. He hadn’t felt that way about anyone in…well…ever.

“Cas! Come on, we are playing truth or dare.” Tessa appeared from somewhere behind him and grabbed his hand. She guided him through the crowd to a small collection of couches in a room in the back. Dean was sitting on one, looking thoroughly drunk, and when he saw Cas he broke into a lopsided grin. Cas nearly stumbled as he sat down across from Dean, next to Jo.

“Okay…Garth! Truth or Dare?” Cas barely heard his answer. Balthazar handed him a drink and he took it greedily, the sweet liquor warming his unsettled stomach. The game continued, raunchy acts were performed, and some hilarious truths were revealed. Cas was content to sit back and listen till Joe turned to him with a wicked smile.

“Castiel! You haven’t gone yet, Truth or Dare?” Cas puzzled over it for a moment, till he caught Charlie’s eye. She winked and Cas smiled, his head fuzzy.

“Well, Jo, I think I choose Dare.” She smiled and leaned back, resting against the couch.

“Okay, wise choice. I dare you…” she paused, looking around the circle, “To kiss Dean.” Cas felt his breath catch in his throat. Dean laughed, but Cas could hear the nervous edge to it.

Cas’ heart sped up a bit, but he raised his eyebrows and glanced at Joe. “Just kiss him?”

Joe cackled and Balthazar whistled low. Tessa cheered out “Come on, Cas, give us a show!” On her last move she had had to describe her first blowjob in sickening detail. Cas stood up a little shakily and put out his hands, shushing the crowd.

Dean licked his lips and looked up at Cas nervously from his position on the couch. Cas looked around, a bemused expression on his face although his heart was about to leap directly out of his chest. “You want a show?” They cheered loudly. “Fine! Fine! I’ll give you a show.” Cas crossed the small space and bent down to straddle Dean, his legs on either side of Dean’s thighs. Dean made a small noise of surprise low in his throat, but it was cut off when Cas bent down to pull their lips together.

It was slightly sloppy, due to their high alcohol content, but all the same, Cas saw fireworks. He cupped Dean’s face as their tongues slid together, lips moving in tandem with each other. He felt Dean’s arms snake around his lower back, pulling him impossibly closer. Their surroundings blacked out for a second, maybe a minute, and both men focused on their mouths moving, sucking, biting…until Joe coughed loudly and Cas pulled back, surprised. 

Cas slowly got off Dean’s lap, a small heat creeping up his cheeks. “I…uh…” The words get jumbled in his mouth and he was left staring at Dean’s slack jawed expression. Everyone else watched the pair with rapt attention, eating the drama up.

It was Garth who broke the uncomfortable tension. “Well, someone should let Meg Masters know you got the hots for Dean. She’ll probably kill you. Or him. Or both.” It was just the right comment and everyone broke out into timid laughter, continuing the game after the beat of awkwardness passed. Cas made a low excuse about the bathroom and made a run for it, pushing past people in the hallway. The door slammed shut after him and he locked it. He stumbled to the sinks and leaned over the porcelain, nausea churning in his stomach. It’s a panic attack, he got them quite often, but this one seemed worse somehow.

He had just kissed Dean. In front of all their friends, without any hesitation whatsoever. He breathed in through his nose and out through his mouth, trying to force down the itchy black feeling that was crawling up his throat.

Cas splashed water on his face and rolled up his sleeves, staring at his arms. Two long, puckered scars run up his wrists vertically- his failed attempt at ending his life four months ago, which got him placed in extensive therapy and a slew of different drugs- and spotted across the white skin were the more recent gashes, along with older scars, that flared angrily under the florescent light. He stares at the criss cross of wounds and tries to make his breathing steady. Somehow, the reassurance that he has his own pain under control always seemed to slow his heart. There was a knock on the door but he ignored it. He ran his fingers lightly over the older ones, feeling the raised skin, and he began to breathe more evenly.

There was a thumping at the door again and Cas hurriedly pulled his sleeves down, glancing at the mirror before unlocking it and swinging it open. He thought it was someone actually trying to get into the restroom, but Dean’s surprised, hopeful face nearly smacked into his. “D-Dean!” Cas pulled back to avoid getting his nose crushed and Dean just grinned, charming and handsome as ever. He walked past Castiel into the bathroom and turned to face him, his eyes lit up like a Christmas tree.

Cas shut the door and walked to the sink to lean against the ceramic counter. Dean just looked at him with those sexy-as-hell green eyes. The time stretched thin and Cas began to squirm under Dean’s stare. “Listen…Dean, I didn’t mean to-“

Dean’s face broke into a smile. “Its okay, Castiel. Just a game, right?” There was a pregnant pause, and Dean rubbed the back of his neck, now seeming slightly awkward and shy. “Thanks for coming out tonight. It was nice, you know, to see you in the crowd. We were all pretty nervous for that one and you made it…better. Not that I don’t love seeing everyone, but, well…yeah…” He coughed and ran a hand over his mouth.

Cas feels his heart beat hard in his chest, a small smirk quirking up his lips. “So, star football player AND beloved rock star. What can’t you do, Dean?”

Dean laughed, shrugging and looking up the ceiling. “What can I say, I multitask.”

Before he can stop himself, Castiel’s mouth forms the words that slip out and are suspended in the air. “Go on a date with me.” Dean looked up, his eyes wide.

“What?” His voice sounded smaller then before, but its still manly, husky, rich like sugar.

Cas laughed nervously and took a step away from the sink, going towards Dean. “A date. You know, out on the town that shit. It’s not usually me MO but you’re, uh, different.” Dean’s eyes flashed and he moved a little closer to Castiel.

“I’m different?” Their eye contact never faltered, just intensified as the space between them grew shorter and shorter. Castiel nodded, his eyes slipping down to Dean’s perfect bow lips before trailing back up. “Different how, Castiel?”

Cas scrambled for the words and the right syllables, He’s never been speechless in his whole life, why now? Why Dean? It’s just a stupid bet, he thought, you’re only trying his affection for the free drugs. His mind tried to convince him, but his heart was pounding and his tongue felt dry in a way he had never experienced before. “You, uh, talk different. And…I like the way you look at me.” It came out cheesier then Cas expected, it sounded romantic in his head, and he squeezed his eyes shut, frustration bubbling in his already nervous stomach. “No, I mean, you’re…good.” Dean’s eyebrows shifted upwards slightly. 

Cas sighed and ran a hand through his hair, their close proximity turning him on drastically. “You’re good” He repeated it and then glued his eyes to the floor, a flush staining his cheeks.

Dean made a noise of approval and stepped backwards, freeing up the space between them. “Cas?” He looked up reluctantly. “What did you have in mind?”

Castiel’s heart leapt up a little, although he would never admit it, and he felt some of the blush fade. “Is that a yes?” He smiled, flashing his teeth.

Dean shrugged but smirked deviously. “How’s next Friday?” Cas breathed out through his teeth, guilt gnawing at his throat. 

Just a bet, right?

“Friday sounds perfect.”

****

Dean walked out of The Roadhouse early the next morning. He and Joe had slept in her bed last night, no awkward pillow talk just Dean holding her close, almost protectively, while she slept. The party had winded down quite fast after he and Castiel left the bathroom to rejoin their friends. People dispersed, including Castiel, and eventually it had been just Dean and Joe, cleaning up cups and straightening up, like always. Around three AM they had trudged up to her room and changed, falling gracelessly into bed. They normally slept with more space between them, but he was gay and she was cold so neither of them made a comment about the cuddling.

Dean had woken up before her and got his things, leaving a note of explanation on the pillow beside her. It was normal protocol; Dean had to go check on his dad and make sure he hadn’t actually drank himself to death this time. Saturdays were usually spent doing odd jobs and helping out Bobby’s friend Rufus at his mechanic shop, but today Dean had other plans.

He started by showering and helping his nearly unconscious father off the couch and into bed, taking off his shoes and pulling the covers up around him. Then, he ran to the store to get some real food, not just beer and stale pretzels. When he got back to his house he got his laptop and sat in his room, chainsmoking joints and researching submarines. Cas wanted to do their project on them, they had plans for Monday to discuss it, and Dean had realized he didn’t know crap, so there he was, on a Saturday evening, reading about fucking boats that sank below the water. Around 9 PM his phone buzzed.

Castiel: Hello, Dean. 

Dean clicked out of the article he was reading on how the water’s pressure can crush a sub down in the ocean’s depths. He scooped his phone off the bed and made his way into the kitchen for some food.

Dean: Hiya, Cas. What’s up?

The reply was almost immediate.

Castiel: My father won’t let me out of the house tonight, so nothing at all. I figured we should plan Monday.

Dean: Okay, you still want to hook up?

He sent it before actually reading the words and he cursed, furiously typing out an alternate message.

Dean: I mean get together to talk about the project.

Dean drummed his fingers on the counter as he waited for a reply. He wasn’t sure why Castiel made him so fidgety and awkward. Maybe it was the piercings. Before he could worry too much, Cas replied and made Dean’s heart stutter.

Castiel: I would like to hook up, yes, but why don’t we save that for Friday? I have more interesting plans than brainstorming about school.

Dean: What kind of plans?

Castiel: You’ll have to wait and see, Dean.

Dean grinned and felt his stomach twist up like a fucking fifteen year old girl. He breathed deeply and grabbed a bag of chips, heading back to his room. The clock read 9:23. 

Dean: Looking forward to it. So, Monday?

They stayed up texting, till when Dean glanced at the clock it read 12:58. His father had awoken and stalked off to the bar a few hours ago, and he had yet to return. It wasn’t likely that he would even be back till the next day. Dean shut his phone off and threw it away. He was tired, his head was buzzing with Castiel’s name and the color blue. Dean just wanted to go to sleep. 

When he woke up early the next morning, his father was still gone. Dean changed into his workout clothes and got ready for football practice, opening his phone to text his father. There was a message already there in his inbox from Castiel.

Castiel: Are you awake?

Dean smiled despite himself and slid into the Impala, tossing his sports stuff over his shoulder into the backseat.

Dean: I’m on my way to football practice, why?

Castiel: Charlie is making me participate in a car wash for her club at the school. I was hoping you could volunteer along with me.

Dean sighed, gunning the engine towards the school’s football field, imagining Castiel washing cars, shirtless and soapy. He shook his head to clear his dirty thoughts and stopped at a red light, fumbling to type a quick reply.

Dean: I’m sorry I have practice. Raincheck?

He pulled up the field and parked his car, glancing over towards the parking lot where, sure enough, there were maybe fifteen kids washing cars. Dean walked towards the locker room, his eyes lingering on each figure till he thought he saw Castiel. Raising a hand to block out the sun, he squinted hard. He couldn’t even make his head out clearly.

The football team’s warm up was a jog around the field, bringing Dean in a full circle right next to the parking lot where Castiel was working. He pushed to the front of the group along with Victor, the second guitarist in his band. They led the group side by side, team captains and band mates, their breathing matched without them meaning to. The team past by the parking lot and Dean turned to look at Cas.

Castiel saw him too. He had been splashing buckets of water onto an old man’s ancient automobile, but he stopped to watch the team go by. Even from a distance, Dean could see he was wearing a white long sleeved shirt, which was odd, it was pretty hot out. The shirt’s deep V-neck exposed the tattoos on his chest, Dean breathed in deeply, trying to control his libido. Castiel saluted, Dean waved back. The team continued on, but Dean’s mind was back in the parking lot, watching the way the sunlight turned Cas’ eyes into diamonds.

****

Castiel never understood football. It was technical, aggressive, and pointless in a way he couldn’t describe. He had never once been to an actual game, but he stood watching the boy’s practice, his eyes trained on Dean, fascinated by the dynamics of the sport.

When Dean called the play, the boys performed, hitting and running, all for a little brown egg-shaped thing. Cas scrubbed the cars in monotone, watching Dean sprint up and down the field, scoring and fumbling, all in all being the hottest one out there. Castiel felt his heart drop.

He liked Dean. He liked his music taste, his humor, his hair, his eyes, everything. And that scared Castiel because this wasn’t about love or even any feelings at all. He was supposed to sleep with Dean, take the jacket, and never call him again. He wasn’t supposed to take him out on dates or anything like that, he knew doing those things would just get himself attached, but Cas couldn’t help it.

He hadn’t even touched a razor blade since Dean had began to talk to him, and he had been sleeping better, eating more, all the things his therapist had insisted he do. Cas turned away from the field, cursing his heart silently. He wasn’t supposed to feel anything. He was supposed to be numb.

_“Castiel, it’s been three months since your attempted suicide I think it’s time we talked about why you tried to kill yourself.”_

_Cas looked at the prim woman sitting behind her desk, staring at him over the small glasses perched on her nose. “I don’t want to.”_

_The woman sighed, shuffling papers and reading a few lines, her eyes tracing over the words. “It says here that you felt isolated by your family and friends.” She took off her glasses and rubbed her nose. If Castiel hadn’t been so annoyed with everything, he might have felt sorry for her. He was a pretty tough case, and his refusal to talk must have been infuriating. “Why don’t you open up to me? We’ve been having regular therapy sessions for almost two months, and your family was hoping that you’d have made some progress.”_

_Cas sat up, crossing his arms and glaring at her. “My parents are narcissistic assholes who never once put any effort into caring for their children. They nearly threw me out of the house when I told them I was bisexual, my father can barely look at me since I tried to kill myself, why would I ever want to be a part of a family like that?”_

_The woman made a few notes, her blue pen scratching at the paper. Cas hated the sound. When she spoke, her voice was softer, more understanding. “Castiel, by running from this, by pushing us all away, aren’t you really just hurting yourself? You are doing exactly what you are afraid will happen to you.”_

_Cas thought for a second, scratching at the scars on his wrists. They felt like home. He didn’t meet her eyes, but he spoke with determination, his voice never wavering even though tears threatened his eyes._

_“I tried to be the best I could for them for sixteen years. I tried so hard to be good, do not fuck up, and they still didn’t care; they still abandoned me. I never want that to happen again. People can’t leave me if I leave them first.”_


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all so much for reading. this chapter has a bit more story development and i would love to know what you guys think. please leave some feedback (it makes my day) :)  
> PS. one of the conversations in here is very loosely based off of a scene in the movie Donnie Darko

Castiel sat in Chemistry on Monday, bouncing his knee up and down, staring at the door. There weren’t many things that made Cas nervous. He didn’t like spiders, power drills or snakes, but he considered himself to be pretty unafraid. He swallowed hard at the panic blooming in his chest- all because he and Dean would be spending the afternoon in his house, alone. 

He sat watching the door, even though he was remarkably early for the class, there was still time before the bell rang. Cas drummed his fingers on the table to match his knee’s rhythm. He thought about the concert Friday night, about kissing Dean on Jo’s couch. It had been nice to finally kiss someone and feel something other than boredom. Castiel could get used to the butterflies in his stomach if they were only for Dean.

“Hello, Clarence.” Castiel’s focus was broken and he jumped at the sound, turning to look at Meg, who was sitting in Dean’s seat.

Cas narrowed his eyes at the way she sat. That spot wasn’t meant for lousy people like her. It was for Dean and Dean alone. “What do you want, Meg?”

She raised her perfect brown eyebrow, clucking her tongue. “What’s with nerves, Cas? I thought you were untouchable.” Cas winced at her careless use of Dean’s nickname.

“It’s Castiel- alright? And you clearly aren’t here to talk to me about my caffeine intake, so why are you here?” She smiled, and Cas felt a hand touch his thigh. He gritted his teeth against the invasion of personal space.

Her fingers crept slowly up his leg, massaging into his skin with her long black fingernails. “Just reminding you of our little deal. That bike of yours is looking pretty slick; I would hate to see you lose your most prized possession over some stupid sticky feelings.” He moved his leg, freeing it from her grasp.

“I have it under control, Meg. Mark my words, I’ll win this bet.” His heart twisted at his own statement. This would all end in heartbreak, Cas could already tell.

Meg opened her mouth to retort- probably something bitchy and sly- but they were interrupted by a cough. Cas looked up to find Dean standing next to his seat, with his letterman jacket in his hand. “Can I have my seat back, Meg?”

Meg got up slowly, her eyes never leaving Dean’s. Castiel felt a small flare of jealousy at the way Meg held his gaze, as if that was something to be envious of. “Sure, Dean-o. Love the jacket by the way.” She reached forward and touched the red leather, shooting a smile at Cas before sauntering back to her own seat. “Later, boys.” He bell rang and class began.

Dean heaved himself into the uncomfortable lab chair as Mr. Edlund began to talk more about the different solutions they would be testing with. Their knees brushed under the table and neither one pulled away. Dean leaned in to whisper to Castiel.

“What was all that about? It looked like you two were fighting.” Cas just shook his head, his lips drawn into a tight white line. Dean lingered for a second, expecting an answer before settling back, turning to face the board and pulling his knee away.

Cas was quiet for a minute, both boys listened to the boring lecture, neither one really caring about the information. Cas sighed and leaned towards Dean. “She’s a bitch, that’s all.” Dean frowned and nodded. The corners of Castiel’s lips pulled upwards. “Are we still on for today?” Dean’s smile matched his own and he nodded quickly, turning to look at Castiel for a moment, his eyes as green as ever. Castiel’s heart skipped a beat. He looked at his hands, which were intertwined on the tabletop. _I am so fucked._ he thought. He spent the rest of Chemistry thinking about bets, motorcycles and those damn letterman jackets.

****

“Dean!” Dean turned from his locker to see Jo bouncing towards him with two girls right at her heels. Dean smiled as they came up to him, but he was trying to get to the parking lot as fast as he could, he didn’t want to keep Castiel waiting.

“Hey, Jo. What’s up?” He continued to stuff his books into his locker. 

She leaned up against the locker next to him, twirling a strand of her blonde hair. “Dean, you know Anna and Lisa, right?” Dean turned to look at the girls behind him. 

Anna was one of Castiel’s good friends, she was pretty and had bright red hair, but Dean knew her to be quiet and slightly awkward, always around her twin sister, Charlie. Charlie and Dean were pretty close as well.

The other girl, Lisa, was gorgeous. Not as entrancing as Castiel, but close. She had long wavy brown hair and chestnut eyes. Her skin was olive and smooth, it look soft to the touch. Dean was surprised to find how attracted he was to her, and he stood to shake her hand, slipping on his charming, easy smile. She grinned back.

“Anyways,” Jo said, breaking the moment. Dean turned back to pack his bag. “We were wondering if you wanted to see a movie Friday. It’s something about breaking laws…I don’t remember the name but-“

Lisa cut it, staring at Dean “It’s called The Purge. You should come, it’ll be fun.” Jo narrowed her eyes. Dean smirked.

“As much as I’d love to see it with you guys” Lisa blushed. “I have plans with Cas.” 

Anna perked up, speaking for the first time. “Castiel? I didn’t know you two were close.” 

Dean nodded. “We’re lab partners. I’m actually going over there today.” Anna just nodded, but Lisa looked slightly jealous. Dean paused, glancing over at Jo, who was on her phone, texting. “Well, I’ll see you guys later. Jo, you got a ride home, right?”

Jo looked up from the screen, a small smile on her face. “Yeah, no worries. Pick me up tomorrow, same time as always?”

Dean grinned and shut his locker. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world.” He turned to Lisa, winking at her. “Nice to see you girls.” Lisa batted her eyelashes at him as he walked away.

He found Castiel in the parking lot, leaning up against his motorcycle with a helmet in his hand. “Hiya, Cas.”

Cas nodded, handing him the helmet. “Hello, Dean.”

“Uh, Cas? What’s this?” He gestured to the bulky helmet in his hands.

“Are you really unfamiliar with what a helmet is?” He smirked at Dean’s expression. “You’ve never ridden a motorcycle before, so I’m not going to risk your safety. Put on the helmet and hold on tight, okay?”

Dean rolled his eyes dramatically, but he felt warmth spread across his face. He wasn’t used to being looked after, especially since his father was gone most of the time. It was nice to know somebody wanted to keep him safe.

He slid onto the motorcycle behind Castiel, leaving a few inches between them. He placed his hands lightly on Castiel’s shoulders and waited for the engine to start. Cas turned around, his eyes squinty and his mouth in a slight frown. “Dean?”

Dean pulled at the helmet so Castiel could hear him speak. “Yeah, Cas?”

“You’re going to have to hold on a little tighter.” Cas pushed backwards, closing the gap between them till they were flush against each other. Dean slid his arms down from Castiel’s shoulders to wrap them tentatively around his middle. He heard Cas rev up the engine and kicked off, pushing them forward and navigating them carefully out of the schools parking lot.

They zoomed down the street, Dean’s heart beating madly in his chest as he gripped onto Castiel tighter, Cas was going well above the speed limit and he didn’t seem to care.

Dean tried to relax as they maneuvered through the streets of Kansas, but the only thing that made his breathing slow is Castiel’s muscles so close to him.

He pushed his hands slightly up Castiel’s front, feeling the jut of his pointy hipbones along with the smooth cloth of his T-shirt. When they leaned into a turn, Dean nearly screamed, but Castiel only laughed and righted them up. The feeling was a mixture between falling and flying and Dean was eating up every last second of it, closing his eyes against the exhilaration pumping through his veins.

Before he could even begin to process it, they were slowing down to a stop, pulling into a driveway, the engine dying down. Dean took off his helmet and stared at the huge residence in front of him, made entirely of white brick, blue shutters, and a pristine lawn. He slid off the motorcycle, his legs wobbling slightly, and continued to gaze at the house in front of him. It was at least nine of his apartments all in one.

“T-This is your house?” He tried to keep his emotions out of his voice, especially seeing how Castiel looked at the house with a vague sense of disgust. “Dude.” Dean breathed.

Castiel parked the bike and put away the helmet, his expression now unreadable. He gestured for Dean to follow him as they walked up the driveway and through the front door.

It was just as picturesque on the inside as it was on the out. It was like a museum – big, cold, expensive looking – but Castiel just slammed the door behind him and walked in, not even glancing back to see if Dean was following. They walked through a set of French doors next to a large staircase into a spacious kitchen. Dean walked in, shivering lightly at the frigid temperature. 

No wonder Castiel was always wearing long sleeves.

Cas stopped at the island in the center and turned to Dean. “This is my house.” He paused and Dean nodded. “I can’t make it any warmer, trust me, I’ve tried, and it’s all pretty much as costly as it looks, so if you break something make it look like an accident.” He turned and glanced at the clock above the stove, his eyebrows furrowing as he read the tiny LED digits.

“My brother Gabriel will be back in about an hour, we can work in here until then. Would you like something to drink?” He glanced backwards. “You can sit, Dean.” Cas moved around the kitchen, pouring himself a cup of coffee.

Dean shrugged, stumbling forward and sitting down on a barstool, pulling his bag up onto the counter. “No, I’m good, thanks. Where are your parents?”

He knew as soon as he said it he shouldn’t have asked. Cas frowned and leaned down opposite Dean, crossing his arms. “My father is a preacher at a church nearby – he won’t be home tonight. My mother is in Boston.”

Dean nodded, his lips slightly pursed as silence filled the room. Cas was looking at the granite, and Dean was looking at him.

“So…submarines, huh?” Cas looked up, meeting Dean’s eyes and holding it for a moment before breaking out into an easy grin.

He reached into his bag and pulled out a laptop, two books, a notebook and pencils, and an Altoids case. He opened it up to reveal a joint, making Dean laugh. 

“Won’t your brother care we’ve been smoking?” 

Cas smiled with his teeth and chuckled. “No, not at all. He might even be a little bit jealous.” He opened up the laptop and shoved the books towards Dean, along with the pot, which was promptly lit. Dean opened the book and scanned the first few lines, trying to ignore the way Castiel’s lips looked as he sucked on the weed.

Finally, he gave up and watched as Castiel lifted the joint to his lips. He decided, as he watched him, that Castiel would definitely taste different the next time they kissed. Not the sticky taste of alcohol with the aroma of sweat like before, there wouldn’t be any nervousness or desperation. This time, he thought, it’ll taste like smoke and coffee and sarcasm all at once. More like familiarity, a little like promises, and a lot like infatuation.

****

They worked for about an hour, occasionally stopping to flirt or joke, making eye contact as they spoke, blue against green. Castiel was surprised to find he was actually having fun as they researched their project: “The Findings of Submarines” which was basically looking at scary-ass fish and writing down the dates.

They were reading about Mariana’s Trench when Gabriel got home, making them jump with the bang of the door. He was belting the Canadian national anthem with little shame, but when he got in the kitchen he stopped dead, staring at the two boys sitting close together in his kitchen.

Castiel was the first one to break the silence. “Hey, Gabe, this is Dean. Dean this is-“He turned to look at Dean, but Dean was staring at his little brother, his face flushed. Gabe was looking back at him, and the intensity of all made Castiel’s skin prickle. He coughed and then went on speaking “Gabe. How was your day at-“

Dean cut him off, getting up out of the chair and walking towards Gabe, a small grin on his lips. “It’s nice to meet you, Gabriel. How old are you?”

Gabe smiled and puffed out his chest. “Fourteen in a few months. Excuse me, I’m gonna get some water.” He crossed past Dean and glanced at the books on the table. “Why are you guys reading about subs?” He looked up at Cas, but he was staring at Dean, watching as his green eyes followed Gabe across the room.

“It’s for a school project.” Cas mumbled.

“That’s cool. I’m going to go play Mario Kart. Want to take a break and join me?” Gabe looked up at them eagerly.

Cas refused at the same time Dean said “Yeah, dude!”. They looked at each other sharply as Gabe glanced between them, feeling the awkwardness in the air.

“Dean.” His voice was tense. “Don’t you want to keep studying?” What he really meant was why spend time with my dorky little brother when we could be flirting over sea ships?

Dean shrugged and grinned at Gabe, his eyes barely flitting to Castiel. “I think we can take a break, don’t you?” Gabe cheered and the two of them walked out of the kitchen, leaving Cas alone. He followed after a moment but stood in the doorway as Gabe talked about different games and Dean listened intently, his eyes transfixed on Gabriel’s hazels. 

“Do you want to play?” Cas shook his head, sitting down a little ways apart from the pair, uncomfortable. Dean slid down closer to Gabe as they started to play, laughing and joking around and….flirting? Cas watched them intently as Dean talked to his little brother, his eyes narrowed. He wasn’t sure what he was watching- whether it was banter or just horsing around. Finally, after a few rounds, Gabe switched over to Family Guy and Cas was distracted by his growling stomach.

“Hey, can we order pizza?” Gabe whined, his stomach growling too. Cas grinned at his brother and nodded.

“Sure. Same place as usual?” Gabe smiled and nodded as Cas got up to order. Through the door he heard Gabe turn to talk to Dean.

“Cassie always orders us pizza when mom and dad are gone. It’s awesome.” Cas chuckled and lifted up the phone, dialing the familiar number. He glanced into the TV room, seeing Dean and Gabe on the couch, a little too close for comfort. Jealousy ran up Cas’ spine but he tried to push it down as he made the usual order – one large pizza – half pepperoni, for Gabe, and half vegetable for Cas – which would probably go untouched.

He walked back into the other room, lifting his eyes as he went. “They’ll be here in-“ He stopped dead. Dean was sitting by Gabriel, his face dangerously close to the other boys. They were grinning at each other, and Cas felt himself twist up inside. Dean licked his lips and, maybe it was Cas’ imagination but it seemed like he was about…to kiss him.

“Dean.” His voice was cold now. “Can I talk to you in the kitchen?” Dean looked up at him and shrugged at Gabe, following Cas through the doors. As soon as they were in the safety of the other room, away from Gabriel, Cas turned on Dean.

“Dean, what are you doing?” Dean’s eyebrows rose, but before he could speak Cas continued. “It’s bad enough that you leave our project to go play video games with Gabriel but now you’re…” He paused and flinched slightly. His wrist began to throb again, something it hadn’t done in a while. When he spoke again his voice was quiet. “I may have mistaken you’re intentions towards me, and if I did I apologize, but you can’t…you can’t hook up with my little brother.”

“What!” Dean stepped back. “Cas, what are you-“

“I saw you looking at him, sitting just a little too close, touching him. I can’t deal with that right now. I thought that we…” He sighed again, rubbing his forehead. “I think it’s best if you leave.”

Dean’s voice was soft when he spoke. “Cas, I never meant to-“

Castiel cut in again. “I know. I know you never meant to give me the wrong impression. My feelings for you got in the way and I shouldn’t have let that happen. I’m sorry, please, just go.” He looked up finally, meeting Dean’s eyes. They looked guilty. “Please.” Dean just nodded without a word and collected his things in the kitchen. Castiel walked him to the door and shut it behind him, willing his chest not to hurt so much. It didn’t matter anyways, Crowley was right. Dean was out of his league and that was that.

He sat in the kitchen until the pizza man came; it turned out to be Adam, the drummer in Dean’s band. Castiel forced a halfhearted conversation with him and gave him a big tip before bringing the pizza back to Gabriel.

He was still watching cartoons, but he looked up when Castiel came in, eagerly grabbing a slice. Castiel looked at his half in distaste, opting out on the food for a glass of water, despite his empty stomach. They watched the TV for a few minutes before Gabriel really looked around.

“Hey, where’d Dean go?” He bit into his third slice. Castiel nibbled on one of the crusts.

“He had to leave.” Cas felt his skin prickle as the small piece of bread slipped down his throat.

“That’s a shame, he was pretty chill. You should have him over more often.” Cas just nodded, returning his eyes to the TV, mindlessly watching the screen until he fell asleep.

He woke to his phone buzzing. The clock on the wall read 10:14. He lifted his eyes lazily, there was nobody in the room now, the pizza had been cleared away, there was a blanket thrown over Cas that slid off as he stood to stretch. A small yellow piece of paper was sitting on the table, which he bent down to read-

_Castiel – I decided to let you sleep, since you look tired all the time. I’m going to my friend’s house. Won’t be back tonight. Sweet dreams, princess. –Gabriel_

Castiel sighed, rubbing the back of his neck absently. His phone began to buzz again, jolting him out of his one-man pity-party. He leaned over and grabbed it. The screen flashed with three new messages. Cas opened them up, his stomach heavy.

Dean: Come outside  
Dean: Please, Cas. Let me explain.  
Dean: Don’t make me come in there and get you myself.

Cas walked to the window and peered out through the curtains. Dean was there, leaning against the Impala, his beloved car, wearing his leather jacket and smoking a cigarette. He waved at Cas through the window. Castiel stared through the glass, his blood going warm. He didn’t even bother grabbing a jacket as he left the house. Dean was too beautiful to refuse.

Cas walked down his driveway, his hands lodged deeply into his pockets. Dean watched him with steady green eyes, but Cas kept his on the ground. He stopped about a foot away from the car, shivering slightly in the cold.

“Dean, look, I know that-“

Dean held up his hand to silence him, shaking his head without a word and stepping over to open the side door. Cas stood for a second, staring at the black car.

“Come on, baby, you’ll freeze to death out here.” Cas’ skin flushed at Dean’s words and he moved forward, slipping past Dean into the car, which closed behind him with a satisfying thump.

Dean rounded the car and got in too, revving up the engine and pulling out of the driveway. ACDC bled out from the speakers, but other than that they drove in silence. Dean watched the road and smoked his cigarette, Cas watched Dean as they drove out of his neighborhood and into the evening.

When the tape ended, Dean reached forward to choose another. Cas looked ahead of him, not wanting to see Dean’s perfect hands gliding over the seat.

“Where are we going, Dean?”

He shuddered a little at the broken silence, but Dean smiled, tight but sincere. “I need to show you something. Just so you understand.” Cas settled back in his seat, staring out the window and mulling over Dean’s words. They drove on for another ten minutes before they pulled off the road, onto the grass. Cas looked around but it seemed like an empty field. In the middle there was a tree growing, its branches swooping downwards, although it seemed like it was young.

Dean pulled up short a little ways away from it. He gripped the wheel till his knuckles turned white. Then, without a word, he got out of the car. Cas waited, watching as he walked through the grass towards the tree and stood, stationary, the sun beginning to set behind him. Finally, Cas got out of the car.

He crept up behind Dean, but stayed three feet away, watching for the slightest change in expression. Dean ran a hand through his hair, staring at the trunk, his eyes shiny.

Cas waited another minute before he broke the raptured silence. “Dean. What are we doing here?”

Dean turned to look at him, and Cas’ eyes widened. He was nearly crying, his eyes full and almost spilling over. When he spoke his voice was broken and small, not like the one Castiel had grown used to.

“His name was Sam, but I called him Sammy. My mom, dad, Sam and I lived in a neighborhood across Lawrence, that’s where I grew up. He was three years younger then me, but he was so fuckin’ smart, Cas, like a little boy genius. We lived there till he was five years old when….h-he was in the attic, looking for something and the gaslight he was using fell over. The whole room was ablaze in seconds and I tried…I really tried to get him out but there was SO MUCH fire, Cas.” He broke off to heave a huge breath. Cas was frozen in his spot, his heart slamming against his ribs. “My parents came upstairs, but by that point Sam was unconscious and I was suffocating. It was horrible. I could hear myself screaming, my leg was on fire but I had to save him, you know? My dad grabbed me and I…I dropped Sammy. He ran me down the stairs to try and save my leg but he left my mom up there. The fire got into the insulation…and the piping…everywhere. The whole thing exploded, with her and Sam inside. My father and I barely made it out of the house ourselves, but we did. There was nothing to bury so I planted this tree here with Bobby. My mom loved willow trees.”

There was a silence that stretched on for what seemed like a lifetime. Dean’s breaths were labored, and Cas felt himself shivering.

“He would be Gabe’s age now. That’s why I was spending so much time with your brother, Cas. Not because I wanted him or because I didn’t want you. He just…he’s so much like Sam would’ve been and it was nice, you know? To have that for awhile? I’m sorry if you thought…” His cheeks were flushed form the cold and his eyes were shiny. “I really like you, Castiel. I consider you a friend, which is why I’m telling you this. Because now…my father is a bastard. He drinks and screams and is a terrible, terrible man. But someone needs to know that he was once great and loving and kind. I can be that way too…I can be better then he is. Right?”

Cas found his feet could work again and he moved forward, placing a hand on either of Dean’s shoulders. “Of course.”

Dean faltered, trying to get his breathing under control, anything to stop the tears flowing from his eyes. He bit his lip and couldn’t meet Cas’ eyes, even though the other boy’s face was a few mere inches away from his own. When he spoke, it was shaky and small.

“I’m alone, Cas.” 

Castiel felt his throat closing up, his eyes beginning to sting already from the onslaught of emotions. “D-Do you really believe that, Dean?”

Dean turned away, out of Cas’ reach and looked up towards the sky. He wasn’t crying anymore. “I don’t know. I mean, I’d always like to think I’m not, I would like to believe that, but…I’ve never seen any proof, you know? I’ve never seen any real proof that I’m not alone, and I can spend my whole life debating it over and over again but at the end of the day it still wouldn’t mean anything. So I just don’t anymore. I just accept it because I’ve tried fighting it and it’s ridiculous.”

Cas stepped back, weighing the words in his head. “You think fighting is unreasonable?”

Dean shook his head. “It is if everyone ends up dying alone.”

His answer stayed suspended in the air, filling up the space between them like a poisonous gas. Cas looked at Dean and Dean looked up at the darkening sky, watching the stars come out in the violet hues.

“I mean, Sam died alone. So did my mom. They couldn’t see, couldn’t breath and they ended up perishing in fire. They were alone. My dad…my dad will be alone too. It just happens, there’s no way around it.” He shrugged, but Cas could see the tension in his stance.

“Does that scare you, Dean?”

Dean didn’t look at him. “Does what scare me?”

Cas moved towards him. “Dying. Does dying scare you?” It had never scared Castiel, even when he was younger.

Dean shook his head again. “No, dying doesn’t scare me but…” He finally met Castiel’s gaze, his eyes leveled and his face sad. “But I don’t want to be alone.”

Cas walked forward, taking one of Dean’s hands and rubbing his thumb absentmindedly over the smooth skin of his knuckle. 

“You’re not alone, Dean. I won’t let you be.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a warning: there's a bit of violence towards the end of this chapter it's pretty dark stuff. Also, since school is starting - i have sports and AP work, meaning the updates will probably be less frequent, sorry guys. Anyway, thanks for reading!

When Dean went into Chemistry Monday, he could feel a shift in the air. Castiel smiled more, he engaged in conversation, even laughing slightly when Dean made a joke. Cas seemed more at ease, not just with Dean but with himself. After Dean had made his speech, he and Castiel had sat on the Impala’s hood and looked at the stars for awhile, not really talking because nothing had needed to be said. After some time, Dean drove Cas home and walked him to the door, kissing his cheek before going back to his car and driving away. It had been good to talk about his family with someone who didn’t pity him. He had heard from so many people that Castiel was heartless, but when Dean looked at him, he was entranced by what he saw.

The week was slow, leading up to their date Friday, which Dean knew very little about. Cas kept most of it a secret, smiling shyly when Dean bought it up and pressing their legs together underneath the lab table. As the week wore on, Dean’s excitement grew. He hadn’t been on a date for as long as he could remember and when the last bell rang on Friday, Dean’s hands were already shaking at the prospect of getting Castiel all to himself for the night.

He was at his locker, pushing his books into his worn-out book bag, when Cas appeared, leaning on the locker next to his with an honest-to-God smile on his face. Dean grinned back in mutual excitement before continuing to cram his bag full of his weekend homework.

“You know, you still haven’t told me jack-shit about this date, lover boy. How do I know I’m not supposed to wear a suit or something?” Dean zipped his bag shut but didn’t close his locker. Instead he took the time to look at Castiel, who was still smiling.

“You’ll be fine in that, just bring a jacket. Preferably your leather one it makes you look…” Cas trailed his eyes suggestively over Dean’s chest, losing his train of thought in the process. He shook his head after a moment, noticing the way Dean blushed. “Anyway, pick me up at my house tonight. Seven, right?”

Dean felt breathless under Cas’s sharp eyes, but he smirked anyway, all charm. “Seven sounds good, babe. See you tonight.”

Now, it was Castiel’s turn to blush.

Dean stood in front of his closet, racking his brain. He had his leather jacket tossed on his bed, his workboots laced up on his feet and the only pair of jeans he owned that didn’t have holes in them on over his favorite pair of Batman boxers. Other then that, he was shirtless, looking into his meager wardrobe to try and find a suitable shirt.

He should’ve been able to ask his dad, but he was gone, probably drunk, and couldn’t be bothered with his son’s love life. He sighed, glancing over at the clock. It read 6:37. Groaning, Dean grabbed his phone and dialed the familiar number, listening to the rings with a growing apprehension. 

“Dean! Wasn’t expecting that. What’s up?”

Dean glanced at his closet one more time before flopping onto his bed. “Hi, Charlie. I need some help.”

Charlie laughed on the other line and Dean heard the some gunfire and a grenade explosion. “Sure, dude. I’m in the middle of a game but what’s up?”

Dean blushed, his stomach twisting slightly. “I just need some help.”

“May I ask why?”

He shoved his face into his pillow, cheeks burning, before mumbling out his response. “Jo is busy, and I need some help choosing an outfit for…my date tonight…with Castiel.”

The other end was quiet for a moment before a high pitched shriek caused Dean to nearly throw his phone across the room.

“Holy FUCK! You and Cas? Cas and you? That’s crazy, he must really- WOW.” She erupted into a sort of blubbering of “Wow, wow, ohmygod, I can’t believe it!”

“Charlie!” Dean cried, exasperated. “Why is this such a big deal?”

“Dean!” She shot back. “I’ve known Cas for years. He doesn’t DO dates. You must be something special, like, really fuckin’ special. Aww I’m so proud of him! And good for you, he’s a catch.”

Dean felt his stomach flutter at her words. “He doesn’t date?”

Charlie sighed. “He used to, I guess. He went out with some girls and a few guys but when his parents found out he was bi they really came down hard on him. I think that’s when he started acting out and he hasn’t really stopped, well, till now.” She paused, letting her words sink in. “You’re good for him, Dean. I think you two are going to be really happy.” Her voice was soft.

Dean’s heart was pounding in his chest. The clock now read 6:45. “T-Thank you, Charlie. I’ll keep that in mind.” It was quiet.

“So, outfits, then, right?” Her voice was bright as ever. “Do you know what you two are doing?”

“No, he, um, he said to wear my leather jacket and I’ve got jeans and boots on but I’m at a loss for shirts. Should I wear a tie or…?”

“Hmm…” Charlie thought for a bit. “No. Cas is probably just as nervous, if not more so, I would keep it casual. Do you have a Brand New shirt? Cas loves that band.”

Dean dug through his drawers, tossing his shirts onto the floor. “No. None of that. I got Black Sabbath and Zeppelin though. Would that work?”

Charlie giggled. “Yeah, go with Zeppelin. Which one is it?”

Dean shrugged on the shirt, looking in the mirror, his head cocked. “The blimp one. It’s black and white and-“

“Perfect! That’s Cas’ favorite. Okay do you have a plain grey flannel?”

Dean shifted around, finally finding that one that Ellen gave him last year. It was Bobby’s old one and had a rip in one of the elbows, but it worked. “Yes. Should I wear that too?”

“Listen to me very carefully, Dean Winchester. You wear your black boots and your jeans just like you had on. Now put on your Zeppelin shirt and the grey flannel over it. Now your leather jacket.” Dean did as he was told. “You got all that?”

“Yeah, Charlie, but I-“

“Look in the mirror and tell me I’m not a genius.” Dean turned and looked at his reflection, his eyes widening. He looked...badass. 

“Charlie you are awesome.”

She laughed lightly. “I know. Who ever said lesbians can’t have some bitchin’ style, am I right?” She laughed but then added, sweeter this time. “Have fun tonight, Dean.”

“Thanks, Charlie. I’ll see you Monday.” He hung up and grabbed his keys off the counter, doubling back for his wallet before finally shutting the door of the apartment behind him, locking it with a satisfying click. The Impala blasted Augustana on the way over, soothing Dean, and he found himself singing loudly along with the lyrics.

_“…She said I think I’ll go to Boston…I think I’ll start a new life, I think I’ll start it over…where no one knows my name…”_

He made a mental note to talk to Victor about adding that song to their next set. It was catchy and smooth; the lyrics flowed through the Impala’s speakers all the way to Castiel’s house.

_“…I think that I’m just tired…I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind…I think I need a sunrise, I’m tired of the sunset…”_

The song ended just as he pulled into the driveway of the large house. Dean sat there for a minute, debating on whether or not to get out of the car. He turned his phone over and over in his hands, staring at each of the windows. Finally, he made his choice. He jogged up the stretch of concrete to the door, and was poised to knock when he heard the voices coming from the other side through the open windows.

“No, DAD! I’m not. And you can go fuck yourself.” Castiel’s voice, harder and lower then normally. There was another voice, even louder then his.

“You get the hell out of my house, Castiel! I will not let some FAG live under this roof, not with Gabriel here!” There was a pause and the voice continued. “God is going to punish you on Judgment Day, just wait and see. You and all of your queer little friends be DAMNED!” Dean jumped as he heard a door slam. The glass in the windows rattled but Dean was frozen on the spot, his hand still ready to knock.

There was a break and Dean heard someone crying, a woman.

“Mom…” Castiel was not crying; it was his mother. “Mom, please, don’t cry. It’s okay. He just-“

A woman’s voice, shrill and sour, came next. “Why do you have to provoke him, Castiel? Honestly, it’s like you don’t even care about this family.”

Cas said something Dean couldn’t make out and then there was silence. Dean blinked a few times then ran back to his car, sinking low in the seat. A minute passed and Dean pulled out his phone and texted Castiel that he was in the driveway. His hands shook as he pressed each of the buttons. Cas didn’t reply, but Dean saw the door open a few minutes later and Castiel walked out, his head bowed. He looked up and grinned when he saw the Impala, walking to it and climbing in the passenger seat. Dean pretended not to notice that his eyes were watery.

Cas smiled over at him, his eyes drifting over Dean’s shirt and back to his face, stopping to survey his lips in a way that made Dean shiver.

“Hello, Dean.” His voice was scratchy, like he had been yelling for a long time.

Dean looked at him. He was wearing a black sweater that looked soft to touch. His jeans were dark blue and the Converse on his feet were scuffed up, he obviously liked them a lot. All in all, he looked amazing. Dean’s breath got caught in his throat.

“H-Hey Cas.” There was a moment of silent, unbroken eye contact between them, before Dean started the engine again and moved to drive away from Cas’ house. “So, you still haven’t told me where we are going. How should I know where to turn?”

Cas leaned down to fiddle with the radio, keeping the volume down while The Beatles bled out the speakers. 

“I’ll tell you where to go.” He looked up at Dean through his lashes. His eyes were back to their clear blue. “Don’t you trust me, Dean?” Dean chuckled, returning his eyes to the road with a shake of his head.

They drove for fifteen minutes, talking idly, listening to music as Cas gave him directions. They drove out of Lawrence, turned off onto a sketchy looking road into the woods. The sun was sinking below the horizon as they pulled up into a clearing, deep in the forest.

“Cas…?” Dean said slowly. “Are you gonna murder me out here?” Cas laughed loudly.

“No, trust me, you’ll love it.” He got out of the car and Dean followed, walking next to him, the leaves crunching beneath their feet. Cas looked around, a small smile on his face. Dean looked nervous. “When I was little, my mom got a big promotion in her company. To celebrate, did she put all that money in her only two son’s college fund? No! They blew it all on this...” They turned a corner and Dean saw a small house sitting on the edge of a lake, with a dock and a boat on the water. The house was quaint, set back deep in the brush, one story and a small porch, but it looked deserted.

Cas stood, looking at the land in front of him. “They built a house here, got a boat, made a dock and…we would come out here, just the four of us.” He glanced at Dean and shook his head.

“Now, it’s almost always empty. Gabe and I try and come every so often, to keep it alive but we can only visit so much. But…” Cas walked up the house’s steps and opened the door, flicking on a light. “It’s pretty fuckin’ cool, huh?”

Dean walked into the small house. It had a warm, spacious living room and a hallway. The kitchen was small and there was only one bathroom but it had two bedrooms, running water, and a television in the front room. Dean looked around while Cas stayed out on the dock. There were some pictures of Castiel when he was younger, big blue eyes and a cheeky smile, playing in the water with Gabriel. Dean smiled, leaving the door open as he walked out into the evening, where Cas was sitting on the edge of the boat, looking out over the water.

“Can we use the boat?” Dean had only been on a boat once before and he had loved it.

Cas turned around, smiling and nodded. They pushed off from the dock a few minutes later, Cas steering them to the middle of the lake before letting them drift, the boat rocking side to side with the cadence of the water. They lay down on blankets in the back, staring at the darkening sky and talking, joking around and marveling at how much they had in common. It was the best date Dean had ever been on in his life. He looked at the boy lying next to him, watching his mouth form each word precisely, as if they were important, and he knew, in that instant that this boy was going to make the world turn and it would never be the same.

****

Cas was itching to kiss Dean. He listened as the other boy talked about football, concerts, school, and he contributed on his end, but it sat there underneath his skin, the desperation to feel Dean’s lips again. It wasn’t about the bet this time. It was real.

There was a lull in the conversation and Cas turned on his side, propping himself up on his elbow and looking down at Dean’s face.

“It’s weird.” Cas said.

Dean shifted his eyes from the stars to meet Castiel’s. “What’s weird?” His breath smelled minty.

Cas grinned, his cheeks flushing. “I’m only really just started to get to know you but…I like you. A lot more then I’ve liked anyone in a long, long time. It’s nice, you know?” 

Dean blinked a few times, the edges of his lips quirking up. “I like you too, Cas.” They hovered there for a second, right on the brink, before Cas just couldn’t take it anymore. He leaned down, brushing his lips against Dean’s.

Dean pushed up, meeting him, his lips soft and open. Cas slipped his tongue to meet Dean’s and they kissed for a little white, biting at each other’s lips playfully. Dean rolled over, pinning Cas down, the friction between them making Cas sigh. He could feel himself hardening in his jeans, grinding up against Dean while their hips slotted together.

Dean pulled off his jacket and button down, tossing it to the side, his skin shivered in the night air as the boat swayed gently. His arms were strong and toned and he brought a hand down to slide underneath Cas’ shirt, brushing over the warm skin of his stomach. Cas rolled his head back, letting Dean kiss his neck. He barely even felt it when Dean pulled off his sweater, leaving him shirtless, and kissed down his neck to his shoulder.

Cas closed his eyes, savoring the feeling of Dean at his thigh, just as hard as he was. His breathing peaked as Dean bit softly at his pressure point, but then stopped. Cas felt the absence of his mouth and opened his eyes, starting to realize, in horror, what had just happened.

“Cas…” Dean drifted off. Cas’ eyes were wide, he couldn’t even feel Dean’s tight grip on both his wrists. Dean was still in his shirt, staring down at the scars sprinkled onto Cas’ skin, his face unreadable. Cas tried to twist out of his grip, but Dean held firm. He stopped struggling, instead he just slumped forward, his head bowed.

Dean ran a thumb over his arm, the skin raised and puckered, but, thankfully, Cas had no new cuts. He hadn’t touched his blades since the party last Friday. He tried to read Dean’s expression. Was it disgust? Pity? Cas couldn’t tell, he was just running his fingers over the marks, his eyes following the zig zagged pattern. It was quiet for a little while. Dean pulled his hands back away from his wrists slowly.

Cas grabbed his sweater and pulled it over his head, turning away from Dean. His voice was bitter when he spoke. “So, now you know.”

Dean’s voice was shaking when he responded. “How long?”

“How long what?”

Dean sat back, leaning against the side of the boat. “Since you…”

Cas shrugged. “A week I guess? Not since the party. Not since we…” Dean winced.

“Why?” It was such a small question, but Castiel didn’t have the answer. There were so many reasons. He liked how it felt, how it made him feel something, anything at all. He liked the way they looked, the red contrasting nicely with his white skin. He used to have crazy urges, desire to make himself bleed, but ever since Dean they had ebbed away into nothing. Cas shook his head, the words never leaving his lips.

They sat a good distance apart. Cas stared at the water, feeling Dean’s eyes on him. It was over. Not only had Cas lost the bet, he had lost Dean, and that hurt more then anything. Cas shifted back, shutting his eyes. 

“Dean, if you want to go home, we can leave. I understand.” His voice broke on the last word, splitting it down the middle. He felt the boat rock as Dean crawled over to him. Cas kept his eyes shut, not wanting to see Dean’s face.

“Cas?” Dean whispered. “Cas open your eyes. Please.” Cas reluctantly opened his eyes, expecting the opposite of what he saw.

Dean bent down, rolling up Cas sleeve, brushing the marred skin with his lips. Cas’ pulse beat quickly against his mouth. He kissed up his arm before rolling the sleeve back down, raising his hands to cup Cas’ skinny face in his hands. 

“You’re wonderful, Castiel.” Cas shivered as his name left Dean’s mouth. “I…I don’t know why you thought that this was the right option, but it’s not. This doesn’t change how I look at you, okay? You’re still…” Dean breathed, leaning in, his lips against Castiel’s as he sighed the final word against his mouth. “Beautiful.”

Cas kissed him back, slowly at first, but soon he on top of Dean, straddling his hips, shaking with satisfaction. He couldn’t believe it. One of his darkest secrets and Dean hadn’t even blinked. Dean still wanted him, still liked him. There was no pity in his eyes. Castiel smiled as they kissed. This was right.

Dean pulled his shirt off, revealing his tanned muscles, and Cas did the same, with surprisingly no hesitation. He ravaged Dean’s neck, leaving hickeys on his collar, kissing lower and lower on Dean’s stomach while his hips pushed up to Cas’ mouth. He leaned back and undid Dean’s belt with quick hands, about to go even further when Dean yelped.

“Wait, Cas, please.” Cas stopped, meeting Dean’s eyes. “J-Just hang on…” Cas pulled back, the boat rocked again.

“You don’t want me to?”

Dean’s eyes rolled up, looking at the sky. “God, no, I really want you to, but…there’s something you have to know.” Cas tilted his head, Dean breathed out through his teeth. “I’m a virgin.”

Cas felt his blood turn to ice. Dean continued to speak, something about Benny, but Cas barely heard him. Dean hadn’t had sex with Benny. He hadn’t slept with anyone, ever. Cas might be his first and…Dean was going to lose it to him on a bet. Cas liked him, he knew it in his heart, but the guilt he felt nearly ripped him to shreds. This was not the time, not here out in the open, late on a Friday night like some junior high bullshit. Cas could tell by Dean’s expression that he wasn’t ready. In that moment, it wasn’t about the deal Cas made. He wanted to please Dean, even if it meant waiting for something he had previously thought was a necessity.

“Dean.” Dean stopped babbling, his eyes wide. “It’s okay. I’m not here just to sleep with you.” His own words surprised Cas. He wasn’t there just to sleep with Dean. It was a shocking revelation. “We can take it as slow as you want, okay?” 

He laid down next to Dean, their bare arms touching. Their breathing matched and eventually they both relaxed, the awkwardness draining out of the silence between them. Dean turned on his side and kissed Cas gently, his lips impossibly soft, and they stayed like that for a little while.

Dean pulled back, grinning. “You know, when I do lose it. I want it to be to you.” 

Cas couldn’t tell which as worse. The guilt that twisted his stomach or the excitement that seized at his heart.

****

They sat in Castiel’s driveway, kissing lightly over the center console of Dean’s car. Cas had refused to let Dean walk him to the door, instead they were saying goodbye in the Impala, neither boy wanted the night to end. They stayed like that for awhile, contemplating never leaving the car, staying there forever with the leather upholstery and cassette tapes. But, it was late and Castiel had not left his house on good terms. If he wanted to sneak back in, it had to be now.

He pulled back slowly, savoring Dean’s taste. “I had a great time tonight, Dean.”

“I did, too, Cas. Maybe we can hangout tomorrow?”

Cas laughed, moving to get out of the car. “I’ll call you when I wake up. Thanks for tonight again.” His hand was on the door when Dean stopped him.

His eyes were narrowed. “Cas, we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, I’ll understand but…if you ever need me. Please, call. I don’t want to lose you too, alright?” Cas’ eyes were wide. Dean leaned in, kissing his lips chastely before pulling away. “Goodnight, Cas.”

Cas opened up the door and leaned down, looking at Dean one last time. “G-Goodnight, Dean.” He pushed forward one more time, kissing him desperately before shutting the door and walking towards his house. He heard the Impala leave and when he looked back Dean was gone.

Castiel did not acknowledge the kiss for anything other then a kiss. Though, if he had, he would have realized how much it had tasted like love.

His house was quiet. Maybe his father had gone to bed to try and sleep off the liquor. That fight had been a bad one. He was used to his parent’s rudeness, but it had escalated when Cas had told them he had a date with a boy that night. His father, the preacher of God, had become livid and had screamed that he would be sorry when he came back. Castiel was terrified to step through the door, but he did anyways.

He shut it behind him and leaned against it, smiling faintly, remembering the way Dean’s hands had touched him without romanticizing his faults. It was everything Castiel had needed. He ran a hand through his hair and went to walk up the stairs to his room.

The door to his father’s study opened on his right. His dad stood there in the frame, arms crossed, face sour. “Castiel.” His voice was like ice. 

Cas pulled himself to his full height, his smile disappearing. “Hello, Father.”

His dad sneered, advancing on him. “You, Castiel, I always knew you would be the Lost Sheep.” Cas winced, his eyes moved to the floor. His father stood in front of him. “I had a talk with Father Thomas today. He said I need to take this matter into my own hands. That praying wouldn’t save you, but he knew what would.” His dad’s eyes were slits.

Cas found his voice low in his throat. “Father Thomas is a drunken fool.” He was cut off; his father backhanded him, pushing him backwards, the sting of his dad’s ring cut into his face, leaving a bruise across his cheek. Cas hissed and his father towered over him.

“Don’t you dare speak ill of him, Castiel. He told me what you need.” His father grasped at his shirt, dragging him forward while he was still on the ground. “Come in here. I can’t have you waking up your brother.” He pulled him roughly to his feet, shoving him into the study and locking the door behind him. “You know, homosexuality is just like many mental illnesses.” Cas’ skin prickled. “It can be cured, he promised me. I’m going to help you.”

His father forced him down over the desk, holding him steady, his hands dangerously close to Cas’ windpipe, making him gasp. His breath smelled strongly of bourbon.

He forced out his words through his teeth. “I don’t need your help, you bastard.”

His father reared his fist back, bringing it down on Cas’ ribs with a soft thud. Cas coughed, gasping now, and tried to double over but his father held him down roughly, putting something around his neck and tightening it.

_Oh my god, he’s going to choke me to death._

“Father Thomas recommended this, to ease your urges. It will cure you of this. I…did not...raise you...to be so fucked up.” Cas struggled against him, the plastic digging into his skin. His father pushed him to the ground and he landed with a thud, groaning in pain. His hands reached up to claw at the band around his neck and he realized, in horror, what it really was. His father held up a black remote, clearly meant for the shock collar around Castiel’s neck. 

“Wait, Dad, please. D-Don’t do this.” He held up his hands in surrender, his eyes filling with tears, the memory of Dean’s hands forgotten.

“I’m sorry, my child, but it is already done.” His father pressed the button and the electrical collar sprang to life.

Cas screamed, falling backwards, gripping the band with both hands. Next came the horrible feeling of being electrified, his whole body lit up on fire. His eyes popped and there were blue dots on the inside of his lids. It was the worst pain he had ever felt in his entire life. He writhed on the ground till his father released the button and the shocks subsided. He twitched on the ground, the control slowly returning to his arms and legs. Cas sobbed silently, turning on his side. His father leaned down over him.

“Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. 1 Corinthians 6:9-11.” His father unlatched the collar and held it in his hands like a treasure. “There is always forgiveness to those who wish to seek it, Castiel. You were, after all, named after an angel.”

Cas whimpered; his neck stinging. His father ignored him, turning away to place the collar on his desk. “You should sleep soon, my child. It’s getting quiet late.”

From the floor, Castiel hissed. “F-Fuck you.” His father shook his head, and walked out the door, leaving his son to shudder on the ground behind him.

It took Castiel a while to get to his feet. His legs shook and he clutched at the wall, moving slowly up the stairs toward the bathroom. This wasn’t the first time his father had hit him, but he had never done something as inhumane as a shock collar. Cas pushed gently down on the skin of his neck. It stung like crazy and he bit his lip, tasting blood, willing the tears behind his eyes to fade away.

When he finally made it to the bathroom, he stripped off his clothes and sat on the floor of the shower, the water ice cold, letting his heated skin cool down before he shut it off and wrapped a towel around himself, standing in front of the mirror to survey the damage.

It was bad. There was a small cut on his cheekbone, a result of his fathers ring, and the purple beginning to stain his chest was clear evidence of one too many punches to his ribs. Worse then that, though, was the ring of dark purple, yellowish skin around his neck that still stung and looked ghastly in the soft bathroom light. Castiel’s eyes were bloodshot, tears dripping down his face. He swallowed hard against the lump in his throat and reached up to wipe his eyes.

“Castiel?” He turned around. Gabriel was standing in the doorway, staring at his older brother. “I-I heard screaming downstairs. It woke me up. What happened?” His brother looked him over, his eyes lingering on the ring of bruises around his neck, the contusions on his chest, and the tears that wouldn’t stop leaving his eyes.

Cas drew his mouth into a tight, thin line, willing himself to straighten up. Gabe wasn’t ready to know about all this yet; he still had the idea in his mind that their family wasn’t falling apart. When his mother had found Castiel in the bathroom, wrists cut open; she had told Gabriel that Cas was going ‘camping’. They hid the medication from him, turned down the temperature to that Cas had to wear long sleeves, and made sure to only torture Castiel when Gabe wasn’t around. It was a horrible façade but Cas really did want to preserve his little brother’s innocence for as long as he could.

“It’s fine Gabriel. I just stayed out past curfew, Father was upset. You know how he gets when we…don’t obey the rules.” Cas put his arms behind his back in a desperate attempt to hide it from Gabe.

“But, C-Cassie, your neck…”

“I accidentally burned myself. My own fault, I was being careless.” Cas turned away from his, reaching down to grab his clothes from the floor. They still smelled faintly like Dean.

“You…burned yourself? That doesn’t look like a burn…it looks like-“

Cas stood up, turning around, his eyes fierce. “Enough, Gabriel! Just go back to sleep.” He dropped his voice to a whisper. “Please. Go back to bed. Everything is okay, I promise.” 

Gabe lingered in the doorway, his eyes wide, before turning away and walking down the hallway. He stopped when he saw Cas’ phone on the floor, clearly dropped when he was walking up the stairs. He scooped it up without thinking, closing his bedroom door and laying down on his bed. He opened the screen to two new text messages.

Dean: I had a really great time tonight, Cas. Maybe we could do a repeat of it sometime soon?

Charlie: How did your date with Dean go?!? Loverboy was calling me before, all nervous and such. Did you guys kiss? Call me!

Gabe put the phone on his bedside table and stared up at the glow-in-the-dark stars he had put on his ceiling. So, Cas was dating a guy. He tried to find the feeling of disgust that his father had always told them about during his homosexuals-are-the-devil rants but really he just felt glad. Dean had seemed like a good guy, good enough for his brother at least. If Cas was happy with him than who was Gabriel to judge?

****

The next day, Cas stole his mother’s powder and hid the ring around his neck under makeup, turning it back into pale flesh, as if nothing had even happened. He looked in the mirror and flinched. Nobody else could see it, but that didn't mean it wasn't there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boston - Augustana


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next update might take awhile, i hope you enjoy this one. Please leave some feedback!

Dean was surprised to find how easily Castiel shifted from being his lab partner to being his boyfriend. It was a seamless transition, one day Cas wasn’t there, the next he was and Dean forgot what it was like before him. Dean noticed how good Castiel looked when he frowned, but how he looked even better when he smiled.

A few days after their date, Dean took Cas out for lunch. Maybe it was just him, but Castiel was different. He had a sweatshirt on high up his neck despite the warm air, and he refused to get anything to eat besides a Sprite. Dean noticed, but Cas smiled at him and his blue eyes looked clear, so he made a point not to comment.

It had been simple, easygoing, they talked and ate. Cas didn’t mention the willow tree and Dean didn’t mention the scars. Finally, when Dean was almost finished, the conversation hit a lull and Cas burst out with a question.

“Do you want to be my boyfriend?” He had said it quite loud and the look on his face showed that even he was surprised those words came out of his mouth. Dean froze with his food halfway to his lips. An elderly couple in the booth beside them looked at him expectantly. They had clearly been listening to the whole conversation.

He looked at Cas and put his food back down on the plate. Cas was looking at his hands, his cheeks red. It was adorable.

“Cas.” Dean said slowly. Cas didn’t raise his eyes. “Cas, look at me.” Cas did, reluctantly. He was squinting and blushing, making him look extremely cute.

“Relax, Castiel. It’s just me, okay?” Dean reached across the table and took his hands. The elderly woman sighed and put her hand over her heart. “Yes. I do want to be your boyfriend.” He smiled wide and Cas matched his. The couple cooed and continued to stare over at them.

Then, they continued to just talk. They spoke about football, submarines, each other. When the old couple left the woman went over to their table and smiled down at them.

“You two make an adorable couple.” Cas blushed again and Dean threw her a charming smile, his hand still interlaced with Castiel’s.

“Thank you ma’am. You have yourself a good evening.” He waved kindly at the man, who nodded back. The woman grinned happily.

“Same to you both.” They left too. 

That night, Castiel and Charlie went to a club in a town about fifteen minutes out of Lawrence to see Dean’s band play. They sat at a table drinking Shirley temples and watching them perform. There was a really good turnout; Dean looked pleased as he sang. 

Dean took out his acoustic guitar and sang a solo, his eyes trained across the room on Cas, never wavering for a syllable.

_“…I’d walk through hell for you, let it burn right through my shoes. These soles are useless without you. Through hell for you, let the torturing ensue. My soul is useless without you…”_

Charlie grinned and held Castiel’s hand. He led her out to the dance floor and slowdanced along with many other couples. Charlie laughed at Castiel’s clumsiness, and Dean watched the two of them from the stage, something warm and perfect in his chest. It was already starting, he could feel it. He was falling in love with Cas, faster then he could ever imagine.

They dropped Charlie off at her house after the show. There was a party at the Roadhouse but both boys were itching to be alone, so they opted out, heading, instead, to Dean’s empty apartment. It was the middle of September but Dean’s apartment was comfortable and private. He led Cas through the door and shut it behind him. His father wouldn’t be home that night.

“Do you want something to eat?” Dean asked. Cas walked around the small space, taking it all in as if it were the most important thing in the world. He looked at the sparse photographs, the ones of young Dean, smiling at his chubby cheeks and Batman shirts.

“No, I’m fine. I’m not particularly hungry.” Dean stood in the doorway, watching Cas move around the space. He looked so natural there, like this domesticity suited the two of them. Cas must have been thinking the same thing because he turned to look over his shoulder, grinning at Dean.

He walked towards Dean, still looking around the apartment but almost in a detached way. He clearly had other intentions.

“You know, you really do have a nice place. Very…secluded.” His eyes flicked back to Dean’s. They were dark and clouded with lust. “I like that.” He finally reached Dean and leaned forward the kiss him, pulling on his belt loops to bring him closer. Their hips grinded together and Dean groaned.

He pushed Cas back against the wall, his hands on either of his sides, pinning him in place right where Dean wanted him. Dean pulled off his shirt, throwing it to the floor while Cas did the same. Cas’ tattoo, the words _It was a pleasure to burn_ were written in italics on his the left of his collar bone. Dean traced the words, pausing for a moment to look down at Cas’ naked torso. There was a slight smattering of bruises on his ribs, but there were no new cuts, Dean made sure. Cas tipped his head back and sighed, the sound alone drove Dean wild.

Dean bent forward to kiss Cas’ neck, sliding his tongue over the sweet skin. It tasted faintly like makeup, but Dean ignored that, returning to his lips without a second thought.

“God damn, Dean.” Cas pulled them flush together and grinded his hips down, seeking out the friction and finding it, making Dean moan.

Cas held Dean’s wrists and turned them around; Dean felt his back press against the wall as Cas sucked on his chest, leaving a hickey right next to his nipple. He could feel Dean’s heart pounding. Cas ran his hand down his stomach and worked to undo Dean’s zipper, pushing them down around his thighs and palming his erection through the soft fabric. Dean cursed loudly as Cas dropped to his knees. Dean ran his hand through Cas’ hair.

Cas pulled his underwear down, freeing his dick, and Dean’s breathing hitched. He ran his tongue over the sensitive underside, flicking the slit, tasting salty precome. Dean tilted his head back, resting it against the wall, closing his eyes as Cas moved his mouth around Dean’s cock. 

Cas took him into his mouth, swallowing as much as he could before pushing back and bringing his head up again. He picked up the pace and hummed low in the back of his throat, the vibrations sending spurts of electricity up Dean’s spine.

“Oh…Cas…fuck.” Dean gasped loudly and gripped tighter at Cas’ hair. He could feel his stomach tightening, a sign that he was close. Cas bobbed his head, his tongue ravaging over Dean’s sensitive skin. Pretty soon, Dean moaned and came, Cas swallowing it before putting Dean back, smiling slightly to himself.

Dean pressed his hands against the wall, coming down slowly from his high. Cas stood, turning to get his shirt when Dean wrapped his arms around Cas waist and dragged him gently to the couch, still shirtless. Dean crawled over on top of him, towering over the other man’s smaller figure. They kissed for awhile; Dean’s hands hovered at Cas’ waistband, teasing him slightly.

“D-Dean, are you sure? This is moving at lightning speed, I think-“ Cas breathing hitched as Dean pushed his hand down into Cas’ jeans, silencing him.

Dean moved his hand slowly up and down Cas shaft, slick with precome. Cas’ eyes were wide, fixated on Dean’s. Dean continued his slow, torturous movement. “You know…” Dean’s voice was husky. “I just said I was a virgin. I never said I was some fuckin’ blushing hand maiden. Trust me, Castiel.” He leaned forward, biting at Cas’ earlobe, making him shiver. “I know what I’m doing.”

He picked up his pace, making Cas squirm underneath him. His hands worked him over as Dean kissed his jaw, his lips, his neck, anywhere. There was a spot below his ear that made him groan unabashedly. Dean focused on that.

He bit down lightly on Cas’ pressure point and that was all it took. Cas came into Dean’s hand, breathing quickly, his eyes wide. Dean cleaned them up with his dirty T-shirt, all the while kissing Cas deeply, their tongues working in tandem. It was the best night Dean had had in a long time.

The laid on the coach and watched reruns on TV till Cas deemed that “It was late” and he had promised Gabe he would be home in time for The Walking Dead. Dean drove him home and kissed him in the driveway, promising another night just like that one soon. 

With a wink and another heated kiss, Dean drove off in the Impala, back to his apartment where he found his father, standing in the living room, packing all his clothes into a duffel bag, reeking of whiskey and something foul.

“D-Dad? What’s going on? What are you doing?” His dad ignored him and continued to pack his clothes away.

“Dad, stop. Calm down and talk to me. What’s happening?” His dad turned at that, staring at Dean with cold, calculated eyes.

“I’m leaving, Dean. For awhile, but I’ll be back, okay? I g’some business to attend to up in Scranton.” Dean froze.

“You’re leaving? But where will I go? I’m sure as hell not coming with-“ John reached out and backhanded Dean, sending him sprawling to the ground.

“You ain’t invited, boy. You’re gonna stay here, watch the place, go to fuckin’ school. You hear?” Dean stayed on the floor, watching his dad zip up the duffel bag. He nodded, his eyes were dry. It had just been a matter of time before John left him.

John walked towards the door, his eyes bloodshot. “Listen here. Bobby’ll look out for ya, if you need anythin’. I’ll wire some money over when I get to Scranton, and I’ll call ya, okay?” Dean stayed on the floor, motionless, as his dad walked out the door. John looked behind him one last time, staring at his only son sprawled out on the living room floor.

“I’ll call ya soon, Dean. Take care of the house and watch out for Sammy.”

Dean winced, finally finding his voice. “Sammy? But, dad, Sam’s-“ His father slammed the door, cutting Dean off.

Dean stayed on the floor for a little while, his head spinning. He looked around the small apartment, his apartment, and felt a small sense of relief bloom up in his chest.

Dean was liberated of John, at least for a little while. He might have been alone, but at least he was free.

****

“Do you think he’ll come back?” Dean tore his eyes away from the road to look at Jo, who was sitting in the passenger seat. It had been a few weeks since John left, and besides two phone calls and a money transfer, Dean hadn’t heard anything.

Dean shrugged noncommittally, turning down Castiel’s street. He didn’t like talking about his family anymore, not that he really had one. His apartment was his own now; he could do anything he wanted with it. If his friends wanted to come over and drink: they could. If Cas wanted to sleepover: he could. Dean went warm at that last thought. They hadn’t had sex, Cas was willing to wait, but they did have some fun times all alone in that dingy apartment. 

“I’m eighteen now. That means, legally, he doesn’t actually have to come back. I can live on my own for good, and he can stay away.” Jo made a noise of protest, but they pulled into Cas’ driveway and Dean turned to face her, cutting her off. “It might be better this way, Jo. He can’t scream at me from Scranton.” 

Jo shook her head, but pulled out her phone to call Cas. It rang for a bit then Dean heard a gruff voice on the other end. Even after more then a month of dating, Cas’ voice still did weird things to Dean’s heart.

A few moments later, Cas and Charlie walked out of his house. They walked towards the car, mid-conversation, but when Cas saw Dean he smiled, jogging over and getting in the back seat.

“Hey, babe.” Dean murmured, leaning back to kiss Cas, much to Charlie’s delight. They all got settled in and Dean drove out of that neighborhood, heading towards the city. Music played, but it was turned down low in favor of talking, chatting loudly about school and projects.

Cas rolled his eyes and whined. “I still don’t understand why I had to come to this. You really could have taken someone else.”

Jo laughed and Charlie swatted him with her hand. “I’ll explain it again, assbutt. The club we played at last week gave us these tickets instead of actually paying us, total scam, I know, and you’ve never been to a real baseball game before so there. That’s why you have to come.” Jo grinned triumphantly and settled back into her seat.

“But I don’t even like baseball!” Dean shook his head, looking at Cas in the review mirror as he got into a heated discussion with Charlie and Jo about the baseball pants the players wore. Dean was looking forward to today. His dad had taken him to a baseball game with Sammy a long time ago, but that was all. He remembered it as shitty seats, overpriced food, and sunburn, but it was still one of the happier memories.

They pulled into the stadium and took their time finding their seats. They were in the shade, thankfully, and the food actually wasn’t horribly expensive. Castiel bought cotton candy that gave him a wild sugar rush, Charlie and Jo both got hotdogs and Dean just went for a coke, settling down next to Castiel and a little boy who was adorably excited for the game.

The game wasn’t very enticing, and sugar made Cas handsy, so Dean spent the majority of the first few innings trying to control his libido as Cas crept his hand up Dean’s thigh and pressed their arms together. Jo sat next to Cas and he put his free arm around her, letting her rest her head against his neck. Charlie giggled and cheered the whole time, buying popcorn for the four of them and screaming at the ref, much to the rest of their delight.

They watched the game for awhile, and then went to go get more food and use the bathroom. They settled back in just as the halftime show was starting. The loud announcer voice boomed over the crowded stadium, advertising things and giving out prizes. Charlie bounced her leg rhythmically, itching for the game to start.

“Alright, sports fans, it’s time for the annual halftime KISS CAM so pucker up and get ready!” Dean watched the screen as it flitted to different couples, who kissed chastely before waving at the camera. It was cute, but a little sappy.

Charlie burst out laughing and pointed at the monitor. Castiel and Jo were there, front and center. Cas still had his arm around her, so they must have looked vaguely like a couple. Jo turned bright red and hid her faced, while Cas looked around confused. He had never been to a game before, he had no idea what was happening.

“Dean, I don’t understand. I-“ He was drowned out by the crowd around him.

They were all chanting “KISS, KISS” in unison, but Jo was hiding her face and Cas looked utterly confused, his blue eyes wide. Dean grinned and leaned over the plastic armrest, turning Castiel’s face toward him and kissing him open-mouthed right on the lips. The crowd erupted into half laughter; half cat-calls as Cas kissed him back, still being broadcasted on the huge television in the center of the stadium.

“Well, okay then! That’s all for today, folks. Up batting first…” Dean barely registered the game continuing; he was too busy pulling back from Cas lips and watching as the other man smiled, his eyes crinkling in that way they always did.

The game soon ended after that, Dean wasn’t even sure what the score was. Cas wore his leather jacket when he got cold, and they held hands on the way out of the stadium. The four friends held up a good conversation all the way back to Dean’s apartment, where they settled in and watched some action film with a basic plotline and a hot heroine. Dean put his arm around Cas and when the girls left the two boys went to bed together, dreading school the next day.

Both boys settled in for the night. Dean tossed his arm around Cas’ waist, nuzzling his nose into the boy’s raven colored hair. It was October now and the air was cold, but it was the first time in his life that Dean was in love and nothing else in the world seemed to matter.

*****

Before Dean, the days seemed to drag on for Castiel. It was a monotony of waking up, driving his bike to school, getting high, popping pills, doing whatever he could to stay above the water. But now, he was trying to ditch the pills as best he could, he only smoked on occasion, his razor blades were hidden away under his floorboard, next to a bottle of antidepressants and some painkillers. Cas found himself treading, swimming almost, with Dean right there beside him.

The weeks began to slip by. He spent every possible moment with Dean and his friends, ignoring Meg and Crowley’s constant leers as Dean wore his letterman jacket. Cas had grown to hate that stupid coat with everything in him. They would go to clubs, concert venues, and Cas even let himself be dragged to a school football game, which actually turned out to be a lot of fun.

It had been an important game, against a rival school, but Cas didn’t really care about that. Jo told him when to cheer and when to boo, she described what Dean was doing on the field, and when Dean sprinted past one of the lines in the last few seconds of the game, Cas knew that he should feel proud. It was because of his boyfriend that they were advancing as undefeated, or that’s what Dean said on the way to a party after the game.

The next day, a man called Dean from Penn State. They had seen some footage of Dean playing and were interested in offering him a scholarship, if he was willing to come play for them. Castiel had expected him to be happy, but he told the guy he would think about it then tossed his phone on the coach with a strange expression.

Dean sat at the edge of his bed, running his hand over his jaw. Cas sat behind him, running his hands lightly over the skin of Dean’s back.

“I thought you would jump at the chance. What changed?” Dean shrugged, moving out of Castiel’s reach. Cas laid down, his head at the foot of the bed next to Dean’s thigh. “Talk to me, baby, what’s wrong?”

Dean looked down at him, his expression softening slightly. He moved to run a hand through Cas’ hair, his eyes shiny. “I had only ever started playing football because it was my parent’s favorite sport. It made them proud, ya know? And even after mom and Sam died it was something for me and my dad but…I never loved it. It was just something I’m good at; it got me noticed, made people like and respect me. Now that my dad is gone…I don’t know.” He leaned back, looking up at the cracked ceiling of his apartment. “I want to produce music. I always have. I like playing it, sure, but listening to it? That’s what I really love. But unless something changes, that won’t be an option. The only way I’m even going to college is on a scholarship, so I guess that it isn’t so bad.”

It was quiet for a second. Castiel looked at Dean’s sad expression and tried to find the words to help him. He was speechless. Dean shifted to lie down next to him, their heads where their feet should be and vice versa. He looked over, into Cas’ eyes.

“What about you, Cas? Where do you see yourself in five years?”

_…with you…_ Cas shut that thought down before it could reach his lips. He was too scared to say it out loud.

“I-I don’t know. I want to be a therapist, but that requires a lot of schooling. My father said I should become a surgeon, but I want to help people’s minds, not so much their bodies. Does that make sense?” Dean nodded; his eyes clearer then they were before. It was quiet. “Dean?”

“Yes, Cas?”

Cas worried his lip for a moment and then spoke, the words rushing out. “I think that if you want to produce music, then you should produce music. Don’t play football because it’s safe, or I guarantee you’ll wake up in ten years and regret it. I know that it’s not for me to decide…but whatever you choose to do, make sure it makes you happy, okay? You deserve that.”

Dean’s eyes were wide. He parted his lips as if he were about to speak, but instead he just leaned in and kissed Castiel, tasting the sweetness of his tongue. When Cas pulled back, there was a smile on his face.

“I love you.” It was a murmur in the air, just a whisper from Dean’s mouth, but he heard it all the same. Dean buried his face in Cas’ neck, kissing his collar bone. Cas squeezed his eyes shut. 

What had become of him? He had made a bet that he could sleep with Dean. It was two months later and he was in love, so in love that it burned inside his chest when he thought about what was going to happen if Dean ever found out. There was no forgiving what he had done, was he was currently doing now. He had to get out of this bet, this chasm of lies and pain, before it ate him alive.

“I love you, too.” He said it through his teeth, wondering if Dean would still love him when he found out the truth.

*****

Before Castiel knew it, it was the weekend of Halloween. There was a party across town, costumes required, and their friends had decided to coordinate this year.

Balthazar suggested strippers, Garth suggested cowboys, Dean suggested ‘skipping the fucking costumes and going to get wasted’ but it was Castiel’s idea that won them all over.

“The Seven Deadly Sins: Greed, Lust, Wrath, Pride, Gluttony, Sloth, and Envy.” Cas grinned, his eyes shining. Balthazar, Dean, Garth, Charlie, Jo, and Anna all sat on Dean’s living room floor. Tessa and Lisa were going as cats and Chuck, Victor and Adam had decided to go separately as the Three Musketeers, leaving the other seven to find their own niche.

“I don’t get it.” Garth squinted at Cas. “How do we dress as a sin?”

Charlie bounced up off the floor to stand next to Cas, a wide grin on her face. “No, it could totally work! Can I pick who is who?” They all protested but Cas nodded, a smile on his face. He went and sat next to Dean.

“Okay! Garth, you’ll be Gluttony. Basically, wear a stained, old wife beater and sweatpants, and we will make you carry around food the whole night. Also, don’t wear shoes.” Garth shrugged and said that was fine.

“Balthazar, you’ll be Greed. Wear a suit and stuff fake dollar bills in your pockets and stuff. If you can, try and steal people’s stuff all night.”

Balthazar smirked, contemplating this idea. “I like it. Cas, darling, you’re a genius.” Cas raised his beer in Balthazar’s direction.

“Dean.” Dean looked up, he was grinning. “You’ll be Lust. Wear black skinny jeans and that red shirt that makes your muscles stand out. I’ll do your eyeliner and spike up your hair. It’ll be-“

“Wait. Woah. Eyeliner? No way, dude.” Dean shook his head, crossing his arms over his chest.

Cas laughed, nudging Dean playfully. “I think eyeliner is smoking hot on guys. You ever see Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean? Makes me weak every time.” Jo agreed, and Dean rolled his eyes.

“Fine, I’ll wear the fuckin’ liner, but I swear to God, you try and put lipstick on me, I’ll kill you.”

Charlie beamed. “Fair enough, I was planning on going for more of the Billy Joe Armstrong look anyway. Anna, you’ll be Envy. Wear something green and low-cut. Also, fishnets and heels. Try and make it stripper-y but still devious.” Anna blushed and nodded, complimenting Cas on his idea.

“I call dibs on Wrath, cause, you know, red hair. So I’ll wear my red corset dress and spiky boots. Cas, this is such a great idea. Jo, I think you can be Sloth. Sweatshirt, shorts, flip flops; just be a gross messy hick.”

Jo smiled. Dean chuckled. “That shouldn’t be so hard.” Jo smacked him in the face with a pillow, still grinning despite herself.

Cas looked around. “Wait, that just leaves me. What am I?” They all turned to look at him.

Charlie’s face went soft. “Pride, Cas, you’re Pride.” It was quiet for a moment. Everyone felt weird for some reason, as if Pride really didn’t suit Castiel at all. He looked at the ground, nodding to himself. 

“I’ll wear a tux. Oddly enough, I have one. It…will work…” He trailed off.

Charlie hovered there for a moment, sensing the unexplainable tension, before clapping her hands together. “Okay, well, the party is tomorrow, so we can all meet up here before hand. I got to go, there’s a comic book store opening downtown, anyone else want to come?” Garth and Anna went with Charlie, and Balthazar wandered off soon after that, leaving Jo, Cas, and Dean alone in his living room, watching a movie on TV.

Cas nuzzled his head into Dean’s neck, and Jo took that as her cue to leave, winking at Dean before shutting the door behind her, leaving the two boys alone.

As soon as she was gone, Dean turned and kissed Cas, sucking on his bottom lip, pulling at it with his teeth. “I thought they would never leave, baby.” Cas moaned. Dean slid his hands down Cas’ back to cup his ass, sliding them further to grip Cas’ thighs, hoisting him up onto a counter in the kitchen. Cas wrapped his legs around Dean’s waist, pulling him impossibly closer.

They kissed even more. Dean slid his hand in front of him to palm at Cas’ crotch, feeling the rough outline of Castiel’s erection in his jeans.

“God, baby, you’re so hard.” Cas tipped his head back, letting Dean bite at his throat.

Dean unbuttoned Cas’ pants and pulled them down, shifting the fabric to the side so he could get his hand around Cas’ cock. Cas moaned as Dean started to move his hand, his other arm pulling gently at his hair.

“…D-Dean…” Cas’ voice sounded broken as Dean slid his thumb over the head.

“What is it, baby? You like that?” Cas gasped, clutching the counter with both hands.

“G-God, yes. I want to f-fuck you.” Cas felt bad as soon as the words left his lips. He knew Dean wasn’t ready, and he respected that, but being wrecked like this made him want it even more.

Dean leaned in, kissing Cas’ neck, driving him wild. He moved up and whispered in his ear. “Soon, baby. Real soon.” That was all it took before Cas was coming into Dean’ hand and sitting forward, resting his forehead on Dean’s shoulder.

Cas pulled himself down onto shaky legs, zipping up his pants and taking Dean’s hand, guiding him to the couch. He pushed Dean down and straddled him, his hands roaming over his chest before he slid down to sit in front of him, on his knees.

He smiled wickedly up at Dean, who was staring right back at him, eyes wide and lips parted. “You’re turn.”

****

Cas stood in front of the mirror, adjusting his bow tie. He scrutinized his reflection in Dean’s mirror, the same way he had on the first day of school, but this time he liked what he saw. He stepped back, admiring his tailored appearance and the soft line of eyeliner that made the blueness of his iris stand out even more. There was a banging on the door.

“If you want to see your boyfriend, he’s all ready.” It was Charlie who said this, she and Anna had shown up about twenty minutes ago in their scantly clad outfits, looking hot as hell and ever so deadly. Cas turned the knob on the door and came out, face to face with Anna.

“Hiya, Envy. How do I look tonight?” Anna giggled, covering her black lipstick painted mouth.

“Cas…I mean, Pride…you look…” She laughed a little more. “You look HOT.”

Cas smiled. He had parted his hair and combed it back precisely; his suit fit perfectly and outlined his small frame in a way that he actually liked. It was awesome to feel this way.

Charlie walked in and let out a low whistle. “Cas, you clean up nice. Dean’ll be on his hands and knees by the end of the evening. Come on, come see his new look.”

He let himself be taken by the hand and dragged through the hallway towards the living room. Charlie stood back proudly, doing Jazz hands as Dean came out of the kitchen.

“I now present to you…Lust!” Dean stopped dead, staring at Cas, who was staring right back at him. Dean’s hair was spiked up into a sort of Mohawk and his eyes were ringed with black pencil. His shirt was just a bit too tight and his jeans hung just too low on his hips. It was perfect.

“Holy hell, baby.” Dean breathed, his eyes crawling up and down Cas’ suit. “You look…wow…”

Cas smiled, letting Dean kiss his lips. “Yeah, I know. You too.” Anna cooed and Charlie made fake vomiting noises. When the rest of the gang came, they all admired each others costumes, but Cas and Dean barely noticed, they couldn’t keep their hands off each other.

Jo chuckled when she saw them kissing again. “Guys look, I’m all for the PDA but keep it out of the kitchen, people eat here for God’s sake.” Cas blushed.

Dean smirked, winking at Castiel. “It might be a little too late for that one, Jo.” The other five groaned while Dean smiled unabashedly.

Anna hopped off the counter, her face impassive. “Is there anywhere in this apartment you guys haven’t fooled around?” Cas shook his head, his face dead serious and Dean shrugged.

“You can try the hallway but we are very busy people.”

Garth got up and walked to the door. “Oh Jesus, let’s just get to the party, okay?” The rest of them followed, chuckling lightly.

When Castiel walked through the doors, the party was in full swing. They split up and walked around, greeting people and explaining their costumes over and over. Everyone seemed to love the idea. Dean got caught up talking to Victor about the scholarship so Cas slipped away to get them beers. He was standing over the keg, filling up two cups, when Meg appeared beside him.

“Let me guess, you’re Ian Somerhalder- slash- James Bond this year?” She winked and he straightened up, rolling his eyes.

“No, I’m Pride.” He looked at her outfit, a skin tight leather dress and stilettos, and smirked. “My turn, you’re going as a dominatrix this year?”

She laughed, blushing to Castiel’s surprise, and shook her head. “No, not this year. I’m actually supposed to be a demon. Crowley is going as “The King of Hell’ and I’m his little minion.” She shook her head, and Cas laughed.

“Well, the look fits you. I gotta go give this back to Dean now-“

She stopped him, gripping his wrist and narrowing her eyes. “I see the way you look at him, Castiel.” He froze; his eyes wide. “You might want to be careful. I’m over this little bet, but Crowley? He’s keeping tabs on you two. So watch out, and take my advice, Castiel. Call off the bet before you lose Winchester for good.”

She held his gaze for a few seconds before dropping his wrist and sauntering away, melting into the crowd as if she had never been there in the first place. Cas was left staring at the cups in his hands, the beer running flat as he stood without moving, the bustle of party-goers around him falling deaf on his ears. He wasn’t sure how long he was standing there, but after a little while he heard someone calling his name and he looked up, seeing Tessa and Anna walking over to him. They started a conversation, dishing about the slutty costumes and the guys that were way to drunk but Cas just nodded, his thoughts elsewhere.

He found Dean and handed him the red plastic cup, earning a smug smile in return. Cas stood quietly while Dean talked to a group of people, an entertainer till the end. He bypassed the stale pretzels in favor of vodka, beer, tequila, and finally, per Balthazar’s request, wine. By the end of the night he was giggling, stumbling, sliding his hand up Dean’s thigh in the car. He rolled his head back against the leather seats, wondering absently where they were going. Charlie was in the driver seat, Garth was riding shotgun, and Dean was in the back with Castiel.

“W-Where are we goin’?” His voice was slurred and syrupy, but it made Dean smile all the same.

He leaned to his side, putting Cas’ head against his shoulder. “My place, babe. The party was kind of a bust, although everyone loved our costumes.” Cas grinned and hummed, sounding content.

“That’s….that’s good…” He slumped against Dean, a sloppy smile on his face. “I love…you, Dean.” His eyes slipped closed, giving way to unconsciousness. He never even heard Dean’s reply.

*****  
Charlie helped Dean get Castiel up the stairs. His boyfriend was smashed and he basically had to be carried into the apartment and put to bed. Both Dean and Charlie were relatively tipsy, but not tired at all, so they grabbed a few beers from the fridge and sat on the small balcony off Dean’s apartment.

It was empty except for two plastic chairs, but the pair settled in, trading stories about that night. Charlie didn’t even bother to pull down her dress, it had hiked up her thigh so much over the night and she knew Dean didn’t care.

They laughed for awhile but as the night got darker, the mood turned somber. It was Dean who spoke first.

“Can I ask you something, Charlie?”

She sipped her beer, turning to look at Dean. He was looking out over the city. “Shoot.”

Dean picked at the label of his beer with his thumb, turning the bottle over in his hand. “Castiel. Before he and I were together…what was he like?” When Charlie stayed silent, Dean continued. “I’ve seen the scars, Charlie. I just want to know why.”

Charlie nodded, thinking hard about her answer before speaking. “He was…different. A lot different. I think Castiel was born running. He would sleep around, get trashed all the time, sometimes even before school. Cas was out of control when I first met him, but Anna and I liked him. Especially when our mom died…he was really there for us, you know? We knew he wasn’t healthy, but we didn’t know how to help him. He always looked so confident and real, that was before we knew about the cutting.”

After a moment, she continued. “We were friends with him all of last year. He never invited us to his house, never once talked about anyone in his family besides Gabriel; he basically just kept that part of his life a secret. Have you met his parents?” Dean shook his head. Charlie winced. “They’re horrible people. His mother is a decorator, that’s where all the money comes from, but she drinks a lot and is never home. His dad’s a Bible-thumping idiot who drinks bourbon from a hip-flask. I remember the night Castiel told them he was bisexual. He showed up at our house, drunk, crying and bleeding. We wanted to call the police, but Cas wouldn’t let us. Said he didn’t want Gabe to know, kept screaming it over and over as we got him cleaned up.”

“It just got worse after that. His father would ignore him, beat him, or ridicule him. His mother just stayed out of it, drinking till she couldn’t stand. He had the two of us sleepover one night and when his dad came home…” She shuddered involuntarily. Dean knew it wasn’t from the cold. “He nearly broke one of Cas’ ribs. We had to help him shower and that’s when…we saw the state of his arms. We tried to get him help, but Cas wouldn’t hear of it. After that, he got worse, became even wilder then before. We stopped going out with him because it was like being chained to a comet. Drugs, drinking, sex. Anything to get him away from that horrible home.”

Dean cut in, his heart pounding in his chest. “But…he’s eighteen. Why doesn’t he leave? Come live with me?”

She shook her head. “I’m not done yet, Dean. Maybe four months before you met him, Mrs. Novak found Castiel in the bathroom. He…He had his wrists all cut open, blood all over the floor, and….she couldn’t wake him up. She called me to come get him because…” Charlie’s eyes filled up. “She was too drunk to drive him to the hospital and didn’t want to call an ambulance because she didn’t want to disrupt the neighborhood. She kept ranting on about how selfish it was of Cas and how Gabe couldn’t find out. I drove over and she practically dragged him out of the house with these shabby towels wrapped around his arms. They were soaked with blood. We barely made it to the hospital. He was unconscious but they managed to save him…after that, well, they put him in a home for a little while but his dad pulled him out. He was put on mandatory therapy sessions; he goes there every Thursday…he’s on some list of potential suicides so he can’t leave.” She wiped at her face. “They get to keep him till graduation.”

Dean put his head in his hands, his voice muffled and tight. “But…that’s so unfair, I-“ He stopped himself. There wasn’t anything he could do there. “I still don’t understand. Why cutting? Why did he feel the need to…?”

Charlie finished her beer, looking out at Dean’s view of Lawrence. “I still don’t quite grasp it. Anna doesn’t either and they aren’t as close. I think…he never grew up right. He’s still young, but the world asked a lot of him. His parents were hiding everything from Gabriel, they still are, actually, and we didn’t know how to help him…so, he was alone. He made some really bad choices and I think he figured he deserved something. To him; it was some kind of sick penance.”

Dean shook his head. “But-“

“Look, Dean, I love Cas. I do. And ever since you found him, he’s been clean. No more pills, less pot, no blades, the works. I’ve already told you more then I should have, but I think you deserve to know what you’re up against.”

Dean looked at her. “What do you mean?”

Charlie sighed. “He’s made some really, really terrible choices. Not just the ones that put him in the hospital, there are more. Some made even my skin crawl, and I didn’t even flinch while watching Braveheart. I’m not going to say a word about it, that’s up to him but…if there is ever a time where one of these choices comes back to haunt him, promise me you’ll be there for him. Please, Dean. This is important.” Her eyes were fiery.

Dean nodded, with no hesitation. “I love him.”

“Then promise.”

Dean held her gaze. He reached across the small space to wrap his hand around one of her thin white wrists. “I promise, Charlie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Walk Through Hell - Say Anything


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave some feedback! i love hearing how you guys think the story is going. also, there are a ton of references in this chapter see if you guys can pick them out!

If there was one thing that Dean loved about Cas, it was the fact that, no matter what, Castiel always made time for him. With his dad gone, Dean started picking up shifts at the Roadhouse behind the bar to make some money, mixing drinks and serving food, being a general underpaid busboy. He liked spending the extra time with Jo, Bobby and Ellen but the work was exhausting and he found himself more then once falling asleep on the coach, squished in next to Cas.

Cas helped out the best he could. He took over their project, staying up late to finish his research, he bought Dean lunch at work, and took him out on dates during the weekend, sometimes even to Cas’ house, but only when his parents were gone. He let Dean hang out with Gabe, and Gabe appreciated the extra company, especially since that meant having someone else around who was just as enthusiastic about Super Mario Galaxy as he was. October fell away into November, and everything was going good.

Dean could tell Cas was trying his best to be patient with Dean. The other boy had gone almost three months without sex and it wasn’t getting harder and harder, Dean could tell. Cas didn’t sleep over at the apartment much anymore, more out of fear at not being able to control himself. It was late November when Dean decided that, fuck it all, he wanted to sleep with his boyfriend. He just…couldn’t find the right way to tell Castiel.

It turned out; something far bigger was planned for the pair then sex. It happened on a Thursday, a weeks before Thanksgiving. Gabriel and Dean were playing video games while Cas typed up an English essay on his computer. Dean sat on the floor leaning back against Cas. Gabe kept glancing over at them and finally he had enough.

“For God’s sake, I know you two are dating!” Cas looked up, eyes wide, and Dean blushed furiously.

Cas stuttered out a denial, but Gabe cut him off. “Jesus, Cas, you think I can’t tell? It’s so obvious! I’m happy for you both, seriously, just don’t underestimate me next time, kay, brother?” Cas looked dumbfounded, Dean looked like he was biting back a laugh. 

There was a slightly awkward conversation that followed. Cas wanted to know when Gabe found out, and Gabe wanted to know the logistics: when Cas knew he was gay, how Dean was treating him, all the normal things that one would want to know. After that happened, they settled back into their previous routine, but Dean leaned back a little more on Cas, and Cas played absentmindedly with his hair. It was another fifteen minutes before Gabe spoke up.

“Hey, Dean. Do you want to come to Thanksgiving?” Gabe looked over at Dean expectantly.

“Gabriel. You know that’s a horrible idea. Mom and Dad would eat him-“

“I’d love to.” Both Novak brothers turned and looked at Dean with raised eyebrows. Gabe cheered, throwing a smug look at Cas.

Dean turned around to glance at his boyfriend with a smile, but it faded at the look on Cas’ face. He looked terrified, his lip was caught between his teeth, and his eyes were squinted. Dean backtracked, patting his knee reassuringly. 

“I’ll come as your lab partner, Cas. Your sweet, charming lab partner who has nowhere else to go for turkey day. It’ll be just fine. I want to meet your folks.”

Cas glanced over at Gabe, but he had left the room in search of candy. Cas leaned down to whisper to Dean. “They’re horrible, Dean. I don’t know what could happen, it could be-“

Dean pushed up, kissing the corner of his mouth. He held himself there till Castiel relaxed and pulled away.

“Cas, I can handle whatever they throw at me. It had to happen eventually right?” Castiel shook his, leaning against the couch cushion in defeat.

“If you must, Dean. Come over at five.”

Dean had forgotten how to tie a tie. Actually, it was Bobby’s, but he stood in front of the mirror on Thanksgiving and stared at the thin strip of material. He had done this a million times before, hadn’t he? Why could he not get his fingers to work this time? 

Jo sat in his living room, looking through his DVDs for something to watch with her parents tonight. She had been a little hurt when Dean told her he wasn’t spending his Thanksgiving at the Roadhouse, but, in truth, she was happy that Dean and Castiel were getting serious. She could tell he was nervous to go tonight, and she almost peed herself laughing when Dean walked out of the bathroom, tie in hand, eyes wild with nerves, whining about how knots didn’t make any sense.

Jo walked over and grabbed the robin’s egg blue tie from his hand. She slid it under the collar of his crisp white shirt and tied it with swift fingers. She lingered there for a second, flattening it out, before grinning to herself and running to her bag.

“I have a surprise. Here, wear this.” She pulled out a soft grey sweater with a black diamond pattern on the front. She presented it like a trophy, all smiles and big eyes as Dean felt the supple material.

“Jo, what is this?” He took it from her, turning it over in his hands.

Jo laughed. “It’s a sweater, dumbass, a present from the folks and I. You deserve it, it matches your outfit, so wear it and don’t complain, okay?”

Dean complied, pulling it on and fixing his collar in the mirror. He did look good, the colors suited him. He hadn’t had an excuse to get dressed up in a while. Jo stood behind him in the mirror and brushed off his shoulders, fixing his hair, and righting his tie. Dean was grateful for the help.

He was leaving a little later then he hoped, but he still let Jo give him a pep talk and a kiss on the cheek before he walked out the door and drove the short stretch to Castiel’s house.

He knocked on the door and waited a few minutes before Cas opened it, out of breath for some reason. Cas was wearing a red and black striped sweater and slacks, but his eyes trailed over Dean’s outfit almost greedily.

“Dean…you look…amazing. As always.” He whispered then stood back to let Dean inside. “Dinner is just starting. Come in, I guess.”

Dean walked through the cold house, admiring the décor, but in the back of his mind he was securitizing every corner of the house.

_Was this where Cas’ dad hit him the first time? Did he bleed on that floor, is that why there is a rug over it? How can I save him before it’s too late?_

They turned a corner into a dining room, set up with fancy china plates that matched the mint green walls. It was not homey, more like a picture out of a catalogue, but Dean made sure to compliment it all the same, earning him an eye roll from Castiel.

Mrs. Novak entered with Gabriel following close behind, carrying food and laying it out.

“Mom, this is Dean, he’s my…lab partner at school. I told you he would be joining us tonight.” Dean stepped forward and shook her hand.

“It’s nice to finally meet you, Mrs. Novak; I’ve heard many good things. You have a lovely home.”

Castiel’s mom’s eyes were glassy; Dean could tell she was already drunk, her wine glass on the table half full. “T-Thank you, Dean. Always a pleasure…to meet one of Castiel’s friends.” Dean nodded and moved to help with the food. Mrs. Novak grabbed the wine bottle off the table and refilled her glass.

“Dean…do you prefer red or white wine? Or whiskey, perhaps?” She held out a glass to him. He looked at it, uncertain, before Cas stepped in, taking it off her hands. 

“Mom, Dean is my age. Dad won’t let us drink.” He put the glass back in the cabinet.

His mother took a long sip of wine and sat down heavily in the padded chair. Gabe continued to bring in food, casting awkward glances at Castiel as he did so. “B-But, Cassie, you’re twenty-two?”

Cas winced, taking the half-full glass from his mother’s hand and setting it back on the table. “No, mom, I’m only eighteen.” The front door slammed shut and Cas looked up. Dean saw his face go white. Cas turned around looking at Dean with wide eyes. 

Mrs. Novak looked up with lidded eyes and pulled her mouth taut. “Your father’s home.” She threw an icy glare at Castiel then stood, her feet unsteady. “Watch your tongue tonight, Castiel.”

Cas just nodded. He stood with Dean and Gabriel as Mr. Novak walked into the room. He scrutinized the three boys with beady eyes before slumping down in the chair at the head of the table and demanding a brandy. Gabe ran off to get it. Castiel, Dean, and Mrs. Novak all sat down. Gabe came back and sat with them.

It was uncomfortably tense as Mr. Novak blessed the food and they all distributed the courses onto their plates. There was silence except the scrape of forks and knives grinding against the china. Dean looked over at Castiel. He wasn’t eating anything. He hands were in his lap and he was staring down at them. Dean pushed his foot over to meet Cas’. He didn’t acknowledge it.

“Hey.” Mr. Novak’s voice was gruff. “Who’s that?” He pointed the sharp end of his knife at Dean and Dean felt the powerfulness of his stare. He willed himself not to shudder.

Castiel’s voice was small when he answered, subdued in a way Dean had never seen before. “This is Dean Winchester, he’s my lab partner.”

Dean nodded at the head of the table, barely managing to maintain eye contact with Castiel’s dad. “It’s nice to-“

He was interrupted. “What’s he doing here?”

Cas raised his eyes. They were narrowed into icy blue slits. “I invited him.”

Cas and his father held a steady glare for a few moments before Cas looked back at his plate. Dean pressed his foot down over Castiel’s. It was silent again.

Dean answered quieter this time. “It’s nice to meet you, sir.”

Mr. Novak looked over at him with clear distaste. He cut into his turkey, a grim look on his face. “So, Dean?” Dean sat up straighter. “You’re the one that’s fucking my son?”

There was a clatter of silver as Gabe dropped his fork. Dean blushed beet red and widened his eyes. Cas gripped the edge of the table with both hands.

Mrs. Novak looked lazily between them “Honey, not in front of Gabriel.” She finished off her wine and moved to pour more.

Castiel gritted his teeth. “Mother, don’t you think you’ve had enough?”

Mr. Novak slammed both his palms on the table, making everyone but Castiel jump. “Don’t you dare talk to your mother that way, you ungrateful little fag!” Cas didn’t even flinch.

“Gabe, you should go to your room.” Cas’ mother’s voice was stern but sloppy. She gestured to the door with her hands, clutching the bottle of wine in the other.

Gabe looked back and forth between Cas and his father, his expression pained. “I…I…” He looked at his mom, who was pouring the red wine into her glass. “I know Castiel is a homosexual!” Cas froze, his face paling, as if it was some big surprise. Dean watched from his seat, taking in each of their reactions.

Mr. Novak was strangely cool. “So, Gabriel? Castiel has tried to turn you on the path of sin then, hasn’t he?” Cas barked a sarcastic laugh, leaning back in his seat.

Gabe tilted his head. “W-What? No…no I just know that he likes boys and girls. He never tried to force anything on me. Actually, ever since he and Dean have started dating, Cas seems happier.”

Dean squeezed his eyes shut. Gabriel hadn’t meant to turn the conversation back to the two of them but he had, and it was Mrs. Novak who seethed through her teeth. “Go upstairs, Gabriel. NOW.” Gabe looked at Cas, startled, who simply nodded. Gabe pulled back his chair and left, casting a final glance over his shoulder.

Once he was gone, the whole room seemed darker. Dean sat there awkwardly while Cas looked dead ahead at the wall. Mrs. Novak sipped her drink and watched her son.

Mr. Novak leaned in, his face red. “Castiel. Must I remind you what happens to the Angel that fell from grace?” He didn’t wait for an answer. “He became the Devil. Satan. Lucifer. Need I remind you what Father Thomas requested I do to calm your…urges?” His voice was like a snake’s hiss.

Cas matched his eyes, his hands shaking. “What are you going to do to me, Father? Electrocute me again? Chain me to a bed in the basement till I’m starved?” He stood up, squaring against the table. “You could cast me out on the streets and even that wouldn’t stop me! I would still love him!”

Dean’s blood went cold. Mr. Novak took his china dish and threw it across the room, watching it crash right next to Castiel’s head, leaving a smear of cranberry sauce on the wall. Dean stood, putting himself between Cas and the table. Cas pushed forward against Dean’s back.

“You crazy motherfucker, you could’ve killed me! I’m your son, you could’ve…” Dean put a hand on his chest, stopping him. 

Castiel’s father screamed, even Mrs. Novak flinched. “Don’t you dare defend yourself with words like ‘love’, Castiel! I would rather see you dead then have you live under my room while this…BOY here infests your mind with these unholy things.”

Cas’ eyes were wet but he wasn’t crying. “I bet you’d love that, Father, I bet you would love to see me die. Once wasn’t enough for you, I got to give it another try, huh? Is that what you want?” Dean pushed Cas back, nearing the door.

“You sick little bastard! Get the hell out of my house!” Mr. Novak threw another dish in their direction, missing by a marginal amount. 

“We’re leaving.” Dean breathed, and he grabbed Cas’ arm, pulling him through the door into the hallway. Cas tried to pull out of his grip. Dean only tightened it. “Now.”

Gabe stood in the hallway, ringing his hands. Cas and Dean walked past him, towards the door. He hurried after them, on the verge of tears. “I didn’t mean…I’m so sorry, Cassie. I didn’t mean to tell them. It’s just you’ve been so happy lately and they are so…so m-mean to you, and I didn’t think…” Cas turned and bent down, pulling Gabe close to his chest.

“It’s not your fault, Gabe. None of this is your fault, okay? I’m just going to spend the night somewhere else. It’s alright, really, I’ll call you tomorrow. Just go upstairs and lock your door. If anything else happens, climb out the window, go to Alfie’s house and call my cell. I’ll leave it on.” Gabe nodded his eyes wide. “I love you, Gabe.” He ruffled his little brother’s hair.

“I love you too, Cassie.” Cas nodded, pushing past Dean to get out the front door. Gabe pulled on Dean’s jacket sleeve, turning him around. “Dean. You need to protect him. Keep my brother safe, okay?”

Dean reached forward and shook Gabe’s hand. “I will, little man. I’ll make sure he calls you tomorrow, safe and sound.”

Then, with that in mind, Dean jogged after Castiel, sliding into the Impala and closing the door, turning off the driveway for somewhere that didn’t feel like a prison.

*****

They drove in silence, the radio off; Castiel stared out the window, his thoughts elsewhere. Dean drove along the familiar roads of Kansas, making turn after turn until he reached their destination. 

Cas stared through the glass at his family’s lakehouse. The moon shone on the water’s surface, daring to be touched, but Cas didn’t feel much for swimming. Apparently Dean didn’t either, because he got out of the car and approached the front door, turning to beckon Cas to follow.

Cas did, reluctantly, and they stepped through the door into the warm threshold that was so rarely used. Cas ran his hand along the dusty tables, his eyes flitting over the photographs one after another, a sea of picture perfect smiles. He sighed and turned to face his boyfriend, an apology on his lips, but it was Dean that spoke first.

“I don’t care, Castiel.” He took a step forward. “I don’t care what your family thinks, I don’t care that your father is a self-righteous asshole with a personal vendetta against me, I don’t care that this whole situation is fucked. You’re mine. And I’m going to take care of you for as long as you will have me.” Dean’s eyes were like fire, two emerald pools of pure lust as he closed the space between them, his hands on Castiel’s shoulders. Cas stared, wide eyed, as Dean leaned in to press their foreheads together. “Don’t you dare be foolish enough to think that I don’t love you.”

Dean took his hand and pulled him through the house, stopping to look back at him, a wicked smile dancing across his face. Castiel felt his heart beating through his sweater, over and over like a drumbeat. 

Dean pulled them into the bedroom, shutting the door behind them with a loud bang. He was on Castiel in seconds, lips begging against his, hand sweeping low on his hips, pulling the cloth of his shirt aside and running his thumbs over the smooth skin of his hipbones. Cas groaned and Dean kissed him harder.

Cas pulled at the hem of Dean’s sweater, yanking it over his head and moving to undo his tie, his hands fast and quick at undoing the knot while Dean moved to take off his belt.

Dean unzipped his pants and pushed them down, enclosing his hand around Cas’ half-hard cock. Cas gasped in a breath and tried to focus on the buttons of Dean’s shirt, finally getting them off just as Dean began to move his hand. Cas took off his sweater too, and moved to grab Dean’s wrist.

“D-Dean, wait, if we don’t stop now I don’t think-“

Dean bit on his bottom lip, cutting off his words before they fell out of his mouth. “I don’t want to stop, Castiel.” Cas moaned at his words, pushing him backward so they laid on the bed, the smaller boy on top.

Dean reached up to pull at the neck of Cas’ white undershirt. In his haste, he pulled too hard and a ripping sound filled the room. Dean stopped, holding the remains of his white Henley tee between his fingers. Cas stared at him, speechless, before he burst out laughing.

“Oh, you’re gonna pay for that one, Winchester.” He pressed down, the friction between them sparking and igniting. Both men stilled as Cas drove his hips down again. Dean nodded slowly, and Cas moved to strip the rest of his clothes off. Dean did the same.

Cas pushed back. “D-Dean?”

Dean sat up on his elbows, swallowing hard. “Yes, Cas?”

Castiel ran his tongue along his bottom lip, watching as Dean followed it with his eyes. “Do you know how to…?” Dean didn’t speak, just nodded, rolling them over so that he was on top of Castiel. His fingers slid down the curve of Castiel’s back before slipping inside him, eliciting a sigh from his lips.

He worked Castiel open for a few minutes, prolonging the inevitable. Dean had waited for this a long time. He watched as Castiel writhed beneath him whenever he crooked his finger, he saw the way Cas’ eyes were alight, how he was wrecked in a way Dean never knew he’d appreciate.

“Top drawer, Dean.” Cas’ voice sounded haggard and distraught. Dean reached over and rummaged around till he pulled out the small bottle and a condom. Cas put both his hands on Dean’s cheeks. “Are you sure?” 

Dean smiled lightly. “Yes. Are…are you sure?”

Cas felt himself shake at Dean’s words. This was it, the final test. He slept with Dean, he won the bet, and it was over. Any chance he had at stopping this was finished. He looked up at the man he loved and felt himself nod. He felt Dean push into him with a satisfied sigh, and just hearing the noises of pleasure was enough for him. Cas had, in the end, lost the bet. He had fallen in love.

He traced his hands up and down Dean’s back, relishing the lovely feel of smooth skin under him fingertips, but he was haunted, in the back of his mind, by the inevitable that was waiting just around the bend.

_“Do you believe in God, Castiel?”_

_Cas drummed his fingers against the lacquered table in front of him. He considered the question, squinting his eyes at his therapist, who sat with her legs crossed, a prim, stern expression corroding her soft features. She would have been pretty if she smiled._

_“Why do you ask, Doc?”_

_She regarded him carefully, with a tiny shrug. “I like to know all my patients stances on faith and religion. You seem to have interesting opinions on everything. I would like to hear your take on the concept of a ‘Higher Power’.”_

_Cas leaned forward, brushing a hair through his unruly hair and grinned. “You know my father once told me that God is an all-or-nothing man, do you know what I mean? He said faith isn’t like dessert, it’s the main course, you either have it or you don’t, and that’s how I grew up, that’s what I believed for so long. I guess that’s why I rejected the theory of religion, because that faith wasn’t there for me, and my father resented it from the day I was born.”_

_His therapist nodded, waiting for him to continue. “That was one of the thoughts that ran through my head while I was dying. I thought, ‘I’m going to hell because I don’t have faith. Because God hates the gays and the sinners.’ That’s the only thing I was afraid of. I wasn’t worried about leaving my family and friends behind, although now I see how selfish that was. I wasn’t afraid of not being remembered or any of that bullshit; I was just scared of dying and being cast away from Heaven because that’s what I had been taught.”_

_“So you do believe in Heaven, then?”_

_“I have to. Don’t you? I mean, this life used to suck so bad that the promise of Heaven was my only hope. Isn’t that what we are all striving for? Eternal glory in the eyes of God. That used to be the only thing I believed in.”_

_“And here we are, months later, Castiel. What do you believe in now?”_

_“Well, Doc, there is so many choices out there. I’ve seen people believe in trees, oceans, stars and constellations. They worship the Holy God, the demons, the angels, the bad gods, the good gods, Buddha, Rah, the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost and a thousand things in between. But they don’t got what I’ve got.”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_“I tried to believe in them for a long time. But out of that whole pantheon, I believe in one thing. I believe in him.”_

_His therapist smiled knowingly, not even bothering the write anything down. Cas leaned back, his eyes shifting from light and happy to something much darker._

_“That, of course comes with a price. If I didn’t believe in him, I wouldn’t understand what I know now.”_

_“And what is it that you know now?”_

_Cas shook his head, his blue eyes shadowed. “Now that I’ve seen him, it can’t be unseen. Now I think I understand why storms are named after people.”_

*****

Dean woke up the next morning and his arm was asleep. It was trapped underneath Castiel’s sleeping form, a puff of tousled black and hair and tanned skin. Dean smiled, pulling his limb out gently and resting his palm on Cas’ back, rubbing it in smooth circles. Cas hummed happily, lifting his head, his eyes clear crystal blue.

“W-What time is it?” Cas voice was hoarse and rough, it made Dean shiver. He rolled over to pull his phone out of his pant’s pocket, which lay discarded on the floor.

“It’s-FUCK. It’s almost eleven, I’ve gotta go!” Dean jumped out of bed, rummaging around the room for his clothes. Cas sat up, his banks falling over his face. 

“Where are you going?”

Dean sighed, pulling his jeans on over his boxers. “I have work, I promised Jo I would take today’s shift at the Roadhouse. I’m sorry, baby, I really don’t want to leave but I promised…” He trailed off, looked at his button down with a furrowed brow.

Cas laughed, low and throaty, and pointed across the room towards the dresser. “There are some T-shirts in there, you can borrow one. And don’t worry about leaving; I was going to stay here anyway.”

Dean opened the drawer and grabbed the first one he saw, a wine-colored one with the Pink Floyd prism on it. It fit over his chest just a little too tight and made Castiel smile. 

“You’re staying here?” 

Cas nodded, getting out of bed but wrapping the blanket around him. “Just for today, I think it’s best if I stay away for a few more hours. I’ll make breakfast and watch movies, really, nothing too exciting. I can walk back to Lawrence for my bike. If you want I can sleep at your place tonight.”

The pair walked to Dean’s car. Dean was dressed, his other clothes stuffed in the backseat, and Cas was in his boxers, the big blanket wrapped around his tiny frame.

Dean opened the trunk and dug around, pulling out his red and white letterman jacket. He held it in his hands before grinning and extending it to Cas.

“Here. This will keep you warm while I’m gone. I’m sure it smells like me, I’ve worn it enough.” Cas stared at the jacket, his eyes wide and his skin pale.

“B-But that’s your football jacket…I mean, I can’t borrow it…” His eyes looked scared.

Dean chuckled and placed it in his boyfriend’s hands. “Then don’t borrow it. You can keep it, okay? Something to remember me by.” Cas looked up at him, speechless. “What I’m a romantic?” He laughed. “Have a good day, babe.” Dean leaned down to kiss him chastely before sliding into the Impala and revving the engine, waving to Cas before he pulled out of the wooded area.

Had he looked behind him in the review mirror, he would’ve seen Cas ball the jacket up in his fists, tears running down his cheeks, sitting down heavily on the front porch step, crying loudly into the soft leather.

****

Charlie rolled over in her bed to look at her phone screen. Her girlfriend, Gilda, sleeping next to her, grumbled loudly in her sleep and Charlie turned to brush her brown hair off her face. The Caller ID was Castiel, so she pressed “Accept” and held the phone to her ear, about to bitch about cockblocking, till she heard his voice.

“C-Charlie?”

Charlie sat up in her bed. “Castiel? Are you okay? You sound drunk.” She turned and looked at the clock. It was barely two PM, and the day after Thanksgiving. Shouldn’t Cas be with Dean?

Cas giggled on the other end. “That’s…because I-I am drunk. There’s a whole liquor store here…and I drank it.” He erupted into hysterical laughter.

Charlie got out of bed, pulling on a shirt over her sports bra. “Where are you, Cas?” She sat on the edge of her bed. “Where’s Dean?”

Cas stopped laughing. “Charlie…I fucked up. Y-You gotta come here…he loves me…” Charlie grabbed for her flip flops, kissing Gilda’s head before taking the steps two at a time. 

“Where are you? I’ll come now.”

Cas groaned. “I’m at the l-lake house. Bring liquor.” The call was cut off.

Charlie sped all the way to the familiar vacation house. She could hear the music all the way from the turn-off. When she pulled in front of the home, the door was open and the volume was unbelievable. 

_“…well, holy moly, me oh my, you’re the apple of my eye. Girl I’ve never loved one like you…man oh man, you’re my best friend…I scream it to the nothingness…there aint nothing that I need…”_

Charlie looked through the door, her hands covering her ears. Castiel was sprawled in the living room, half on the coach half off, in unbuttoned jeans and Dean’s football jacket, bellowing the lyrics with a whiskey bottle in his right hand.

_“…well, hot and heavy pumpkin pie, chocolate candy…Jesus Christ…aint nothing please me more then you…”_

She stared as he tipped the bottle back, downing a gulp, before resuming his inhumane screaming of the lyrics.

_“…Ho-o-ome, let me come home…home is wherever I’m with you. Ho-o-ome…let me come home. Home is when I’m alone with you…”_

Charlie slammed her hand over the off button on the stereo, pitching the house into sudden, unbalanced silence. Cas opened his eyes groggily and pulled himself up, scanning the room with foggy eyes before landing on Charlie and laughing.

“Y-You came for the party!” He grinned before slumping back down.

Charlie went to his side and sat next to him, their back pressed against the bottom of the leather sofa. “Cas…what’s happening? Why are you here?”

Cas turned to her, his eyes red-rimmed and sad. “He loves me, Charlie. He really, really loves me.” He pointed at the jacket. “He gave me the final piece. I won the bet…I think I’m going to lose him.”

Charlie put her hand against his forehead, but his skin wasn’t overly heated. “Cas, baby, what are you talking about?” Cas shook his hand, tears leaking out of his eyes. ‘You can tell me, I promise.”

Cas leaned down, putting his head in her lap. She ran her hands through his sweaty black hair, he began to cry, speaking in muffled, unpronounced slurs. “C-Crowley and Meg bet me I could sleep with Dean…by graduation and get this…abomination of a jacket…or they w-would get my motorcycle.” Charlie stopped moving her hand, her eyes wide. “B-But then, I…talked to Dean and I fell in l-love with him, and he actually loves me back…” Cas sobbed, hard, and clutched at Charlie’s thigh. “I’ve been getting b-better, Charlie, and I need him. He’s the only family I have. He’ll hate me…you’ll all hate me.” Cas broke off, shaking in her arms.

Charlie pulled him close, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. “C-Cas, oh, Castiel…it’s okay. It’s going to be okay, I’m going to help you. Everything’s alright, baby, please don’t cry.” 

Castiel looked up at her. His blue eyes were big and sad. “Charlie, why does it hurt so much…to be alive?”

She looked down at her best friend, remembering the night she almost lost him all too vividly. It was seared into her mind, all that blood, all that sadness. She whispered her answer into his hair.

“You are terribly real in a terribly false world. That, I believe, is why you’re in so much pain.”

Charlie wracked her brain as Castiel cried harder into her sleeve. She leaned down, brushing her lips over his forehead, and began to sing.

_“…Love of mine…someday you will die. But I’ll be close behind…I’ll follow you into the dark. No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white…just our hands clasped so tight…waiting for the hint of a spark…”_

Cas’ breathing became slower and shallower. Charlie paused.

“C-Can you keep singing?” She rubbed his back, relaxing under his weight, letting his eyes slide shut.

_“…If Heaven and Hell decide that they both are satisfied…illuminate the ‘No’ on their vacancy signs…if there no one beside you…when your soul embarks…then I’ll follow you into the dark…”_

The pair stayed that way, till Castiel fell asleep. Charlie brushed the hair out of his eyes and sighed. He looked so much younger when he was sleeping, less like a teenager forced to be an adult and more like a child who had the world at his feet. She let Castiel sleep in her lap, her mind racing, running over everything that Cas had told her, trying to piece it all together.

Charlie tried to picture a way that this could all end happily for her best friend, but even in her imagination she knew this would all end in heartbreak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Home - Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros  
> I Will Follow You Into The Dark - Death Cab for Cutie


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, i broke my finger playing field hockey so i wont be able to type for awhile, the next update may be delayed. Thank you so much :)

“What should I get him?” Dean turned around, a worried look on his face. Jo rolled her eyes, shrugging noncommittally before returning back to the shelf of baseball caps.

“It’s Castiel, Dean. He’s your boyfriend; shouldn’t you know what to get him for Christmas?” She picked the one that she thought Bobby would like best- it was blue and looked sturdy. Dean paced behind her, rubbing his chin with his hand.

“Yes, you’re right but he’s going to leave tomorrow! I shouldn’t have waited till the day before.” He peered around the store- one of Jo’s favorites; it had everything from shotgun shells to prom dresses- and came up short.

“You never did tell me why he’s leaving.”

Dean shrugged. “He’s going to his cousin’s house over break with his family. They’ll be back before New Years but they have to spend Christmas there. Cas actually doesn’t mind, he says Samandriel’s pretty chill.”

“Samandriel?”

“His cousin. The one that works at the Weiner Hut.” Jo nodded, peering at the assortment of good-smelling candles on display. “But we promised to meet up later and give each other our gifts. I bet he’s going to have something awesome and I have nothing, literally nothing. Could I get him a book? He likes books.”

Jo rolled her eyes. “A book, seriously? You’re the one sleeping with him, shouldn’t you know?”

Dean tried to bite back his smile at her comment. She was right, he was sleeping with Castiel. They had done it loads of times since the night in the cabin, and each time was better then the last. Dean was partially aggravated he had waited this long to have sex. Sex was fun.

And, in truth, ever since the night of Thanksgiving, Dean had become hyper-aware of Castiel, of all the little details that made him…well, him. He had catalogued them, cherished them, shuffled through them in his head when he was alone or when he was bored with the people around him. He almost forgot how fucked up Castiel was, how he hid behind a cool bike and a confident smirk. Dean had forgotten that Castiel was fragile, broken; liable to wash away. It would be so easy for Dean to fuck this whole thing up, and he really didn’t want to. Cas was good at making things right, he had noticed this, but he didn’t want to push it too far. He didn’t want to find how broken it had to be before fixing it was impossible. Dean liked to look at him…mostly to make sure he was still there.

He stared up and down the isles, scanning the odds and ends, before his eyes rested on one of the coat racks. He walked towards it, touching the rough material, feeling the sleeve slip out of his hand. It was ghastly, old-fashioned, and completely pretentious. Cas would love it.

He pulled the coat off the hanger and presented it to Jo, who laughed into her hand and simply stated. “You know him better then I do.” before he put it on the counter and bought all 20$ worth of ugly, tan trenchcoat.

He wrapped it in newspaper, for lack of better supplies, and made the two of them dinner in his measly kitchen. Cas was a little late, but it was okay, because _Dr. Sexy MD_ was on and Dean couldn’t resist watching at least a few minutes of the latest episode.

The door opened with a bang and made Dean jump slightly. “I’m sorry I’m late, it started to snow and I was held up with helping Gabriel packing, I-“ Cas walked into the living room, his eyes wide. 

There was a stubby little tree in the corner, decorated with different Christmas-themed air fresheners, making the room smell like cookies and evergreens all at once. Dean had set up the dining room table with candles and hamburgers, Castiel’s favorite. He had turned the heat way up and was sitting on the couch in Castiel’s preferred hunter-green sweater. It was perfect.

Dean stood off the coach, walking over to brush the snow from his boyfriend’s shoulders. Cas took off his messenger bag and shed his jacket, glancing around the room with wide eyes. Dean leaned in to press a small kiss on his lips. “Merry Christmas, Cas.” 

“Dean, its wonderful…I’ve never…I’ve never had an actual Christmas before.” Dean handed him a glass of overly-spiked eggnog with a smile. 

“Me neither. But, hey, new tradition, right?”

Cas took a gulp and coughed, smiling through the alcohol. “You’re damn right. Should we eat?”

Dean nodded eagerly, stepping back to pull out Cas’ chair for him. They ate in content, talking lightly like they always did, trading horror stories of their previous holidays.

“…and she was so drunk she nearly set the entire house on fire, I swear. Now, my Aunt Naomi has to take down the curtains when Mother comes to cook…”

“…Mom tried to help Sam put the star on the tree, but she leaned too far and he knocked the whole thing over. Started bawling, he was maybe four, and my dad and I worked until two AM to put it all back in place, but, damn, it was worth it just to see the kid’s face the next day. Priceless…”

They finished dinner and washed dishes side by side, grinning together at the domestic routine they had unknowingly picked up. Then, once everything was clean, they sat on the couch, with _The Grinch Stole Christmas_ playing in the background and exchanged gifts.

They both sat, waiting for the other to start. Dean’s package was small and light, but he was intensely curious. Cas was securitizing the articles that made up the wrapping.

“Cas, who goes first?”

Cas looked up, his eyebrows raised. “I-I don’t know. You may, it is your home.” Dean shrugged and nodded slowly, slipping his finger under the wrapping and pulling it apart. It was a long, slender black box. He took off the lid.

Inside was an amulet on a leather cord. It was a double sided tribal face painted in gold. Dean stared at it nestled in the red cushioning. Cas began to speak.

“I was in this weird religious shop the other day buying incense and they had tags for each of the necklaces. They were representations of names, I guess.” He looked at the little necklace. “I thought you’d like it.”

Dean took it out of the box and slipped it around his neck, throwing Cas a wide smile. “I love it, Cas. It’s really beautiful. Is this the one for Dean?”

Cas reached out and ran his fingers over the small, intricate detailing. “No…actually, I didn’t like the one for Dean. This…this is the one for Sam.” He pulled back, looking at Dean with big blue eyes. Dean felt the weight of the necklace against his heart.

He leaned in, kissing Cas deeply, before pulling back, breathless. “Thank you, Castiel. It’s perfect.”

They sat in mutual silence before Castiel picked up his package, tearing off the wrapping without the grace Dean had used, pulling the coat out of the box and staring at it with total adoration.

“H-How did you know?” He looked over at Dean quizzically, his eyes brows drawn together.

Dean suddenly felt embarrassed. “Know what? I…saw it and thought you might like it…”

Cas pulled the coat close to his chest. “I used to have one just like this. I wore it everywhere…but my father tore my old one. I’ve been looking for a new coat, I can’t believe it. Where did you find this?”

Dean sat with his mouth open in shock. He closed it then opened it again, almost shrugging before finally stuttering out, “I just…kind of…found it. You know?”

Cas put the coat behind him and crawled over onto Dean’s lap, melding their lips together, grinding down on his erection. “Thank you, thank you, and thank you. I love you, Dean. It’s perfect.”

Dean pulled back, his breathing stuttered. “I-It’s just a jacket, baby.” Cas kissed him again, sliding his hands down his chest to tug at his zipper. 

“It’s incredible.” He mumbled against Dean’s lips, and Dean wasn’t sure that they were still talking about the coat. Cas slipped his hand into Dean’s pants and he stopped trying to figure out his enigmatic boyfriend in favor of heated kissing and slow, passionate movements.

For the first time in the apartment, Dean was spending a holiday with someone he loved.

****

“You know you could stay here for the holiday. We could order Chinese food and watch the HBO Christmas specials…” Dean trailed off, already knowing Castiel’s answer.

“As much as I love HBO and as much as I adore you, I really have to go. Gabriel and Samandriel are expecting me there, it would be rude of me not to show, don’t you think?” Cas tugged on his trenchcoat, turning around in the doorway to kiss Dean. “It’ll only be six days. Then, I’ll be back and we can spend New Years drunk at my lake house how does that sound?”

Dean grumbled but nodded, kissing Cas quiet and desperate, already missing the feel of his body underneath him. Cas smiled as he shut the door, and Dean went to stand by the window, watching as Cas pulled away on his bike, coat wrapped tightly around him. Dean sighed and moved to clean up the table.

He put music on and swayed around to the lyrics, miming guitar when his hands weren’t full of dishes or laundry. He cleaned the apartment, making the beds military-style, just like John taught him, and then settled down to watch whatever was on television. It was nearly eleven when the doorbell rang.

Dean got up, slipping on a shirt before unlocking the door. It swung open to reveal a fit, clean-cut man Dean almost didn’t recognize.

“D-Dad? What…” Dean stared at him. He was wearing a button down, slacks, and loafers. He had even combed his hair. His eyes looked more sober then Dean had seen since his mother’s death.

“Hello, son. May I come in?” John didn’t wait for an answer; instead he pushed past Dean into the living room, surveying the dopey Christmas tree and the books everywhere.

Dean shut the door and then turned to face John. He opened his mouth, closed it, and then opened it again. John put up a hand to stop him from speaking.

“Dean, I think you should sit down. There is something you need to know.” Dean just nodded numbly, used to following his father’s orders, and sat on the couch, still staring at his father, agape.

John sat on the coffee table across from him and crossed his arms. He looked vaguely uncomfortable, but Dean didn’t really care.

“Where have you been, Dad?” John winced, but Dean’s shock was ebbing away into cold, hard anger. 

John rubbed his chin just like Dean always did and sat up straighter. “I’ve been sitting out there in my Volvo for nearly two hours debating on whether I should come in or not.” His expression softened. “That pretty haired boy that left an hour ago…is that Castiel?”

Dean looked at him sharply. He didn’t like the way John said his boyfriend’s name. It didn’t roll off the other man’s tongue quite right. He held his father’s eyes then nodded, slowly.

“Dean, I’m sorry I haven’t been around so much. I got a call from an old friend and received some surprising news. I had to drop everything and…I stayed. I was just as shocked as you.”

Dean leaned back and ran a hand through his hair. “Where did you go? What was so important that you had to-“

John cut him off. “Do you remember when Bobby and I had that month long gig up in Scranton about eight years back?”

Dean shrugged, but he did remember. He had been turning eleven and John had left two days before his birthday. He stayed with Ellen and Jo and ate ice cream cake with plastic spoons. Jo had kissed him in their basement, his first kiss ever.

John sighed. “I met a woman in Scranton named Amy. She was a lot like your mother, in a good way. We ended up spending a lot of time together while I was there and it was her who called me.” John smiled. “I have a daughter. She’s seven, almost eight, and she has these big green eyes that-“

Dean clenched his fist. He didn’t want to hear anymore. “Stop.” John looked up, his face eager. Dean flexed his jaw. “What does this have to do with me? Why are you here?”

John’s face fell a little. “She’s your half sister, Dean, I thought you would want to meet her. You and I are going to up to Scranton for Christmas, so you can meet Amy and Rose, that’s her name, and I had to come back and pick you up.”

Dean looked at him in disbelief. “I’m not going anywhere with you. You left and now what? You want to come back? Drag me to Pennsylvania so I can meet your bastard child and then just fall back into my life like nothing ever changed?”

John shook his head. “Dean, I think you’re missing the point here. I have a child now. I’m going to live with Amy up in Scranton. I’m leaving Lawrence. But, she wants to meet you and I want you to see your sister. We leave tomorrow, nine AM. Pack a bag for three days, alright? I’ll see you in the morning.”

Dean stood up, his breath coming out fast, like he was in pain. “No. I refuse. This is my life and-“

“AND THIS IS MY HOUSE. YOU WILL DO AS I SAY.” John stood up, towering over Dean, his face menacing. Dean shrank back, more out of habit then out of fear. He stood silently as John glared at him then turned to his old room, slamming the door shut behind him.

Dean packed his bag and drank whiskey in the dark of his own room. It still smelled faintly like Castiel and Dean was tempted to dig out his phone and call, but he knew Cas needed to sleep. Jo had a date tonight, she didn’t betray many details to Dean, but he knew it was important so he stayed away. Instead of calling his friends, Dean pulled a crumpled pack of cigarettes from his drawer and smoked them on the balcony, staying up and watching the sunrise mix in with the smoke. John knocked on the glass a little before six and they left, Dean in the Impala, John in his new silver Volvo, driving three hours ahead of schedule, out towards Pennsylvania.

They drove all day and through the night, Dean following his father’s directions, turning down the right lanes and merging on the highways. He was used to the road, it was safe and homey, but part of him longed for someone in the passenger seat. It was times like this when he missed his little brother the most. The amulet weighed against his heart like steel.

They stopped at a motel and slept in separate rooms, continuing on to Scranton without many words being exchanged between them. John didn’t ask how Dean had been since they last saw each other, and Dean stayed soundless, staring at his eggs in the diner in silence. They made it to Amy’s house late Christmas Eve.

The house was bigger then Dean expected. It was two stories and had tan leather couches with cashmere blankets on them. The whole thing seemed soft and unrealistic, and Dean had never felt more out of place in his whole life.

Amy was small and thin, with curly brown hair and dimples on either side of her mouth. She kissed Dean’s cheek and gushed about the resemblance, but she also glared when Dean didn’t take his boots off at the front door. Rose had dark brown hair and green eyes. She shook Dean’s hand as if her mother was making her and then disappeared into the basement to play with her toys. Dean was shown his room and told to get some sleep. It all happened so fast, before he knew it he was sitting alone, in a too squishy bed in a foreign room listening as John and Amy went to sleep together.

Dean crept down the stairs to the kitchen. There was a crucifix hanging over the kitchen and Dean stared at it before dialing the familiar number on his phone and listening to the ringing tone.

“This is Castiel, I’m sorry I can’t get to the phone right now, please leave a message and I’ll get right back to you” _beeeeeep_

Dean sighed. “Hey baby, I miss you. You’ll never guess where I am right now. Call me, hope everything’s okay. Love you.” The tone clicked out right after Dean’s last word. He put his phone away with a sigh, staring at the LED lights over the stove. The clock read 10:47.

“Who was that?” Dean turned around. Rose was standing there, in her snowman pajamas and pigtails, looking at Dean with big green eyes that matched his own.

Dean sat heavily on the stool by the island. “That was my…boyfriend.”

She cocked her head. “But you’re a boy. Don’t you mean girlfriend?”

Dean grinned lightly. Her voice was high and sweet just like Amy’s. “No, I’m gay. His name is Castiel.”

“Oh!” Rose walked over and sat in the stool next to him. “That’s a weird name. He should have been named Michael or Luke instead. Those are normal.” Dean looked sideways at her. She looked right back at him.

“Yeah, he’s pretty strange. Can you believe he doesn’t like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?”

Rose’s eyes went wide. “He doesn’t like PB &J? What does his mommy pack him for lunch then?” She furrowed her brow as if that was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard.

Dean laughed and shrugged. She played with the hem of her shirt before looking up at him through her dark eyelashes. “Do you love him?”

He started, not expecting that. Dean swallowed hard. “Yeah, I do.”

She smiled with her teeth. “How long have you loved him? Can I see who he is?”

Dean dug into his pocket and pulled out his phone, unlocking it to show her a picture of the two of them together in their Halloween costumes. She grasped his cell in her little hands and scrutinized it before scrolling to the next one; them in front of the Roadhouse.

“I’ve loved him since the second I saw him.”

She looked through all the ones of them together, them laughing, them kissing, them drunk and red-faced. Rose smiled at one of Cas close-up, late at night, with smoke from a cigarette blurring his face a bit. Dean didn’t even remember taking them.

“He’s beautiful.” She whispered, almost reverent. “I didn’t know eyes could be that color.”

Dean sat quietly till she was done, and smiled when she handed back the phone. They sat in the dark for awhile, till Dean took her hand and tucked her into bed, kissing his half-sister’s forehead and shutting her door as quietly as possible.

He woke up to the door opening. Amy walked in, slowly in slipper-muffled feet, and leaned over his bed. He kept his eyes shut. John coughed from the doorway. “Maybe we should let him sleep…” Amy’s voice was high and breathy.

John grumbled. “No, he needs to come to church with us. I’ll get him up.”

“John…”

“Come on, Amy, you’re the one who wanted him here for Christmas. If he’s gonna stay in this house, he’s going to go to Mass.”

Amy’s soft hand shook his shoulder gently. “Dean? Dean, its Christmas.” Dean opened his eyes slowly, as if he had been asleep the whole time. John was gone from the doorway and Amy’s face hovered close to Deans. She wasn’t wearing any makeup.

“Oh…Merry Christmas.” Dean sat upright and Amy pulled back to sit on the bed. There was a stretch of uncomfortable silence.

“Well, Church is in half an hour and I left an outfit for you to wear over there. Come down for some waffles whenever you’re dressed.” She smiled at him, tight but sincere, and then left, gesturing to the small pile of folded clothes on the dresser.

Tan slacks, a soft red sweater and loafers. Dean stared at himself in the mirror in vague disgust. He looked like a country-club worker, not a rockstar. He sighed and went down to eat. They were all seated around the table, chatting lightly like a real family. Dean felt his stomach tighten. He didn’t fit in that picture, there was no space around the table clearly meant for less-than-four and it was so evident in the way Amy and John stretched themselves around Rose, as if Dean would break her if he sat too close. Dean grabbed a plate in silence and ate while leaning against the counter, watching from a distance. Nobody tried to invite him to the table, and if they had, he would have declined.

He kept his mouth shut all the way to church, sitting next to the window with Rose on the other side, John driving and Amy in the passenger seat. Rose talked aimlessly about cartoons and John listened with rapt attention he had never given Dean. Once, Dean caught John’s eye in the review mirror, and saw nothing but disappointment staring back at him. Dean kept his head down after that.

Mass was exactly how Dean thought it would be. He stood on the end, next to Rose, and held her hand when she reached for his own. Amy’s mouth went thin at Rose’s blatant affection, and she made sure to wake her up when she dozed off on Dean’s shoulder. He listened to the stories and the preaching, keeping his comments to himself while John nodded along, as born-again as a man could be.

They stayed after to talk to the other parishioners. John talked to the preacher and shook his hand; Amy stood beside him and smiled when she was talked to. Dean wandered aimlessly behind Rose, who introduced him to three other girls as ‘her big brother’ and told her friends that he was ‘dating an angel from Kansas’. Dean itched to call Cas, he would have loved Rose, but his phone was dead and he had left the charger back in Lawrence.

They were called back after awhile, and Dean resumed his quietness, observing John’s new life with silent fury. John read the newspaper softly while Rose opened presents; he greeted their elderly neighbors with warm hugs and graciously accepted their atrocious-looking fruitcake. He cooked dinner at Amy’s side, humming along to the Christmas music on the radio, and when dinner was finally ready, he held their hands and blessed the food. 

Dean ate his food quickly, relishing the delicious chicken and grilled vegetables, and listened as the family talked about Rose’s school, Amy’s work, and normal cookie-cutter things. Finally, Amy looked up with her warm brown eyes and stared right at Dean.

“So, Dean, tell me about yourself, please. I want to know everything!”

Dean looked up from the table cloth. Two pairs of eyes were watching him, while John looked lazily into the kitchen. He cleared his throat and let himself speak, listing off all the things he thought were impressive.

“Um…I’m team captain of my highschool’s football team, I’m considering a scholarship to Penn State next year.” He waited fro John to look surprised at that information, but his father had already checked out of the conversation. “I play in a band, I’m the lead guitarist, with some of my friends from school…there isn’t really much to know, I work at my friend Jo’s parent’s bar on my off days and sometimes I fix cars in the neighborhood salvage lot.”

Amy nodded, waiting for him to continue. Rose piped up, a big smile on his face. “And he’s dating an angel!”

Dean blushed and Amy chuckled, looking back at Dean. “An Angel, huh? What’s her name?”

Dean sat up a little straighter. “Actually, his name is Castiel. He’s was my lab partner, but we’ve been dating for almost five months.”

He could see the shift in Amy, although it was small. A vague look of disgust passed on her face, expertly replaced with fake cheeriness. She clutched her fork just a little bit tighter and offered him a tight “Oh, that’s lovely.” before shifting the conversation, turning to place a hand over his father’s.

“Well, we are so happy we could have you up for Christmas. John speaks very highly of his only son.” Dean clenched his teeth.

“His only son?” He watched his father’s eyes narrow.

Amy looked confused, her eyes flitting between the two of them. “Y-Yes?” She laughed timidly. “Unless he’s got another one hidden away somewhere, you’re all I know of.”

Dean leaned back in his seat, his breathing quickened. John glared at him. “So you haven’t told her about Sam, then, have you?” Amy raised her eyebrows. John didn’t move. “Oh, that’s fantastic. So now instead of drinking him away you’re just outright ignoring the fact that he ever existed? That’s…just…wonderful.”

Amy shook her head slowly. “Dean, you’re father has been sober for awhile now. He goes to AA, you’d be proud of him.”

Dean stood his palms flat on the table. Rose excused herself, sensing that there was something coming. “Proud of him? Good job, Father, but what are you going to do not that you don’t have beer cans to throw at my head?”

“Dean.” John’s tone was that of warning, but Dean couldn’t make himself stop. He couldn’t wash out the red fury from underneath his skin.

“I am not your only son, DAD. Just because he’s gone doesn’t mean we shouldn’t remember him! You selfish son of a bitch, he was our family. They were our family. You can’t RUN from the fact that they are dead!” 

Amy’s eyes were wide. John stood to match Dean’s height from across the table, his eyes small slits. “Dean, you watch yourself here. You are in my house now.”

“YOUR house? Am I in YOUR house? I wouldn’t know seeing as how you left me in that fucking apartment all alone and showed up months later demanding that I obey you, you’re not a man. You’re a waste.” Dean turned to Amy, his fists clenched. “You are a wonderful woman, Amy, and Rose is a great little girl, but I cannot stay here anymore. I’m leaving.” He turned and opened the door, slamming it behind him and running up the stairs to grab his bag.

Rose was sitting in his room, looking at him with a quizzical expression. “Why are you leaving?”

Dean pulled his things out and packed them, feeling his anger ebb away underneath her stare. “I have to, Rose. I can’t be here anymore.”

“Is it because you don’t like me?” Her voice was shaking. Dean stopped packing, looking up at her. She was twisting her dress in her hands, standing by the doorway as if she could flee at any moment.

He grabbed a sheet of paper and a pen, scribbling something down before going to her, getting down in front of her, and smiling. “No, Rose, you’re a wonderful little sister, and you’re mommy’s wonderful too, I just can’t be here with John.” He handed her the piece of paper. “Here’s my cell number. You call me anytime and we can talk. You can even speak to Castiel if you want, I’m sure he would love you.” He kissed her forehead and she hugged him tight. “Be good, okay?”

He pulled back and stood, slinging his bag carefully over his shoulder. She looked up at him and nodded. “Okay, Dean. Goodbye now.”

He ruffled her curly hair. “Goodbye, Rose.” He walked away, down the stairs and out the front door, without looking back.

John was there, leaning against the Impala, his hands in his pockets. The sky was dark and the homes across the street were lit up with all kinds of colorful Christmas lights. Dean walked towards him slowly, and then stopped, waiting for him to move out of the way.

“Dad, I’m leaving.”

John just looked at him, his face hard. He stepped away from the car and Dean moved foreword, opening the door but not getting inside. “Dean, I’m trying to make a life here with them. I can’t have things of the past weighing me down when I’ve got something this good to look forward to. You have no right to come in here and try and-“

“DAD.” Dean tried to get himself to calm down. “I don’t want to fuck up your life, I really don’t.”

He glared at Dean. “I was nice enough to invite you here to stay with us, to meet your half-sister and you messed the whole thing up. I don’t know if you’re jealous or angry or whatever, but I finally have the life I want and you are not going to take that from me”

Dean fumed. “I am not jealous of your life. I have a good thing going back in Lawrence, I’ve got a football scholarship, I’m a rockstar there and I’ve even got the beautiful boy to prove it.” Dean laughed. “I don’t care that you get the house, and the wife, and the pretty daughter, I don’t care. This is boring. This is suburban, apple-pie bullshit, and you’re just some lame old dad.”

John shook his head. “And why does that make you so mad?”

Dean whirled around, clutching the Impala with both hands. “Because if you were going to be some lame suburban dad, why couldn’t you have been that for me?”

John stepped back. Dean felt his eyes fill up. “I needed you. After mom and Sam died, I needed my family, and you were too busy drinking yourself to death to notice that I was losing my mind. And now you’ve got this and…you never gave me that. You never did anything for me; you are just a selfish old man and I…I have to go.” 

Dean stepped into the Impala, half waiting for John to stop him. He stepped on the gas and drove out of the driveway, turning down the street without looking to see if his father was still waiting there.

He drove for awhile, till the rays of sunlight started to burst over the horizon and he had to stop for gas. He stopped in at an old motel and crashed onto the bed, collapsing into sobs he had been holding back in favor of Led Zeppelin turned all the way up. He showered in the cramped cubicle and then hit the road again, not even stopping for coffee till he was passing the sing that read “Welcome to Lawrence, Kansas.” It almost felt like home.

He stumbled into his apartment just as it was getting dark. He had driven so long he could barely feel his arms, and when he lay down on the bed it was nearly impossible to get back up to plug his phone in. Dean shut his eyes and turned his face against the pillow. It still smelled faintly of that clean, warm Cas-like smell that he had grown so used to. He slipped into unconsciousness and silently thanked whatever God was out there that he had something so amazing to look forward to.

Dean woke up the next morning and rolled over to check his phone. He had a few texts from Charlie, Jo and the rest of them, just asking where he was and wishing him a Merry Christmas. There was a missed call from Ellen and even an Email from Benny wishing him happy holidays. There was nothing from John.

Dean opened up his voicemail and there were three from Castiel. He hit the play button and shut his eyes, listening as the gravelly voice emanated from the speakers.

“Hey, Dean. Just returning your call, sorry, Samandriel, Gabriel and I went out and I left my phone at home. I have no idea where you are, so I’m looking forward to finding that out. Call me when you get this. I love you…”

The message clicked out and the second one started.

“D-Dean, baby…I miss…you. Did you know…that G-Gabriel can make the best Screwdriver on t-this side of the world? I…I’m so drunk right now. I love you so much, Dean. I wish y-you were here right now so I could fu-“The message cut out. Dean smiled to himself and let the warmth wash over him. The third one played.

“Merry Christmas, Dean. I don’t know why you’re phone is off, but I’m assuming you’ll tell me. Gabriel, Samandriel and I got incredibly drunk last night so please excuse any messages and/or calls you got. I hope you’re having a good holiday, oh, and I’ll be coming home tomorrow instead of Tuesday. I have some really big news to tell you. So, if you’re in Kansas then, give me a call. I have to go open presents but Merry Christmas again.” 

Dean sat up in his bed. Today was Monday. Cas got back tonight instead of tomorrow. Dean jumped out of the bed and showered quickly before changing into Cas’ favorite sweater and scooping his phone off the bed, already on his way out the door.

It rang twice before Castiel picked up.

“Dean! Where have you been?”

“Hey, baby, long story. I’ll tell you it tonight, are you on the road now?”

Cas laughed lightly, and Dean heard music in the background. “Yeah, Gabriel and I are coming back now; we are about four hours out of Lawrence though. I can drop Gabriel off and then take my bike over?”

Dean leaned his head back against the Impala’s leather interior. “Sounds perfect to me. I can’t wait to see you.”

Cas sighed. “Me neither. I have to go, I’m on the road now, but I’ll see you soon, okay?”

Dean agreed and they said their goodbyes. He started up the Impala and drove to the store, grabbing two pies and a bottle of wine with his fake ID before driving back to the apartment to take down his decorations. He was almost finished when his phone rang again. It was a number Dean didn’t recognize.

“Hello? Is this Dean Winchester?”

Dean put down the box. It was a man with a clipped tone, a lot like Castiel in his speaking pattern. “Yes it is. May I ask who is speaking?”

“My name is Jimmy Collins, I am the head of California Records,” Dean stopped, his eyes growing wide. Cali Records was famous for producing music; Dean had looked at their website instead of porn more then a few times. Jimmy continued. “We got an Email from a Joanna Harvelle about your talent as lead guitarist of your local band and your interest in music production. Normally, we don’t do this, but I saw the videos from your concerts and I must saw, you have talent.”

Dean sat down heavily on his couch. “T-Thank you.”

“I was wondering if you would be interested in a scholarship in our college prep course at the American River College in California. You would attend that college and still have a paid internship at our building down-town. It’s a great school, and the majority of your tuition and expenses would coincide with the scholarship.”

Dean felt his entire breath rush out of him, like he had been kicked in the chest. “I live in Kansas.” was all he could think to say.

“Yes, I understand moving might be an issue, but it would be after you graduate from high school. Listen, son, if you want to be a music producer, this is the deal to take. I promise.” Dean swallowed hard. 

“C-Can I think about it?” Dean cursed the way it sounded.

Jimmy Collins spoke kindly. “Of course, I know this would be a big change and I heard about your opportunity at Penn State, so, please, take all the time you need. We have to finalize the paperwork by July 22nd, so that gives you quite some time to decide. I have your number and you have mine, call me if you have any questions. Have a nice day, Dean, and I look forward to possibly working with you in the future.”

“You too, Mr. Collins, I feel the same. Goodbye.” The line clicked dead but Dean continued to hold the phone to his ear, listening to the empty space.

He stood slowly, slipping on his leather jacket and walking down to the Impala, barely registering the subzero December chill. He drove to the Roadhouse without turning on the radio and pulled into the parking lot, jumping out of the car and moving quickly into the bar.

He was greeted with a rush of warm air coming from inside. Bobby was behind the bar and Ellen was sweeping between the tables with their chairs overturned. She stood when she saw him come in. Bobby waved.

Ellen put the broom down. “Boy, where the hell you been? We were worried sick, I thought-“

“W-Where’s Jo?” Dean felt his eyes sting with oncoming tears. Ellen looked surprised and turned to yell over her shoulder.

“Jo get ‘yer ass out here right now.” Bobby moved out from behind the bar, hovering close to Dean as the tears slipped down his face.

Jo walked out in jeans and a plaid shirt, her hair rumpled. “Jesus, mom, what the hell is going on?” She stopped when she saw Dean. “Dean, what’s wrong? What happened?”

Dean walked forward, wrapping his arms around her shoulder crying into her neck and squeezing. “Thank you, oh my God, thank you so much. I love you.” She stiffened before wrapping her arms around him.

“Jimmy Collins called you, didn’t he?” Dean pulled back, nodding, smiling through the tears that were running down his face. Ellen gasped, and Bobby chuckled, both in on the plan.

“I got the scholarship, if I want it, he said. They want me to be there in California, to produce music.” His voice wavered and he laughed, happily, as if yesterday just hadn’t happened. Bobby came over and hugged him and Ellen pinched his cheek, all while he grasped Jo’s hand and murmured “Thank you so much.” whenever he could.

He stayed at the Roadhouse for another hour, marveling in his new opportunities, till Castiel called and he departed, kissing Ellen and Jo on the cheek and thanking the Harvelle family one more time before getting in his car and driving back to his apartment, turning the radio up all the way, letting the music play.

_…she asked me son when I grow old, will you buy me a House of Gold…and when your father turns to stone…will you take care of me…_

Dean tapped his fingers on the steering wheel, smiling to himself, singing quietly along with the lyrics, plans forming in his brain.

_…I will make you queen of everything you see…I’ll put you on the maps…I’ll cure you of disease…_

Dean stopped suddenly, pulling over onto the side of the road. He had been imagining a small studio apartment with Castiel, maybe a cat if Cas was lucky but…

_…the day we up and left this town...and turned our futures upside down…we’ll make pretend that you and me lived ever after happily…_

Castiel was in Kansas, not California. He was here not there. It wouldn’t be fair for Dean to ask him to leave, especially since Cas was looking at colleges all over the 50 states.

_…and when you’re father turns to stone…will you take care of me…_

Dean was going to have to leave Castiel behind.

****  
Castiel pulled up on his bike in front of Dean’s apartment. They Impala was to his right and he ran his hands lightly over the shiny black car before running up the stairs. He had missed Dean so much.

They door opened and Cas waited with a wide grin on his face. Dean stood there with this dopey look that make Cas’ heart race and his vision narrowed in, like Dean was the only thing that mattered, because, in truth, he was.

Dean pulled Cas’ hand and led him into the apartment, sitting him down at the kitchen table and grabbing two plates of spaghetti from the counter.

“Dinner too? You spoil me, Dean Winchester.” He grinned and Dean leaned down to kiss him, slowly at first but then deeper, till they were full-on making out over the plate of saucy noodles.

Dean pulled back abruptly, laughing lightly and ruffling Castiel’s hair. He sat down across from him and gestured to his plate. “Eat, Cas, or it’ll get cold.”

Cas obliged, stuffing the warm pasta into his mouth under Dean’s steady green stare. He felt the eyes on him, but he took his time chewing and swallowing before he spoke. 

“So, tell me about your holiday.”

Seventy-three minutes, one enraged blue-eyed boyfriend, and a whole lot of I’m-sorry-your-father-is-a-bastard sex later, Dean and Cas were wrapped up under the sheets, Cas’ head on Dean’s chest, both men’s breathing even and shallow, not quite sleeping but not quite there.

“Cas?” Dean whispered from above his head and Castiel shifted to look up at him. He was looking at the ceiling, his eyes narrowed.

“Yes, Dean?”

Dean sighed and swallowed hard. “I got a scholarship.”

“I know you did, Dean. I was actually there when you got.” Cas smiled, laughing lightly. Dean kind of grimaced.

“No, another one. A different one…it’s in music production.”

Cas sat up. “Dean, that’s incredible! You’re taking it, right? You have to take it.” Dean’s lips quirked up in a small, sad smile and he got on his elbows, looking into Cas’ eyes, green against blue.

“Cas, it’s in California.”

Cas stopped, blinking a few times, his mind blank. “Oh.” It was just a small, monotone sound that came from low in his throat.

Dean couldn’t meet his eyes anymore. “W-We’ve only been dating a few months but, I don’t know, I see you in my future and…and I don’t want to go if you feel the same way.”

Cas breathed out through his mouth, his chest warm despite the freezing December night.

“Dean. Did you listen to my voicemails?”

Dean tilted his head, his expression vaguely confused. “Yeah I did, but what does that have to do with anything?”

Cas leaned back, a small smile playing on his lips. “I said I had big important news to share with you.” Dean’s frown deepened.

“Sorry, baby, did I forget to ask…?”

Cas laughed. “No, no, not at all…Dean, do you know what my dream college is?”

Dean thought for a second. “Stanford, I think? You named three but that’s the one I-“

“I got in.” Cas beamed, and Dean’s expression cleared instantly, his eyes lit up and he gripped Castiel tight, pulling him close to his chest.

“You got in! To Stanford? Cas, that’s fantastic! You’re gonna be the best fuckin’ therapist the world has ever known; I am so god damn proud of you.” When he leaned back he looked happy.

“You get what this means, right?” Cas tilted his head. “Do you?”

Dean gave him a blank stare and a happy smile.

“Do you know where Stanford is, Dean?” Dean raised his eyebrows and shook his head slowly.

“Dean.”

“What?”

“It’s in California.”

_“Tell me about your happiest memory, Castiel.”_

_“Why would I do that, Doc?”_

_The doctor nearly rolled her eyes. Cas smiled, his teeth shiny and white. “Because I would like to know. Impress me.”_

_Impress her? Castiel had no impressive memories. The cheerful ones were flickering glimpses, quick bursts of light in an otherwise dark and dank past. They were mostly blue and white; spotty like decomposing 16mm film. Cas coughed and tried to generate some form of memory that he could deem ‘happy’._

_“One time Gabriel and I snuck into a casino on a family vacation…” He told the story but it lacked the luster of happiness, the excitement that should have been there was missing. He left out the fact that it was to escape his father’s drunken hand and that Castiel had been so high he could barely walk._

_“Tell me another.”_

_Cas frowned. “Can I tell something that isn’t really a memory?”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_“Well, it’s still happening. But it is happy, I promise.”_

_“Sure, whatever you think is best.”_

_Cas leaned back and shut his eyes. “If I had to say it, my happiest memories are the sun-streaked days with Dean by my side. His lips are red, eyes are green, and his jacket smells like motor oil and the back of his car. He doesn’t mind it if I wear short sleeves or long sleeves or any clothes at all.” His therapist titters at that. Cas smiles. “He’s good, Doc. A bit of sugar in the salt shaker, you know?”_

_Cas leaned forward, resting his chin on his hand. “And even though I’ll love him for as long as he let’s me, I know what will happen. I’m no fool, I know how things like this go and I’m prepared to face the consequences.”_

_His doctor made a move to interrupt, but Cas shook his head. “No. I’m sorry, Doc, that was stupid. If you’re going to make me choose, then I say my happiest memories have no place in the past. They are the ones I have yet to create.”_

_His doctor put down her pen, her eyes sad and one piece of her hair falling in front of her face, contrasting with her pale ivory skin._

_“You know what I think, Castiel?”_

_Cas looked up. “What?”_

_She smiled, small but sincere. “I think you have a beautiful soul…but you’ll be forgotten if you don’t find someone to share it with.”_

_Castiel shut his eyes, the room disappearing around him. He pictured Dean laughing, his whole body thrown back, and felt nothing but love in his heart._

_“You couldn’t be more right.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> House of Gold - 21 Pilots


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, 1000 hits thank you all so much, every comment/kudo makes my day (hint hint) sorry to leave you hanging on this chapter but dont worry it ends happy. Warning: the honeymoon period is almost over. Probably one more chapter till the climax. Stay tuned :)

Castiel shut the screen door leading out to the balcony carefully. Dean was still asleep, curled up in bed with his hair mussed and skin soft. Castiel had been reluctant to even leave the bed, but his phone pierced the tranquility enough times that he shuffled to get it, grumbling, but answering.

“Hello?”

“Cas? Cas! It’s Charlie, how was Samandriel’s?”

Castiel smiled absently into the phone at Charlie’s bright tone. He sat down heavily on one of the plastic lawnchairs and looked out over Lawrence.

“It was good, not much to be said about it really. There was booze, like always, and Gabriel actually drank with us this year….” The pair chatted for a few minutes, talking in mutual comfort about anything they deemed important. After a few minutes, it hit a lull and Charlie burst out.

“Cas, I have a plan. A good one, too.”

Cas sat up straighter, peering back into the apartment to make sure Dean wasn’t awake. He tugged the trenchcoat tighter around his body and pressed the phone closer to his ear.

“Charlie, I don’t want you to get involved with this.”

“Cas, I already am involved, get over it. Now, do you want to hear my plan or not?”

Cas leaned back, shutting his eyes carefully. “Yes. Yes I do.”

****

Dean woke up with a loud yawn. Cas had left about an hour ago, and Dean had just gone back to bed. It was snowing outside. He pulled himself out from underneath the warm covers and stretched, moaning as he did so. His feet felt like ice against the floor as he paced through the apartment. There was a note taped to a takeout box on his table.

_Sorry about the snow, I know how much you love when it rains. I got you a bagel from Johnny’s place, just the way you like it. I’ll call you later. Love always, Castiel._

Dean ran his hands over the loopy writing, complete with a full cursive signature. It was so Cas-like, an elegant calligraphy autograph on a stupid have-a-good-day note. Dean smiled despite himself, pulling the takeout box closer to him and digging in.

He showered and shaved, taking his time underneath the soapy water, letting it fill his tired bones with warmth. He pulled on a sweater and jeans without really looking at them. Dean tramped around the small apartment, tapping the broken heating thermostat and promising himself he would celebrate the New Year with a new place. Somewhere with heat and a bigger bed, a place made for a couple. The New Year began in two days. He had time.

Stir-crazy and fiercely bored, Dean decided to make a trip he had been consciously putting off ever since John left. He wrapped a poppy red scarf around his neck and slipped on his leather jacket, grabbing a grey beanie from the table by the door and slipping that on also. He squinted at the harsh glare from the snow and sighed. He went back in and pulled his black-framed glasses on, returning to find the world just a bit clearer.

He drove slowly, something that wasn’t quite dread building up in his stomach. The flower shop loomed just on the edge of town, four blocks away from his destination. He muttered as he stepped out of the Impala. The bouquets would die soon anyways, it was pointless to spend money on something that wasn’t going to last. His head agreed but his feet kept walking.

Dean was almost to the shop’s door when he nearly fell to the ground, had he not caught himself just in time. He straightened and looked dead in the face of Crowley; that skeeze ball who dealt to Cas all those months back.

“Dean Winchester, as I live and breathe.” His voice was clipped with an accent that would have made him intimidating had it not been for his fiercely yellow snow coat. Dean scrunched up his nose.

Meg stood behind Crowley, twirling her brown hair between her fingers, looking at Dean with a strange expression that he could only place as envy. She didn’t smile or speak; only stared unabashedly. Dean didn’t like her very much.

“Hello, Crowley. Hello, Meg.” Dean kept his response brief, nodding in their direction. He tried to walk past them to get to the shop, but Crowley leered up at him.

“Listen, Dean, I was just wondering the other day, how are you and my dear Castiel doing? Still living lavida loca?” Meg stiffened and looked at her feet, Crowley sneered like he had just told a joke.

“What’s it to you, Crowley?” Dean was getting annoyed, something that didn’t happen much.

“Humor me, Winchester.” He grinned again. “Oh, and here, darling, you dropped this.” He handed Dean his phone. Dean took it and scowled.

He shivered at the frigid air. The shop was so close, yet so far away. “Cas and I are peachy, now can I go? I have business to attend to.” He made a point not to look at the pair.

Crowley stepped out of his way and Meg followed, forcing a tight smile in Dean’s direction. It wasn’t returned. Crowley nearly giggled as Dean walked past. “Oh, do me a favor. Tell loverboy that I say that I absolutely adore his bike. What a…irreplaceable thing that motorcycle is.” And just like that, the two of them walked on down the road, cynical and creepy as ever.

Dean rolled his eyes and pushed the shop door open. The familiar bell jingled over his head and he was met with a strong blast of floral scent and warm air. He smiled as he looked around, taking in all the different colors and arrangements. He rang the bell at the counter, scaring the woman behind it. She turned and offered him a huge smile and, after a slight hesitation, a hug.

“Dean, Dean, Dean, I thought you’d forgotten about us, darlin’” Dean laughed, rubbing his chin absentmindedly.

“Now, Missouri, how could I do that?” The old black woman smiled, her rhinestone brooch glittered in the florescent light.

“You got time for lunch today, honey? I assume we got some serious catching up to do.” 

Dean shook his head. “I’d love to, but I just gotta drop these off and go pick up my boyfriend at his house.”

Missouri beamed. “A boyfriend? Tell me about this boyfriend!” Dean smiled, he loved when people asked about Cas, it gave him an incentive to gush.

“We’ve been dating for a few months, almost six, actually. His name is Castiel. He’s got…dark hair…blue eyes…he wears a trenchcoat.” Missouri nodded, as if that was all the explanation she needed to approve of him.

“Well, listen, hun, I won’t keep you long, but we have to get together soon,” Dean nodded, pulling out his wallet. “Oh, don’t you try that with me. Winchesters don’t pay here, you know that. I assume it’s the standing order?”

Dean hesitated before shoving his wallet back down in his pocket. “Yeah, just the two bouquets, please.” He took them from her and smiled. “Thanks, Missouri, I’ll be sure to bring Cas next time.”

He turned to leave. “Hey, Dean, wait up a second.” Dean turned; his hands full of sweet red roses. Missouri gave him a steady look. “You know why I love you so much right?”

Dean shrugged. “I like to think it’s because of my perky nipples.”

The old woman rolled her eyes. “Don’t be fresh, boy. I knew your mother when she was in highschool. John used to buy her flowers and have her pick them out. They were a gorgeous couple.” She blinked at him, her face soft. “Your momma would’ve been real proud of the man you became, Dean. She was an amazing woman.”

Dean swallowed hard, nodding, blinking back the tears that threatened to spill under his glasses. “T-Thank you, Missouri. I’ll…see you soon.” She nodded slowly, letting him walk out the door into the crisp December air.

He slipped into the Impala, running his hands over his face to try and calm down, the flowers in the passenger seat. Dean had nearly always done this with his father, and, when he couldn’t, he at least got his dad to drive him. This was the first time he was truly alone. He debated calling Castiel but hesitated, both wanting him there and hoping that he never partook on this particular adventure. After a moment of debate, Dean sighed loudly and put the Impala into drive, speeding away all four blocks down to the cemetery where his family was buried.

The snow crunched under his feet as he walked to the two small headstones sitting side by side, with a small stone angel weeping over them. Dean had chosen it. At the time, it had been sad but now it almost seemed symbolic, in a haunting way.

He read, for the thousandth time, the small inscription on the two rocks, his tears freezing on his face.

_Here lies Mary Winchester, beloved mother, daughter, and friend._

And the other one read:

_Here lies Sam Winchester, taken from us too soon._

Carved into the stone granite was a four word quote that still made Dean shiver when he saw it, just like he had the day of the funeral. He crouched in the snow and ran a hand over the letters.

_Gone but never forgotten._

Dean sat there for awhile, talking to his mom and his baby brother about the world, describing the new TV shows and movies, music and games that they never had the chance to know themselves. He talked about Jo and Rose, about the scholarships and his band, anything that came to mind.

After awhile, he began to talk about Castiel. And when he started to speak about it…he started to remember.

_It rained the day of the funeral. John had told Dean to bring an umbrella, but Dean had forgotten, to shocked and sad to even remember how to tie a tie let alone bring an umbrella._

_He had stood by his dad during the burial, as it continued to pour and he looked up at the preacher who was speaking- a weathered man who looked too mean for his own good. Dean cast his eyes over the small crowd of people, landing on a small boy about his age in the front row. He had stunning blue eyes._

_Dean shut his own, not letting himself cry because John wasn’t crying and how could Dean disappoint him like that?_

_He opened them again. The little boy was looking right at him, a quizzical expression on his face. His blue eyes were squinty and sad, but they didn’t hold the pathetic sympathy that everyone else seemed to possess. Dean looked at him, and the boy looked back, his dark hair dry underneath his black umbrella. Dean held up his hand in a wave. After a moment, the boy’s face softened and he waved back, his fingers curling and uncurling with a small smile._

_After the service, Dean was shaking from the cold. He was sopping wet and freezing, but he refused anyone’s umbrella. He had forgotten to bring one. It was his own fault._

_Someone tapped his shoulder and he turned, eyes finding a pair of aquatic eyes a few inches away from his own. His mouth couldn’t form coherent sentences, his eight-year-old brain stuttering over itself, trying to sort out the grief and the pain without self destructing. The boy didn’t speak either._

_They stood like that for a moment till Dean realized he wasn’t cold anymore. He looked up and saw that he was under the other boy’s umbrella. The boy grinned and extended his hand._

_“Here, take it. I’m assuming you hate the rain.”_

_Dean wrapped his little hands around the plastic base. Water began to drip down onto the other boy’s face, but he made no move to take back his umbrella. He just continued to stare at Dean._

_“T-Thank you. But…I love the rain.”_

_Dean watched as a drop of rain ran in rivulets across the boy’s forehead. He still didn’t seem to mind. In fact, he turned his head up to the cloudy grey sky and smiled; his blue eyes big and sparkly._

_He looked back at Dean. “You like the rain?” Dean nodded. The other boy shrugged. “Me too.”_

Dean sat back on his heels, looking at the fluffy white powder that was dusted over the stone angel’s face. Castiel had been there, the first person to be nice to him after his family’s death. Dean hadn’t even remembered till now. He smiled and ran a hand over the stone. The angels were watching over his mother and brother, he could see that now.

He stood and turned to leave, casting a glance backwards before continuing on; back to the Impala. He turned the radio on and sat in the heated car, listening to the first song he heard. It was a good one.

_…I had to find you...tell you I need you…tell you I’ve set you apart…Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions…Oh, let's go back to the start…Running in circles, coming up tails…Heads on a science apart…_

The guitar filled the caverns of Dean’s ears and bounced around his brain, leaking into every crevice and notch that it could find, consuming him.  
 _…Nobody said it was easy…It's such a shame for us to part…Nobody said it was easy…No one ever said it would be this hard…Oh, take me back to the start…I was just guessing at numbers and figures…Pulling the puzzles apart…Questions of science, science and progress…Do not speak as loud as my heart…_

Dean smiled despite himself and turned the car on, driving in the direction that had become so familiar to him: the way to Castiel.  
He pressed his foot down on the petal to get him there faster because he had found this here, all by himself. He had found his own way home.

****

Castiel left Dean’s apartment, his boyfriend still sleepy and content. He had errands to run before his party on New Years. There was booze to pick up and cups and such, but most important of all; he and Charlie were ending things. Finally.

Cas did everything he had to do in record time, pulling up on his bike in front of Charlie’s tasteful brick house a half hour early. She was ready anyways, her bright red hair in a French braid, dressed in dark colors like a ninja. She smiled as she got onto the back of Cas’ bike.

“Its okay, Castiel. We’re gonna fix this, alright?” Cas gave her a tight smile in return, nodding slowly and accelerating down the street, towards unfamiliar territory.

Crowley lived in a large house in a cold-a-sac called Juliet Drive. His house was sallow and the door was blood red, even more menacing in the bright white snow. Charlie made a move to get off the motorcycle but Cas stopped her.

“I’m going to go in. You stay here, and wait for me or drive around till I call you.” She began to protest but Cas gave her a pleading look. “Please, Charlie, I’m glad you’re here but I need to fix this alone.”

She gave him a small, sympathetic grin and nodded. “Okay, Cas, but you remember what you’re going to say.” Cas nodded slowly. “Go get ‘em, tiger.”

He walked up to the door and knocked against the cold red wood. He heard movement behind it, and waited a few seconds before it was opened. Meg stood there, in leather shorts and a black v-neck, her eyes wide and surprised.

“Castiel! What are you doing here?” Her eyes narrowed as she saw Charlie behind him, leaning nonchalantly against his bike.

“I’m here to talk to Crowley. Can I come in?” Meg paused for a moment before grabbing his arm and dragging him through the house. It was dank and dark and smelled vaguely like something was burning. There were people everywhere, on the floor, random chairs, people who Cas recognized from his druggie days and some he did not. Barely any of them noticed when Meg pulled him into a back room and shut the door.

It was her bedroom, Cas could tell, but it didn’t seem to match her or the house very well. The walls were soft grey and the carpet was white. Pictures hung on the wall and her bed was made. She looked out of place with her smudged makeup and badly dyed blonde hair.

“Are you mad, Castiel? Bringing that bike here? Coming here yourself? Are you looking to fuck things up?” Her teeth were bared, almost angrily, but Cas took no notice of that. He had a job to do.

“Let me see him, Meg.”

“No. You don’t understand what you’re doing, Cas. Why can’t you just let this happen the way that it is meant to?”

Cas paused, his eyes on Meg. She was sober, he realized, and there was no cruelty in her expression. Had they been under different circumstances, Castiel would have found her to be pretty, quite beautiful, actually. But there was no room for feelings like that. He had too much for Dean already.

“You accused me, in the beginning, of liking him.”

“I remember, and you convinced me I was wrong.”

He looked down at her. “You were wrong.” She frowned, her lips red. “You were wrong then, but not now.” She stepped back, her eyes finding the floor. “I love him, Meg. And I need to fix this. Please, I know you’re a good person, just help me get out of this.”

She opened the door and leaned against the wall beside it, her head still bowed in defeat. “He’s the first door on the left.” She looked up, her eyes trailing down over Cas’ face with an emotion Cas couldn’t decipher. “I’m not here to help you, Castiel. You do this, you either get out of it or you don’t. No matter what, though, you leave me alone.”

Cas nodded and moved to step past her. He stopped at her side, looking at her sideways. Her eyeliner was winged and dark, her lips painted with a bright gloss. He swallowed. “Meg, we used to be friends. We grew up together, do you remember that?”

She continued to look at the wall. “I remember. We played ‘House’ in my front yard during the summer. I was the wife who babysat the dolls and you were the pizzaman husband.” She hesitated, grinning slightly. “You were my first kiss, the night of our eighth-grade graduation.”

Cas smiled despite himself. They had been neighborhood friends, school-time crushes, but when Meg’s parents left, she changed. She was sad, emotional, difficult to handle, and Cas was just discovering other people, new things, all the wonders of highschool. He stopped talking to her, more out of boredom then out of distaste, but she turned to Crowley and he turned to drugs and they rarely spoke of growing up together. He could see it in her when they did speak. She had never forgiven him for forgetting her.

“What happened to us?” He whispered, halfway out the door.

Meg shrugged noncommittally. “We grew up.” Cas waited for her to say more, but she didn’t, instead she just continued to look at the wall, her eyes focused on something that Castiel couldn’t see. He nodded slowly, his lips tight, and walked down the hallway, leaving her behind once again.

The door didn’t stand out. It had no letters on it, no cracks in the black paint, nothing that would make it seem important, but Castiel still was frozen to the spot, staring at it for what seems like hours. It’s completely effortless and the hardest things he’d ever done when he twisted the knob and pushed it open in one swift motion.

It smelled of sex. There was a hint of pot and something foul in the air, but Cas breathed it in anyway. He remembered that smell, he used to reek of it himself. His nose had grown tired of being repulsed by it. 

Castiel swallowed hard and looked around him, taking in the dark red walls and black leather furniture. Crowley was on a couch in the corner, awake and watching the door with beady eyes. There were two girls in the bed, naked, asleep or unconscious, Castiel didn’t know.

“Castiel. Always a pleasure.” Crowley leered at him from the corner, as if he had been expecting this the whole time. He looked like the Cheshire in the darkened room, the windows covered with heavy black drapes. Cas narrowed his eyes, willing his heart to slow down in his chest.

“Hello, Crowley.” Cas stepped into the room. The temperature seemed to almost drop ten degrees. He continued to walk in. “I am here to discuss a business transaction.” Crowley just stared at him. Cas focused his mind on what Charlie had told him, trying to remember all the small details.

“I’m listening.” Crowley looked bored.

“This is how it will go. You call off the bet. You don’t tell Winchester anything that I promised you, and we cut ties with each other. You don’t get the bike, the jacket, or Dean and I walk away a free man.” Crowley’s eyebrows were raised; his fingers curled around a Scotch glass- half full with amber liquid. 

“And why the bloody hell would I do that? Do you take me for a fool?”

Castiel stood up straighter. “No. You’ll do it because if you refuse, I will tear your operation to the ground. All the drugs you produce, all the people you deal to, everything. I know it all. Don’t you remember, Crowley? I used to be your number one buyer.” Cas crossed the room, leaning over the leather couch, staring into Crowley’s dark eyes without flinching. “If you breathe a word of this to anyone, especially Dean, I will ruin you. How does life in prison sound to you?”

Crowley smiled as Cas pulled back. He stepped away and the other man sipped his drink. “You’re blackmailing me.” It wasn’t a question, more or less a statement. Cas didn’t move. “Well, I didn’t think you had the balls, Castiel.” 

Cas held his ground, watching the other man finish off his alcohol. Crowley sat there, stretching out the silence till the air grew thin. He looked around the room till his eyes found Castiel again.

“So, you love him, then?”

Cas sucked in a breath. He couldn’t find his voice to answer, so he simply nodded. Crowley’s eyes went cold.

“You shouldn’t have made this deal in the first place, Castiel. I know you’re no angel but even this was cold blooded.” He looked up from the couch. “Get out of my house.”

Cas stuttered. “B-But, no, I-“

“Castiel.” Crowley repeated. “I have heard what you’ve had to say, and I know what needs to be done. It’s crystal clear, I promise. Now. Get out.” Cas stumbled backwards, his hands finding the wall. He nodded once and then again.

He walked through the house, running his hand over the objects. He stopped at Meg’s room, but the door was shut and he heard the squeak of bedsprings emanating from the crack below the door, so he continued past. The fresh air was much welcomed into his lungs when he shut the crimson door behind him. Charlie was waiting on the motorcycle, perched near the edge of the seat, her eyes wide.

“Well?” She asked when he made it to the bike. “Is it over?”

Castiel looked up, his eyes nearly translucent. “I said everything I could. Now…” He turned back to look at the house for a moment, his eyes sweeping over the windows, somewhere in there Crowley was waiting, like a wolf in the trees. “We wait.”

*****

“Dean?” Cas stepped into the dark apartment. He had opened the door with the spare key hidden under the mat, like always, but usually the lights were on. “Dean?” He called, and he heard a muffled groan in reply.

He dropped his bag on the coach, ditching his jacket alongside it, and turned on the living room light. Dean wasn’t in the living room. He walked along the hallway, looking in the bathroom, the guest room, and finally, Dean’s bedroom. Dean was under a blanket, curled up in the bed into a ball. Cas leaned against the frame as Dean sighed in his sleep.

He toed off his shoes and climbed in next to Dean, shaking him slightly. “Dean, I’m here. Tomorrow is New Year’s Eve.” 

Dean opened his sleepy green eyes and smiled. “Hey, baby, I missed you.” Cas smiled and kissed him on the nose, shuffling his body so he was under the blanket with Dean.

“I missed you too.” He wrapped an arm around Dean’s middle. “You can go back to sleep now.”

Dean grinned and nestled his face into the curve of Cas’ neck. “G’night.”

“Goodnight.” He counted Dean’s breathes till they were slow and shallow again. “I love you” he whispered into Dean’s hair. A few moments later he realized that Dean was already fast asleep, but it didn’t matter if he heard him. Because Dean knows it. And Castiel knows Dean feels the same way. 

Cas woke up the next morning to someone kissing his neck. It was a pleasant feeling, and it jolted him into consciousness quite quickly.

“D-Dean…what are you doing?”

Dean licked a line up his jaw and pulled back, his eyes shiny. “Tomorrow is the start of a brand new year, you know that?” Cas nodded, his eyes squinty. “I want to fuck my boyfriend before the New Year begins. Now or never, baby.”

Cas got up on his elbows, still wiping sleep from his eyes. “But my breath smells bad and I’m wearing the same clothes I wore yesterday. You’re trying to do this right now?”

Dean grinned. “There is no try, Castiel. Only do.” His hands slipped below the hem of Cas’ shirt and trailed up his chest, taking in every inch of skin like he hadn’t seen it a million times before. He pulled the shirt over his hand and leaned in to kiss him, deeply, and Cas was wrong because it felt so right and he sighed involuntarily, asking Dean for more.

Cas wrapped his fingers around his neck and pulled them closer together. His fingers were burying into the hair at the base of Dean’s head while his other hand was working on taking off the rest of their clothes.

Dean rolled them sideways on the bed, pulling the cover along with them, mumbling “its cold” into the side of Cas’ mouth. He pulled Cas close and flush, bare skin against his own. Cas felt Dean’s hands slip down his back and his breathing hitched at every movement. He didn’t try to turn away as Dean held him there.

“Oh…fuck…” Cas whimpered.

Dean smiled, nipping his lips and pushing in harder. “It’s alright.” He murmured. “I’m going to go real slow. I’ll take care of you, Cas.”

And he did, carefully, arms around each other, eyes lidded and dark, shifting and pushing, and Cas kept asking and Dean kept giving. The moans against Dean’s neck as he pushed up into Castiel were all the answer he needed, promising so much more besides.

Dean was begging against the back of Castiel’s neck, and Cas was falling deeper into the dark blue sheets wrapped around them like an ocean. He caught with a whimper that stuttered into a shout, harmonizing with Dean’s before ebbing away into deep, satisfied breaths, together, like waves that flowed and crashed, a rustle, a murmur in the dark.

****

People began showing up to the party a half hour early. Cs wasn’t dumb, he knew this party was legendary all around Lawrence for being the best, and he took great pride in what he did. There was weed, booze, girls and boys, loud music, and anything else you could think of. People trickled in and then flowed easily, in through the front door, shivering from the cold, met with a blast of warm air and the beat of good music.

_...I’m high as a kite…I just might stop to check you out…_

Cas handed Dean a beer, kissing his lips lightly before directing Balthazar and someone else he didn’t recognize to the table piled high with vodka bottles, all flavors and brand imaginable. Someone clapped him on the back and when he turned around, Dean was gone. The time passed even faster then before, a mix of greetings, directions, and sips of different drinks. It all began to blur together.

_…Let me go wild…I’ve got blister in the sun…let me go wi-i-ild…big hands I know you’re the one…_

The TV broadcasted the Ball Drop in NYC and people were gathered around as the people performed and the countdown began. The song changed in the middle and someone shouted that there was only thirty seconds left. People began to rush around past Castiel, trying to find someone to ring in the New Year with.

Charlie walked past with Gilda, their fingers interlaced. The music cut out as the buzzing of anticipation grew almost deafening. There were so many people here. Cas grabbed Charlie’s arm.

“Have you seen Dean?” Charlie shook her head, pointing in the opposite direction towards Jo who was hanging around Adam.

“Hey, Jo, where’s Dean?” 

She smiled at him, her eyes glassy. “I don’t know, but, WOW, great party, Casanova!” Cas nodded and gave her a small smile.

_10_

Cas looked around, fiddling awkwardly with the hem of his sweater. This was the first year he was sober enough to remember who he was kissing.

_9_

_8_

Was Dean going to miss it? Cas swallowed as he watched Garth and Tessa already begin to kiss.

_7_

_6_

Cas felt a pair of warm, sturdy arms slide around his midsection. He turned.

_5_

_4_

_3_

Green eyes met blue. Castiel smiled so wide his cheeks hurt.

_2_

Dean leaned in. “Don’t worry, angel, I got you.”

_1_

Cas kissed him way longer then he should have, but a part of him couldn’t help it. This was real; Dean was a living, breathing person who loved Castiel more then the moon. Dean kissed him back and held him tighter. Dean was going to make the world turn, and the stars would fall like rain.

Someone broke a lamp in the second bedroom. Dean had left him a half hour ago to handle it and had yet to return. The clock was nearing two AM but the party was in full swing. There was a girl throwing up in the bathroom. Someone had turned the TV to Disney channel and the stoners were watching a cartoon about cats with rapt attention. Castiel did shots with Jo and Anna, laughing along with the joke they made, although he didn’t quite understand it.

Cas phone buzzed loudly in his pocket. It was a text from Dean.

Dean: Cas, I need you.

Cas smiled but frowned a moment later when his phone buzzed again.

Dean: Come to the highway, it’s important.

Cas looked around. He couldn’t see Dean anyways. He texted back.

Castiel: Dean, are you alright?”

His reply was nearly immediate.

Dean: Get here as fast as you can. Now, Cas, please.

Cas pocketed his phone and slipped away. Jo grabbed his wrist. “Cas, where are you going?”

Cas shook his head, shouting over the dull roar around him. “It’s Dean, he’s by the highway. He says he needs my help.” He tore his wrist away from Jo, not even looking over his shoulder as he ran down the steps and across the snowy ground.

Jo looked at where he disappeared into the crowd. After a moment, someone slung an arm around her shoulder. She turned. It was Dean.

“Hiya, Harvelle, whatcha up to?” She looked at him for a long second.

“Dean…why’d you text Cas to go to the highway?”

Dean furrowed his brow. “What are you talking about? I was just coming to find him.”

“You didn’t text him?”

“No?”

Jo cursed. Dean blinked. “We have to go.” She grabbed Anna and Dean and pulled them to the door.

“Woah, Jo, calm down, what’s going on?” Anna looked behind her at the boy who she was walking away from. Charlie followed them as well.

Jo turned. “Something bad is going to happen. We need to get to the road. Now.”

****

Cas tore through the frozen underbrush, his long legs carrying him over the slippery ground. He ran through the wood till the soft earth became dull pavement under his feet. It was pitch black outside. He should’ve bought a flashlight. 

“Dean?” He called out, but was only met with darkened silence. He turned to try and go back the way he came, but the brush looked untouched. Had he gone the wrong way? Gotten turned around somewhere? He didn’t remember.

His phone buzzed again. The screen lit up a small space of his surroundings, but not enough to see beyond his arm.

Dean: I think I see you. Come to the middle of the road.

Cas squinted into the dark. He didn’t see anyone. It was freezing, why didn’t he bring a jacket? He stepped onto the highway and looked around. After a moment of contemplation, his trust won over his confusion and he walked up the road, tracing the yellow line with his foot.

“Dean?” He called again. 

Something lit up and Cas covered his eyes, stunned. It was headlights but it wasn’t the Impala, Castiel had memorized that car along time ago. He shielded his eyes, trying to make out the person in the driver’s seat.

“CASTIEL!” Cas turned. There was someone in the woods calling his name. Where the hell was Dean? He turned back to look at the car the moment before it barreled forward.

Cas didn’t even understand what was happening till the car hit him. He flew backwards, the air swept from his lungs. Time seemed to slow before he hit the ground, rolling over on the pavement, tasting blood like iron in his mouth. He cried out involuntarily and felt his whole body ache. His arm burned in agony and he could feel blood soaking through his shirt, already flowing from a scratch on his shoulder. He tried to speak but the words wouldn’t push their way out of his throat.

_Dean please help me!_

His breathing was labored, the pain slowly building behind his eyes. He heard footsteps beside him. Someone was close to his face. He smelled Scotch and something sharp, like cologne.

“Hello, darling.” Crowley. Cas winced and he heard someone crying. “I wish I could tell you that everything’s going to be okay…but it won’t be. The bet is still on, Cas. Don’t you ever try and fuck with me again, do you understand? I will burn you.” Crowley pulled away and Castiel sobbed, clutching his arm, the smell of blood all around him.

There was a face above him again and Cas felt Crowley’s lips on his own.

_Stop it, you bastard, only he’s allowed to do that!_

“It’s a pity it had to be like this. I think your best course of action here would be to tread lightly. Unless you want to lose him for good.” The snow was beginning to sting at the back of Cas’ neck. He heard Crowley walking away.

“Wait, Crowley, s-shouldn’t we call someone? He could die out here, it’s freezing-“ Was that Meg? Cas tried to turn his head but everything hurt to much. He was slowly fading into unconsciousness.

“Come along, Meg. We have business to attend to.” He heard the footsteps retreating. Cas heard Meg’s feet shuffling. His vision was going black.

A car door shut. Someone’s boots were dragging in the snow. He heard it there, like a whisper, before he fell unconscious.

“I’m so sorry, Castiel.” 

*****

Dean heard Charlie scream. He took off running, the frozen branches tearing at his neck. Even through the foggy haze of alcohol, Dean felt sharp and clear, his heart pounding in his ribcage like a drum.

He made it to the road, but it was pitch black. Charlie had a flashlight in one hand and she was standing there, frozen, her hand over her mouth. Dean followed the trail of light.

There was a figure slumped over in the road. A mess of matted black hair and bloody, ripped up clothing. Dean felt his blood turn to ice. He stumbled forward, finally crawling towards the body in the street. His hands cut against the stone pavement but he barely felt anything. 

“Cas?” It was nothing more then a whisper. “Castiel?”

He turned Cas onto his back. His shoulder was bleeding, and his arm was bent at a strange angle. He was breathing, but it was shallow, slow, too slow, to be normal. There was blood trickling down his cheek from a cut next to his eye. Dean wiped the crimson smear from his pale skin. It left a tinge of rouge that made Dean cry.

“CASTIEL!” Dean didn’t even realize he was screaming. Jo and Charlie were at his side. Jo was yelling into the phone about an ambulance. They could hear the music from the party faintly in the background. “CAS! Please, wake up, please, oh god. C’mon, Cas, I wouldn’t leave you, please!” Dean pulled back, waiting for an answer.

“Cas?”

“Castiel!”

Silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Scientist - Coldplay  
> Blister In The Sun - Violent Femmes


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that this took so long, please leave comments/kudos to tell me what you think. I finally know exactly how this is going to end which is very exciting i hope you'll all like it! Thanks for reading <3

Dean stood outside room 102 at St. Jude’s Hospital just outside of Lawrence. His hands were shoved deep into the pockets of his leather jacket, the collar turned up even though he was indoors. He was trying to steady the mad beating of his heart. Cas had gotten out of surgery this morning. Dean was finally allowed to see his boyfriend again.

The hit-and-run had been no accident, Dean was sure of it, but Charlie advised him not to ask any question till Cas was back on his feet. Dean was itching to know who would do such a God-awful thing, but he knew that Cas was fragile, especially now, and Dean felt nearly powerless to help.

A passing nurse gave Dean an encouraging smile. He must have been standing there a long time, his hand on the knob. He thought about getting flowers, but it seemed unlikely that Cas would do anything but squint at them in a vaguely disgusted way so instead he bought his acoustic guitar, slung over his back, just in case Castiel wasn’t up for talking.

He turned the doorknob and felt his throat seize up. The room was small and albeit plain, grayish blue walls and white tile floor, there was a chorus of beeps coming from the bed while a TV played a Jeopardy rerun on a low volume. There were paintings of beaches and flowers and a small brown chair with a green plastic cover on it. Dean trailed his eyes over everything before landing on the bed, and the small but captivating person between the sheets.

Cas hadn’t showered, so his hair was puffy and messy, like he had just rolled out of bed, his skin was clear but pale, there was a cut on his cheek that had small black stitches criss crossing his delicate skin. His arm was in a cast and slinged up against his chest, the rest of him way hidden underneath the gauzy blanket and paper gown. Despite his wrecked appearance, his eyes were shiny, full of happiness and tears as he looked toward the door.

Dean didn’t even realize he was crying till he felt a drip run down his jaw. He swallowed hard and reached up to paw at his eyes. The silence between them was clouded by medical beeps and the sounds from the TV. Dean tried to compose himself. When he looked up, Castiel was smiling, a lopsided half grin on his chapped pink lips while tears turned his blue eyes bloodshot.

“This is stupid.” Dean announced. 

Castiel nodded slightly in agreement, his head tilting as Dean fidgeted with the sleeves of his jacket.

“You broke your arm. You’re fine, you’re alive. Damnit, you’re right in front of me.” Dean shook his head, willing himself to stop crying.

“Yes, I am.” Castiel murmured, his voice even lower then usual.

Dean walked towards the bed and sat on the green plastic chair. He gripped Cas’ hands in his, they were freezing. He rubbed the knuckles absently, trying to warm them. Dean breathed deeply, meeting Cas’ gaze with one of equal intensity.

“Why does it feel like I nearly lost you?” It was a whisper among the machines and the noise, but Cas heard it all the same, his blue eyes lighting up as he clasped Dean’s hand even tighter.

“You didn’t, Dean, its okay. Everything’s fine. I even get to go back to school in a week so…lucky me, right?” His attempt at a joke was dry, and it didn’t make Dean feel any better. Cas’ eyes softened. “It could’ve been a lot worse, you know.” Dean nodded.

“Yeah, you could’ve died.”

Cas winced and he immediately felt bad for being so harsh. “I’m sorry, Cas, I just don’t know how you can be so ambivalent and gracious while you’re stitched up in a hospital bed.”

Cas’ grinned faded slightly and his eyes turned to the wall. “I’ve spent lots of times in hospitals. Sometimes for a night sometimes for longer but…” He looked back at Dean and leaned in. “This is the first time someone came to visit me. So I’m happy you’re here. And now we can just relax and watch Jeopardy.” Cas focused his eyes on the TV. Dean did the same.

“You don’t ever have to worry about losing me, okay, Dean?” Dean looked over. Cas still wasn’t looking at him. “I’m yours until you don’t want me.”

Dean turned back to the wall. He was lost for words, Castiel always had that effect on him, so instead of speaking he gripped Cas’ hand a little tighter and watched the game show until it ended and something else began.

It was late in the afternoon when a woman knocked on the door, entering in with a nervous smile, looking vaguely flustered. Cas sat up straight as soon as he saw her, his lips quirking up in a smile Dean recognized as fondness. A small bit of jealousy unfurled in his stomach before he could help himself. The woman came and sat on the edge of the bed. She rested her hand on Cas’ knee.

“I came as soon as the office hours ended. How are you?” She looked at Cas with adoration in her eyes and Cas shrugged, his hand still interlaced with Dean’s.

“I’ve been better; Doc, but you know me.” He offered her a sly grin before squeezing Dean’s fingers. “Doc, this is Dean. Dean this is Doctor Fates, my therapist.” Dean let himself relax. His therapist, of course. She was older, more weathered then Dean had envisioned but she still carried herself confidently, and that made her pretty. Dean reached out to shake her hand. She met it with a large smile.

“Dean Winchester, I’m honored to meet you.” Dean quirked his eyebrow. “You’re quite famous around my office. From what Castiel tells me, you-“

Cas grumbled out. “Hey, what ever happened to the confidentiality my dad pays you for?” But it was good-natured; the air between them was smooth and easy going. Dean liked her already.

Dean watched the two of them chat for a little while. They seemed to skirt around the fact that Cas was in a hospital bed, instead they discussed simple things, like Cas’ hair or how the Doc’s boyfriend was. Eventually a nurse came in and told them visiting hours were over. Doctor Fates averted her eyes respectfully as Dean kissed Cas goodbye, and Dean promised to come pick him up as son as he was cleared the next morning.

After they had shut the door behind them, Dean turned to bid the Doctor farewell. “It was a pleasure meeting you, Doc. I can see how fond Cas is of you.” The Doctor nodded slowly. Dean outstretched his hand again, but she didn’t shake it.

“Dean, are you hungry?” Her voice was warm.

Dean shrugged. “I could eat. Why?”

“I’d like to buy you lunch if that’s alright. There are things we should talk about.”

Dean nodded slowly, his lips breaking out into a grin. “Do I have to pay you?”

She led him down the hallway, chuckling lightly, clearly at ease. “No, this one’s on the house.” She looked over her shoulder, back towards the room. “For Castiel.”

They walked slowly to a diner down the block. The doctor didn’t speak or make any move to strike up a conversation, so Dean put his hands in his pockets and looked at the snow. She reached into her purse and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.

“You smoke?” She offered him the pack, lighting one up between her teeth. He reached for it but contemplated and refused.

“Used to. Cas doesn’t like it very much, says it makes me taste like ass.” Dr. Fates nodded, blowing a bit of grey smoke out through her teeth. By the time they reached the restaurant and were seated, she had smoked it down to the filter. Dean watched as she stubbed it out in the ashtray. He leaned back after they ordered and waited for her to speak. Eventually, she did.

“Dean, Castiel is my favorite patient, although my job binds me not be partial to any of them. But, Castiel is different, you probably know that, and, considering his home life, I would like to try and look out for him as best I can. So,” She leaned forward, her eyes narrowed behind black framed glasses. “Tell me. What are your plans?”

“Plans?” Dean raised his eyebrows. “What do you mean?” 

She smiled casually. “For yourself. For the future. For Castiel.” Dean swallowed.

“Well…I guess the plan is to leave Kansas. I have an internship at-“

“California Records.” She finished. When Dean looked at her she shrugged. “He loves to talk about all things Dean Winchester.” Dean smiled and continued.

“Anyway, hopefully he’ll come with me and we can live together while he goes to Stanford. I was thinking a shoebox apartment and a cat if he’s lucky.” Dean looked over at the woman’s approving face. He sighed. “I want to marry him.” It was the first time he had ever dared to say the thought allowed, but he knew it was the truth. “I do. And I know that we are young, and not very wise, but I know that if I’m going to spend my life with someone, it’s going to be Castiel. I haven’t doubted it for a second.”

Their food came and they ate in timid silence. Finally, she spoke. Her voice was soft and tentative. “You know about his past then? His…difficulties?”

Dean huffed. “Which ones? The drugs, the casual sex, the drinking, the…” He winced. “The cutting? I know about it all, Doc.” She nodded her lips in a thin line.

“Then you know when his last anxiety attack was?” Dean blinked his eyes wide. He had no idea. The Doctor seemed to sense that because she nodded slowly. “It was a week and a half after he met you.” The answer swelled between them.

“I…didn’t know that.” Dean’s voice trailed off.

Doctor Fates pulled a few bills out of her purse and rested them on the table. She slipped on her jacket and smiled at him. “Dean, when I first met Castiel I thought he wouldn’t make it through the year. But now…let me rephrase this. I had never believed in the power of love till I saw the way he talked about you. You light him up, Dean; it’s like magic and as eloquent as Castiel is he can never find the perfect words to describe how he feels about you. It’s infuriating to him and fascinating to me. If I were you, I would keep that in mind.” She stood to leave, but Dean was just staring at her, dumbfounded and speechless.

“It was a pleasure to eat with you, Mr. Winchester. I hope I’ll be seeing you again soon.” And just like that, she was gone, leaving Dean to sit alone in the small sticky booth, his heart and skin warm despite the freezing chill of January.

*****

For Castiel, the days and weeks seemed to blend together during that winter. He was released from the hospital into Dean’s care, he returned to school after a few days, much to the delight of Charlie and Anna, who bounced along with him everywhere and decorated his cast.

They all refrained from talking about the accident. Anytime Dean would bring it up, Cas would shoot him a warning look and change the subject. There was tension there, right beneath the surface, but both boys did their best to ignore it. Dean’s desire to know what happened was normal but Cas didn’t have the answers he was looking for. Eventually, the topic exhausted itself and they resumed their domesticity with a seamless transition.

January slipped between Castiel’s fingers and February melted with the snow. He got his cast removed, and the deep scars began to fade, like they were never even there. Valentine’s Day past with Dean in bed eating ice cream and giggling over the dumbest things; Castiel bought him cassette tapes, Dean bought him books. The days before graduation were numbered, and the jacket sat in the back of Cas’ closet, a dull reminder of what he soon would face. His eighteenth birthday was right around the corner, as was prom, and then graduation and summer and then life. The closer it got, the more Castiel imagined all the things that could go wrong.

Castiel woke up on his birthday, March 2nd, and he didn’t feel any different then he had the day before. Being eighteen was supposed to be special, but he put on the same pair of distressed jeans that he always wore and a sweater that was too big for his body, just like every morning. Gabriel sang him happy birthday in a high pitched squeaky voice while presenting him with a mountain of syrup-drowned waffles that Cas tried not to gag on. His mother looked at him with bloodshot eyes and asked when he was moving out. His father read the paper on the porch to avoid seeing him, which had become a daily routine. 

He got on his motorcycle and drove to school, pushing down a little harder on the gas petal, watching the world swirl beneath his feet. He smiled under his helmet and eased up a bit. He didn’t want to crash now; he was so close to being free.

He showed up a little early for school, and contemplated driving to get coffee, but his friends were waiting for him by Dean’s Impala, and he had promised to be there as fast as possible. 

Jo was there to greet him as he dismounted his bike. She smiled wide and hugged him around his neck. Cas was happy about how close they had gotten this year. Her bright blonde hair was pulled back in a loose ponytail and she smelled like warm blankets and cinnamon. Cas pulled back almost reluctantly.

“Are you ready for the best birthday ever?” She looped her arm through his and guided him away from the school’s doors.

“That depends, is it pizza day in the cafeteria?” Cas gave her a wry grin and she chuckled.

“Castiel, do you really think that we are going to let you spend your welcoming into adulthood in that shitty-ass school? Hell no, what kind of friends would we be if we did that? We already called in. Today, you’re out of town. And so are the rest of us.” They rounded the corner and Cas saw the group waiting for them.

It was Charlie and Anna, of course, but behind her stood Balthazar, Garth, Tessa, Adam, Chuck, Victor and Dean. They were crowded around Dean’s car, laughing about something and Cas felt his breathing catch.

“We’re…skipping school? For me?” He turned and raised his eyebrows at Jo. She nodded with a smile.

“Charlie and I have the whole day planned, start to finish. Everyone was in on it but we couldn’t tell you. C’mon, Cas…you deserve it.” She tugged his hand and pulled him over to the crowd, who greeted him with hugs from the girls, claps on the back from the guys, and opened-mouth kisses, on Dean’s end. They all piled into three cars and Jo led the way, directing them till they pulled up next to a big building Cas barely recognized.

He and Dean stood at the entrance. “You’re kidding me. I can’t believe you remembered.”

Dean grinned, looking up in satisfaction at the sign that advertised the Go-Kart arena. “Hey, when your boyfriend says he used to want to race Karts for a living, you get him to a fuckin’ Go-Kart track, right?” He wrapped an arm around Cas’ shoulder. “It may be your birthday, but I am still going to kick your ass out there.”

Cas felt excitement bubble up in his stomach. “Save it, Winchester, I was born for this.” The pair followed the group inside, where they suited up in helmets and walked out to the track. Cas chose a blue on with purple stripes, Dean chose the black one with fire decals running up it’s side.

They raced for as long as the place allowed. Most of the time it was Garth that took the lead, with Dean and Castiel alternating second and third, but Jo won a few in her camo style Kart, and Charlie tied for first in her sunflower yellow one.

They left the Prix around lunchtime and went to the Roadhouse where they ate huge burgers and fried food, filling up on soda and, finally, Jo bought out a huge cake. It was a rectangle with light blue frosting. Cas felt his eyes nearly fill up. He hadn’t had a cake since he was nine years old. They placed it in front of him and began to sing, the light from the eighteen candles casting shadows on the wall. Cas felt Dean’s hand on his knee as they brought the song to a close with a loud cheer. Cas leaned forward and blew out the candles.

He wished for everything to stay the same.

They all sat in Dean’s living room, crowded underneath blankets, most on the floor, but Dean, Cas, and Anna were squeezed onto the couch. Victor and Tessa were asleep in Dean’s bed, exhausted from the day, but the rest of them were watching Star Wars and drinking whiskey from one of Dean’s bottles.

After the Roadhouse, they had driven to a field outside of Lawrence and set off fireworks, watching the air light up in a hundred different colors. When they had run out of sparklers and matches, they drove back to Dean’s apartment and settled in for the night. The next day was Saturday, so none of them bothered to go home.

Cas looked away from the screen, pulling his head off Dean’s shoulder to stare up at him. Dean was mouthing the words, long since memorized, and his eyes were crinkled up as he watched the movie. Cas smiled lightly and look down at the floor to his friends. They were all grinning, completely at ease and Castiel felt something drip down his face. He didn’t even bother to question why he was crying. Nobody seemed to mind, they were all too busy staring at the TV.

Cas nuzzled his head into the curve of Dean’s neck and kissed his skin lightly. He tasted salty, like sweat, and smelled like leather, a scent Cas had grown attached to. Dean chuckled and pulled him closer. Cas kissed up his jaw till he was close to his lips.

“Thank you.” Cas whispered, before kissing him, deeply. And even though Dean didn’t respond, Castiel felt all his thoughts melt away as the clock struck midnight and his eighteenth birthday drew to a close.

_“So how does it feel to be an adult, Castiel?”_

_Cas smiled at his therapist as she crossed her legs, her eyes betraying the unprofessionalism that had grown between them_

_“I got a tattoo and I didn’t even have to have someone pretend to sign for me. It’s awesome.” He shifted slightly, wincing at the ache in his lower back. He and Dean had been up extremely late the night before, ignoring the outside world, their phones turned off and the music turned up so the neighbors wouldn’t hear the noises they both made. He hoped she wouldn’t notice._

_“Another tattoo? What does that make it now? Five? Six?” Cas grinned and stood up._

_“Only five, Doc. Here…” He lifted up his shirt to reveal the one on his ribs. It read, in loopy script,_ ‘It was a pleasure to burn’ _which was a quote from Castiel’s favorite novel. He had a small tree on his ankle, the branches snaking up about three inches up his calf. Around his other ankle was another loopy script,_ ‘Remember the best’ _which was another quote that Cas had adored. On the back of his shoulder, just beneath the curve of his neck were the dates of Gabriel’s birthday in Roman numerals._

_“And what is the new one?”_

_“It’s on my back.” He pulled on the hem of his sweater, not sure if he should show her._

_“I don’t mind, Castiel. I think you’re forgetting I have a fiancée and you’re, well…involved with a man.” She smiled again. Cas had felt the barriers between them melt away the past few months. He grinned back and pulled off his sweater, turning to reveal the tattoo he had gotten about a week before. He heard the doctor gasp. “C-Castiel, they are beautiful.”_

_On Cas’ back, in dark black ink, were the etchings of two intricate, large angel’s wings. They covered his upper back and stretched partway down his arms, ending about halfway towards his elbow. Each feather was done in ridiculous detail, but Cas had nearly smiled the whole time he had gotten it. Dean held his hand and watched with wary eyes. He still refused to get one himself, but Cas knew how much Dean liked his. He made an effort to trace the letters on his ribs with his tongue whenever he got the chance. Cas smiled at the thought._

_Cas pulled on his shirt and sat back down. The doctor let the silence stretch between them before she spoke again. “How is Dean?”_

_Cas leaned back. “He’s good, real good.” He left it at that, not wanting to delve into it. Graduation was soon, far too soon for Castiel’s liking._

_“And…how are you?” The doctor’s eyes were narrowed, as if she could sense what was happening in Cas’ head, all the different scenario’s he had dreamt up._

_“I’m…” He swallowed hard. “I’m scared. I’m over thinking us leaving highschool, and I keep imagining that everything’s going to fall apart somehow. Maybe it will; I’m not sure.”_

_“Why do you think that?”_

_Cas scrubbed a hand across his face. “Cause, we’ve all seen the statistics. How many gay highschool sweethearts do you know that make it to the finish line together?”_

_The doctor cocked her head. “You know, statistics mean nothing to an individual. Just because few couples get married, it doesn’t mean you will break up.”_

_Cas nodded, his heart not feeling any lighter._

_“I guess I should have known, right from the start, that you can’t predict the end.” He pulled the sleeves of his sweater up till they were at his elbows. He traced the scars absentmindedly while the Doctor watched him warily.._

_“Castiel?” He didn’t answer her, just continued to stroke the pale skin beneath his finger tips._

_“I stare at my wrists a lot.” He admitted. “They have these strange white seams running up along them. Sometimes I hide them under sleeves or bracelets, especially when Gabe’s around....but sometimes I want everyone to see them. I want them to worry about me, to be impressed and a little afraid. Dean has never been afraid. He…he holds them to his lips and tastes the marks sometimes, as if they are Braille and he can read the story. He is the only person who has ever taken the time to see me. How am I ever going to let that go?”_

_Doctor Fates held her tongue. She didn’t have an answer._

*****  
Dean knew Cas was fighting to stay awake. It had been a mistake to pick The Lord of the Rings as their movie for the night, seeing as how they were long and complicated (and awesome). Cas had had an especially long day, finishing up their project for Mr. Edlund’s class and then doing all sorts of odd errands for the apartment. With each passing day, the place looked a little bit more like home to the two boys.

Dean especially liked it when Cas left his stuff here. He had a toothbrush in the bathroom, a key on his key ring, a whole drawer for his clothes. It was as close to living together as either one of them had ever been. Cas breathed softly against Dean’s neck. At first, Dean thought he was sleeping, but then he shifted slightly and sighed.

“You want to go to bed?” Dean looked down at the other boy.

“The movie’s not over, Dean.” His voice was even more gravelly then usual. 

“Baby, you’re falling asleep. Come on, we can finish it another time.” Dean pried himself out from under the boy and stood. Before he could get very far, Cas grabbed a fistful of his sweater and pulled him back down to the couch. Dean yelped in surprise.

“God, you’re amazing.” he said between hard, bruising kisses. Dean winced slightly. He had never been able to take compliments well, especially when Cas was licking them onto his skin.

“S-Sure, Cas, whatever you say.” He immediately regretted saying it, because Cas pulled back, his big eyes confused.

“I don’t understand why you do that.”

“Do what?”

“Say the things you do. You’re allowed to believe me when I tell you how much I love you.” His eyes looked almost wistfully sad, and Dean felt guilt pool in his stomach.

“I’m sorry, baby, I’m just scared. And I’m stupid. And I’m sorry. Because I’ve never gotten the things I want. And now that I have it, I’m scared it’ll break.”

Castiel held Dean’s head between his hands, somehow managing to be gentle and firm all at once. He pressed their foreheads together, running a thumb over Dean’s cheekbone. “You won’t break me. Dean, please. Do this for me. You can do whatever it is that you want. You can—”

Dean kissed him again. He kissed him because he hated Castiel sounding so broken, because he didn’t want him to doubt, even if it was just for a moment, that he was wanted. He pushed Cas back a little too roughly, lowering him down onto the sofa. Castiel made a quiet noise of satisfaction and pulled him impossibly closer.

Dean had always been slightly awestruck by how Castiel kissed so fearlessly, like it was the last thing he’d ever do. He kissed like he was laying claim and like he was scared Dean was going to get away. Dean himself had always held back, and it hurt. It hurt to push the surge of want and need back down, when all he ever wanted to do with Cas was mark him, crawl into his skin, take him and Castiel and make them both complete. He felt like he was suffocating with the effort of restraint. It was a scary thought though, giving yourself to someone like that, intoxicating yourself with them, when they could turn around and break your heart at any moment. That kind of thing could kill you. Sometimes Dean wanted to warn Castiel not to give himself so entirely, to be careful, because while Dean felt like he’d sooner die than intentionally hurt Cas, he didn’t trust himself not to do something stupid and screw everything up. Giving yourself over to another person completely like that could burn you alive.

But then, Dean thought; what a lovely way to burn.

He couldn’t keep denying Cas the adoration he needed; not when Castiel was tearing at his shirt, not when his legs were wrapping around Dean’s hips, not when Dean had been so fucking lonely for so fucking long and he’d found the one person who understood. He couldn’t be afraid anymore.

He violated Castiel’s mouth with his tongue, vaguely aware that he was making soft, desperate noises in his throat. He could feel Castiel shaking beneath him, still trying to get under Dean’s clothes, trying to get to the heart of him. Dean sat back long enough to pull his shirt off over his head and toss it aside. Castiel’s hands were already on his belt buckle, clumsily attempting to unfasten it with trembling fingers. Dean took pity on him, the adrenaline coursing through him making him feel strangely lucid. Every time with Castiel felt like the first, and Dean was starting to wonder what the fuck had taken him so long.

Castiel tugged his own sweater over his head, and the feeling of Castiel’s bare skin pressed up tight against his chest was better than anything Dean had ever had the privilege to feel. There was just so much soft skin, and Dean wanted it all around him, wanted to wrap himself up in Castiel, wanted to explore every inch of him with his mouth, but there wasn’t time for that because Dean felt like he was going to explode if he didn’t just fuck Castiel senseless.

Castiel pulled Dean’s jeans down roughly, taking his shorts with them, and Dean sobbed slightly with relief as his erection bobbed free. He let Castiel stroke him, his eyes fluttering shut as the sensations travelled all the way up his spine, but then he batted the other boy’s hand away because there was a very great danger that if Castiel kept it up this would be over a lot faster than either of them would like.

Castiel huffed with irritation, but then Dean hooked his thumbs around the waistband of his pants and pulled them down in one swift motion. He traced his fingers lightly over the material of Cas’s shorts where the fabric was tight, making Castiel throw his head back against the cushions with a hiss, his fingers digging into Dean’s shoulders hard enough to bruise.

“Dean,” Cas gasped. “Dean, please...please...”

Dean had mercy on him, and dragged Castiel’s down lower beneath him. There was an awkward moment when they both tried to completely free themselves of their pants which had gotten caught around their ankles, not having enough room to maneuver effectively without falling off the couch. But then their bodies were pressed up against each other and they both lay still for a moment, looking at each other in silent wonder. Castiel kissed him slowly, tenderly, the sense of urgency ebbing away a little because they were here, this was it, this was the moment and nothing could take it from them. Dean almost wanted to cry with relief.

Castiel lifted his knees up, hooking his ankles around the backs of Dean’s thighs, rocking his hips up, making Dean whimper.

“Cas,” he breathed, lips against the soft skin just below Castiel’s ear. “You want this?”

“God, yes!” Castiel gasped. “I want you. I want to feel you in me. I want to know that... that you’re just mine.”

Not wanting to move away from Castiel, Dean reached blindly for his jeans where he’d dropped them beside the sofa, groping for the inside pocket where he always kept a few packets of condoms and such. Dean had always known that it was best to be prepared.

“Dean.”

Dean loved the way that Castiel said his name, all deep and rough and sex, how he said it more than he really needed to, even if they were alone together, as if he just liked the way Dean’s name sounded in his mouth. They were definitely going to have to try phone sex at some point – just hearing Cas’s voice was enough to make him hard most of the time.

Dean swallowed hard and flipped open the cap of the bottle of lubricant, squeezing some of the cold liquid out onto his fingers and rubbing them together. Slowly, Dean reached down and gave Cas’s cock a couple of quick strokes with his slicked up hand, making the other boy whimper and pant. Then Dean reached lower still. Castiel’s breath hitched at the sensation, and Dean leaned in to kiss him, ready to stop at any sign of discomfort.

“This okay?” he asked.

Castiel nodded. “Hm. Don’t stop.”

“Let me know if it gets too much, ‘kay?”

Castiel ghosted his fingers up and down Dean’s sides in the softest of caresses, pulling his knees up even further to give Dean better access. Dean propped himself up on one elbow, watching Castiel’s face very closely as he slipped one finger inside his body.

Castiel bucked his hips against him with a small noise of frustration. “Dean, just... just get on with it, please! I can’t—”

Dean huffed a laugh. “Oh, Cas... you old romantic, you.”

He slipped another finger inside Castiel, his movements surer this time, smiling at the way Castiel sobbed with something like relief and grabbed convulsively at Dean’s hips. Dean himself was painfully hard now, but he chose to ignore it. If he could just concentrate on Castiel, on making sure that he had a good time, there was a better chance that Dean wouldn’t completely fall apart.

Cas was thrusting down against his hand now, almost helplessly, and Dean pushed deeper until he was inside Castiel up to the knuckle. Then he tentatively crooked his fingers, explored Castiel’s insides. Cas jerked back, his head falling helplessly against the cushions.

“Oh fuck!” he cried. “Oh my...”

Dean grinned. “You liked that?”  
“God, yes!” Cas gasped. He threw his head back again when Dean bore down on him mercilessly with his fingers. Castiel looked completely debauched, eyes closed, mouth slack as Dean ruined him. Dean was shaking now, his whole body singing with such unabashed want he could barely contain it. Cas winced when he added a third finger.

Dean paused. “You... want me to...?”

“Don’t you dare!” Castiel hissed, fixing Dean with eyes that were almost black with arousal. “I swear to God, if you even think about it I will kill you.”

Dean thought it best to take him at his word. After all, he knew that Cas wasn’t delicate, and he’d been left in no doubt that yeah, the guy really did fucking want this. Want him. Fuck.

“Dean... please... more...” Castiel grit out. “Please, I... I can’t...”

Heart hammering, Dean groped for the condom he’d dropped on the sofa and tore the little foil packet open with his teeth. His hands were shaking so badly he could barely get the thing on, and even that brief, fumbling touch made him shudder with pleasure.

Castiel moaned in protest at the loss of Dean’s fingers inside him, but then Dean was lining himself up against Castiel’s entrance. He pushed forward slowly, still not really used to how tight Cas would feel, almost too tight, but so fucking good Dean thought he was going to die from it. He inched himself deeper, breaking out into a sweat, unable to think of anything except the heat and the intensity and the muscles pressing in on him from all sides, and how it felt like some kind of fuse was blowing in his brain.

His hips bumped against the back of Cas’s thighs. He was inside Castiel, actually inside, and Dean had never really appreciated what that meant before. They had sex all the time but it always struck Dean dumb with amazement. To be inside another person’s body and realize that it’s where you always belonged, and that maybe you’d spent your whole life looking for this, this connection, and it was the first time you’d ever felt right. It was too much, almost.

He felt the tension ebb away, the muscles unclench, and Cas began to make small noises of pleasure again, experimentally rocking his hips against Dean as if getting used to the feel of him, the length and the heat and the fullness, his breathing erratic, his hands skittering over Dean’s back and sides and arms as if he didn’t quite know what to do with them.

Dean was certain he had never been this hard in his life. His thighs were shaking with the sheer effort of holding back, and he felt like his whole body was one long ache, the centre of everything, the whole fucking universe, the place where he and Castiel were joined.

Dean made a small whimpering noise in the back of his throat. “Cas,” he rasped. “I gotta... I need to move.”

Castiel nodded breathlessly. “Yes. Yes please.”

Dean dragged out slowly and pushed back in with a sob of relief, the pleasure that throbbed through him feeling like the first he had ever known. He knew it wasn’t going to last long. He did it again, and was gratified by the moan he managed to pull out of Castiel.

Cas was looking up at him with something like rapture. “Dean,” he said softly, awestruck. “Again.”

Dean moved slowly, partly because he wanted it to be good, but also partly because he could feel arousal coiling tightly in his gut, making his thighs tingle, making the blood pound in his ears. He didn’t want it to be over. He wanted to make Castiel come undone first. Cas moaned and arched against him, but he wasn’t close enough, not nearly close enough for Dean. He breathed deeply, trying to distract himself by naming all the different parts of an engine in his head.

Dean hooked his arms behind Castiel’s knees and pushed his legs up even further, tilting his pelvis upwards. This, he knew, was all about the angles. The only thing that mattered now was that it felt like absolution, like what he’d needed all along, what they’d both needed.

It was driving Castiel crazy, and Dean couldn’t look away. He thrust upwards, trying to hit Cas’s prostate on every stroke, making his cry out wildly, gasping Dean’s name over and over like a prayer. It was too much. It was too intense. The hot, electric, pounding pleasure was just too fucking much and it was going to consume them both. Dean realized that he was whispering broken sentences against Cas’s cheek, obscene and loving, worshipful and profane.

Castiel was holding onto him so tightly that Dean could barely move. All they could do was rock together; chase the heat rocketing through them, praying that it wouldn’t tear them apart. “Dean,” Cas choked, lip’s pressed to Dean’s temple, hips bucking helplessly. “Dean... Dean... Dean... Oh... Oh God... Oh fuck!” 

Castiel’s breath hitched and his body jerked against Dean’s, and then Dean held him down as he cried out, head thrown back in ecstasy, fingers digging into Dean’s flesh like that was the only thing keeping him together. He looked wild and beautiful and perfect, and his muscles were working Dean so hard that his own orgasm was punched out of him without warning, so powerful it almost hurt, and he buried his face in Castiel’s neck as he sobbed out his pleasure, rolling over him in spasm after hot, shuddering spasm, making lights dance before his eyes, crushing him, crushing them both.

The first thing Dean was aware of again was his breath, stuttering and ragged, against the skin of Castiel’s throat, and how they were still clinging to each other even as the aftershocks ebbed away and their heartbeats returned to their normal pace. The sweat was starting to cool on Dean’s back, making him shiver. He slowly pulled away a little, drawing a soft noise of protest from Castiel, and reached down to drag the blanket that had pooled at their feet up over them. He crawled back into Castiel’s arms, shaking and boneless, and Cas held him tightly, like he’d been afraid that Dean was trying to get away. Dean wanted to reassure him, tell him that everything was okay, but he was suddenly too exhausted. He rested his head on Castiel’s shoulder again and allowed sleep to take him. 

They woke up the next morning, still on the couch, wrapped together almost dangerously close.  
****  
“Flowers?”

“Lame.”

“Okay, what about making a big sign and-“

“Lame.” Jo continued to look at the TV.

Dean sighed and threw his head back against the couch. “Okay, what about if I whisper it in his ear while I’m mercilessly fucking him from be-“

“Jesus, Dean.” Jo scrambled up and off the couch, glaring at him as he shot her a cocky grin. “You’re disgusting, you know that?”

Dean laughed as she settled back down, farther away this time. A minute past and then Dean was back to thinking. Prom was coming up, just a few weeks away, and he had no idea how to ask Castiel.

“Jo….Jo….Joooooo….help me…” Dean whined, batting at Jo’s shoulder as she tried to focus on whatever movie they were watching. She rolled her eyes, but she fought back a smile. Dean groaned loudly, sliding off the couch and onto the floor.

“You’re such a baby, Winchester.” Dean perked up, getting on his knees to grin at her like a puppydog.

“So, you’ll help me then?”

“Of course I will, fuckwad. I already have a plan.” Dean beamed. He had the coolest best friend.

****  
Cas took the blunt out of his mouth, the smoke curling up to the sky. Charlie and Anna sat next to him on the car’s hood, both equally stoned.

“We should head over to the concert now right?” Anna nodded absentmindedly. Charlie jumped off the hood and slid behind the wheel while Cas stubbed out the joint beneath his shoe.

They were going to a concert, Dean’s band was headlining in a club a few miles out of Lawrence, and even though it was a Tuesday night the whole gang had agreed to go support them. Cas had been the one to suggest the weed and Charlie had been more then happy to oblige.

They arrived late and found their places in the crowd, a near routine settling down. Anna went to the back to stand with the other girls, Charlie headed for the mosh pit and Castiel went for barricade, anything to see Dean just a little bit closer. They jumped around to the usual songs, Castiel reveled in the magnificence of Dean’s voice as it lulled him through the crowd. They sang all the ones Cas had known, till he thought their setlist was finished. Charlie appeared behind him and dragged him backwards, through the crowd.

“Where are we going?” Cas grinned as Anna took his other arm. They nodded at a tall guy in all black and went through a door on the side of the club. It was a dank, small hallway that smelled like Pepsi and cat piss. Cas grimaced at the stains on the floor.

“It’s a surprise.” Charlie said brightly, opening another door. Cas heard the bassline and the floor began to shake. They were playing another song. They passed through a room with beads hanging down the front of the doorframe, and then Cas stood, shocked.

They were backstage, in the wings, Dean’s bands was in front of them facing the crowd. Charlie grasped his arm and tugged him to the left till he was nearly behind Dean, facing away from him but dead-on with the crowd. The stage was clearing, Jo and Adam left but Dean was still standing in the center, adjusting the mike stand as he sat back on a stool. His electric guitar had been replaced with the acoustic one he tuned every two days. It was familiar to Castiel.

“Hey, guys. So, if you don’t mind, I have one more song. It’s dedicated to the most important person in the world, someone I love more then I ever thought possible.” Cas’ breathed hitched. Anna squeezed his hand. “Someone who knows how bad I am at chick flick moments but loves me anyway. So…instead of flowers or grandeur signs…this is the best I could do…if you have a lighter could you hold it up?”

Cas leaned towards Jo. “What is he doing?”

Jo smiled, kissing Cas’ cheek. “He’s asking you to prom, dumbass. Shhh…listen….”

Dean began to sing, his guitar and his voice the only sounds to be heard, echoing out over the hall as people raised up their lighters and their cell phones, making the darkened crowd look like nighttime, a hundred lights blinking in and out within the rhythm. Cas felt his eyes begin to sting. He swallowed hard.

_” …If all our life is but a dream, fantastic posing greed and we should feed our jewelry to the sea…for diamonds do appear to be just like broken glass to me…but then she said she can’t believe…genius only comes along in storms of fabled foreign tongue…tripping eyes and flooded lungs…northern downpour sends it’s love…”_

Cas recognized the song distantly, it was something that Dean sometimes hummed in the shower or while cooking breakfast. It was sweet and slow, as passionate as Dean was. He grasped Charlie’s hand. Dean continued to sing.

_“…The ink is running towards the page, it’s chasing off the days…look back at both feet and that winding knee…I missed your skin when you were East…you clicked your heels and wished for me…through playful lips made of yarn, that fragile Capricorn unraveled words like moths upon old scars…I know the world’s a broken bone…but melt your headaches, call it home.”_

_“…Hey moon, please forget to fall down…hey moon, don’t you go down…sugarcane in the easy morning, weathervanes my one and only…”_

The song faded and the lights died down, being replaced with screams and cheers. Dan waved and said his thanks before slinging his guitar over his back and jogging off the stage. Cas met him with a tight embrace, their mouths pushing together without any hesitation.

“I’ll take it that’s a yes then?” Dean smiled down at Cas’ blue eyes when they pulled apart.

Cas laughed, his eyes still slightly watery, the image of Dean surrounded by beautiful lights, singing for him, was burned into his memory. He smiled, giddy with happiness. “You’re so full of it, Winchester.” He leaned in to kiss him again, nearly tasting the notes on Dean’s tongue. 

Cas pulled back. There was a moment then, just a few seconds, when the world around them was blurred. Cas’ vision was full of Dean’s green eyes, framed perfectly by long black eyelashes. Dean smiled and Cas felt his heartbeat through his chest.

“I love you.” Cas whispered, closing his eyes and leaning forward, resting his head against the white cloth of Dean’s T-shirt.

“I love you, too, Castiel.” Dean kissed his forehead and then interlaced their fingers together. “Come on, baby…let’s go home.”

****

Cas woke up the next day before Dean did. He watched the other man sleep for a moment before heaving himself up and out of the bed. He left without leaving a note, his expression steely and his mind clear. The wind bit at his cheeks as he drove his motorcycle back to his house. He entered without knocking just as the grey light of morning filtered away into midday.

He tiptoed up the stairs and pulled off his trenchcoat, tossing it to the side and opening his closet. The red and white letterman jacket felt heavy in his fingertips. He put it on anyways. It was like lead around his shoulders.

He got back on his bike and drove without stopping to the unfamiliar cul-de-sac where Crowley’s house stood. Castiel dismounted and banged unflinchingly on the door, listening as people reacted to the sound.

He took off the jacket, bringing it to his lips one last time before the door swung open. He didn’t recognize the kid; all he saw were dead eyes and a slackened mouth, before he pushed past him into the house. Crowley’s room was empty, and Meg’s door was shut, so he walked through to the backyard. Crowley was standing there in a black suit, looking up at the door as if he had been expecting Castiel to arrive at any moment.

“Castiel, how nice of you to-“

“Shut the fuck up, Crowley.” Cas balled his hands into fists, advancing tentatively into the backyard. Crowley sneered and Meg walked out from behind the house, her eyes big and sad, and went to stand next to Crowley. Cas closed the distance between himself and the pair.

“Why are you here, Castiel? Was my last message not clear enough?”

“Cas?” Meg’s voice sounded weak and small. “Cas, are you okay?”

Cas ignored her, instead he shoved the jacket into Crowley’s chest, making the man stumble a bit. Crowley looked at it in surprise.

“Here, you fucking snake, here is your god damn jacket. It’s over now. I gave you the jacket, its finished. You…you both leave us the hell alone. If I hear that you touched one hair on his head I will tear you BOTH to fucking pieces. Just stay out of my life from now on, you hear me?” Castiel didn’t wait for an answer, he didn’t wait to see their expressions; he just turned and stormed back through the house, leaving the front door open as he got back to his bike.

“CAS! Cas, wait, please…” He paused. Meg came and stood in front of him. She was shaking. “W- Why did you come here…especially after…”

“AFTER WHAT?” Cas roared. “After you left me to die in the middle of the street?” Meg flinched but Cas didn’t stop, grabbing her shoulders roughly and digging his nails into her skin. “You…are a pathetic waste, Meg. A nothing…a low-life and I’m through making deals with the devil. Stay away from me.”

He let her go and she stumbled back, grasping at the air. “What are doing, Castiel?”

“Don’t you understand?” He walked slowly past her, not turning around. His hands fell to his sides, stilling there before he felt the cool leather seat underneath his palm. He looked back at Meg and felt nothing but pity.

“Don’t you understand, Meg?” He repeated.

“Its over. I won.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Northern Downpour - Pan!c at the Disco


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I said there would be a happy ending? Please keep that in mind (it gets worse then better, i swear) . Thank you for reading comment/kudos what you think!

Castiel looked in the mirror. His hair was not combed, but he had wrestled himself out of bed early enough to wash it and dry it into something that could pass for tamed sex hair. He had tried, and failed, to get his lips to stop looking so chapped, but Dean didn’t really mind, Cas knew that.

His suit had been borrowed from Balthazar who had an abundance of suits for some reason, and Dean’s was a rental from a friend. They were matching, black, and both boys were wearing plain white button ups and black bow ties. The only thing that was different in their dress was that Castiel wasn’t wearing an amulet around his neck like Dean was. 

They drove together to Tessa’s house, where the pictures were. They listened to rock music and passed a flask between them in her driveway till they felt ready to go inside. Once in there, the pair faced a million cameras and the painful fact that they were the only kids who didn’t have parents there to take their pictures. Bobby and Ellen were a good substitute, of course. Bobby stood there and held Jo’s purse while Ellen flustered around, shooing everyone into place and snapping more pictures then were necessary.

The girls wore long, beautiful gowns and all the guys looked smart in their suits. Most people had dates, and if they didn’t then they took group pictures. Cas tried not to leave Dean, but he was pulled away to take a picture with Garth and Lisa came over to fix Dean’s bowtie.

They found each other towards the end, when they all were called for one large end-of-the-line group picture. Cas stood beside Dean and slung an arm carefully around his boyfriend’s shoulders. Dean snuck one around his waist. Ellen quickly got a shot of the two of them like that, and when she looked at the small tilted screen she smiled. They were laughing, touching, arms suspended around each other in the picture, looking more in love then Ellen had ever seen. She decided to keep that one.

Lisa came to stand besides Dean. She pressed up against him, so close that he could smell the vanilla scented shampoo in her hair. Cas raised his eyebrows and Dean gave him a sympathetic shrug, leaning in to kiss his neck before smiling for the picture.

Finally, their friends decided that there were enough pictures to last a lifetime, and the group said goodbye to their parents, some crying, some already halfway out the door. Dean slung an arm around Ellen and shook Bobby’s hand, the smile on his face more happiness then fear. Finally, the kids filed into their cars, gowns, tuxes, and all, and drove to Lawrence High for their last prom.

*****

The music was terrible. Dean flinched at every ‘base drop’ and the whiny, basic lyrics reminded him of nails on a chalk board. He tried to dance, for Cas’ sake, but the only thing people seemed to know how to do was gyrate and grind all over each other. Lisa tried to dance on him, but every chance he got he turned away. Castiel seemed to be having about as much fun as he was. He looked out of place, doe eyed and beautiful in the midst of all the sweaty bodies and tight dresses. Dean smiled to himself as Cas attempted to bop his head along with the music, trying in vain to imitate what Charlie was doing. No matter how hard he tried, Cas seemed to stand out. 

The night past agonizingly slow. They stood crowded around a small table of crappy food, picking at it awkwardly; the music too loud for conversation. The teachers lurked in every corner, staring with narrowed eyes at the kids, making sure they weren’t having TOO much fun. Dean reached into his pocket and ran his fingers over the engraved flask full of whiskey. He couldn’t risk stealing a drink, even if every second made him ache for more alcohol. 

Two hours past. The boys stood in the midst of their friends, touching when they could, dancing when they were told to, and smiling for the seemingly endless parade of cameras pointed in their direction. After awhile, Dean’s cheeks started to hurt.

The lights were dim. It was as though they wanted everyone not to know who they were dancing beside. Dean stood next to Jo as she danced with Adam. He swallowed hard against the scratchy beat sounding over the speakers. Cas had gone with Anna to find Charlie and Gilda, who were no doubt making out behind the bleachers.

He turned his head and watched everyone else. They seemed to be having a good time. A small spark of jealousy lit up his stomach when he watched the boy-and-girl couples kiss for the camera. The teachers always gave him and Castiel dirty looks when they kissed in the hallways, or held hands around the football field after Dean’s endless practices. It wasn’t fair.

He was pulled out of his thoughts by two arms snaking around his waist. 

Cas breathed onto his neck, alighting his skin. He smelled like rain and electricity and Dean closed his eyes, feeling Cas’ nose press into his back. Cas ran his hands up the front of Dean’s shirt and, in the darkness, Dean knew nobody could see.

“You look good in a suit.” Cas whispered into the shell of his ear. It must have been louder, but it came out nearly indecipherable against the music. “So good.” Cas sighed. Dean leaned back into him.

“…no idea what I want to…” Cas’ words were being drowned out by the crowd. Dean blinked. He could barely hear him. “…love you. Can’t to get…” Dean pressed back against him harder, his breath quickening. He had to make sure Castiel was still there.

“…for…” Had the music gotten louder? Dean could barely hear his boyfriend, his voice warbled while the smell of sweet perfume waved off of another girl. Dean felt sick. He turned quickly, but he could only see the outline of Cas’ face. His eyes looked black, soulless in the dark. Dean nearly shook, reaching his arms down to touch Cas’ cheek. He felt the stubbly skin underneath the pads of his fingers and he could tell that Castiel was smiling.

The song stopped. It was quiet for a moment, before people began to chatter and some green and pink lights came on over the crowd. Dean nearly cried in relief. He could see Cas’ face again, awash in a reddish light.

“I love you.” Dean blurted and Cas nodded. He wasn’t sure if the other boy had really heard him but that was okay. The song was slow, melodic, and Dean took the opportunity to wrap his arms around Cas’ waist. Cas leaned against his chest, their breathing in perfect rhythm.

_“…In the chilly hours and minutes of uncertainty I want to be…in the warm hold of your loving mind…to feel you all around me and to take your hand along the sand…ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind…”_

Dean recognized the song from some old record his father used to play. It was entrancing and he looked down at his boyfriend’s face. His eyes were shut.

“Cas, are you okay?”

Castiel opened his eyes, the blue a welcoming sight. He smiled. “Yes, yes, I’m wonderful. This song…I like it very much.”

_“…When rain has hung the leaves with tears I want you near to kill my fear…to help me leave all my blues behind…”_

He pulled Castiel closer so he could speak a little lower and still be heard. “It’s a classic. My dad used to play it on guitar when my mom would cook breakfast. I can’t even remember what the color was on the walls but this song…I remember that. It’s beautiful.” Cas looked at him with calm scrutiny, his eyes adoring and wide. “You’re beautiful.”

_“…for standin’ in your heart is where I want to be…and long to be…ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind…”_

Cas blushed and kissed him, quickly enough that it could’ve been mistaken. Dean wanted to hold himself there, but the moment was passed, and he nodded along to the few final chords.

_“…ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind…”_

****

Castiel had told himself after New Years he was never having another party. The last one had landed him in the hospital. But, when Jo and Charlie came to him, hearts in hand, and begged him to reconsider, he had changed his mind. 

His lakehouse was full to capacity. There were kids everywhere, drinking, smoking, kissing. Cas smiled, sitting on the couch next to Dean, reveling in all of it. Dean slid an arm around his shoulders.

“We get the bedroom tonight, okay, babe?” Dean whispered in his ear, trailing his fingers over his shoulder. Cas nodded and smirked. He desperately wished that he could just take Dean to bed right now, but he was the host and he needed to make sure nobody burned the place down. Instead, he tilted his head and kissed Dean roughly on the mouth, angling his body so that Dean could slip his arm to the small of his back.

They made out for a few moments, their tongues skimming each other’s teeth, a slow and desperate feel to it. So many more desires lay behind the simple kisses, but Dean pulled back, nearly gasping for air, his pants uncomfortably tight. Cas was smirking again.

“…uh…dude? We’re, like…out of food…” Some guy with bloodshot eyes and a “Bring Me the Horizon” T-shirt stood over them. The smell of weed and picklechips wafted off of him. Cas scrunched his nose.

Cas made a move to stand, but Dean rested his hand on his arm. “I got it. Stay here.” He kissed him quickly before pulling back. “And…uh…don’t fall in love with stoner boy over here.” Cas laughed lightly, pulling him back in for one more kiss before Dean left, wading through the party with his wrists above his head.

Lisa waved at him, beckoning over, but he just shook his head, pointing to the door. She looked disappointed. If Dean had really cared, he probably would’ve felt bad for blowing her off so much tonight. He was almost at the door when someone bumped into him. He turned to see who it was but all he saw was a flash of wavy brown hair and a grey motorcycle jacket. Whatever girl it was had one hell of an ass.

He breathed a sigh of relief when he made it out into the warm night. He jiggled his keys out of his jean pocket and took some calm strides to the Impala. There was someone there leaning against the driver’s door. They were short and looked eerie in the twilight. Dean squinted. They were wearing a letterman jacket.

“Hello, darling.”

****

“What are you doing here?” Cas jumped off the couch, his jaw set and eyes narrowed. He took two careful steps forward. Meg shrank back, her eyes frantic as they searched the room. 

“He’s here, Cas. You’ve got to find Dean.”

Cas didn’t back down. “What are you talking about? Who is here?”

She tugged on his sleeve but he didn’t budge. Meg looked pained. “CROWLEY. He’s going to tell Winchester everything…we’ve got to…you need to…” Cas ripped his arm back from her grasp.

“The bet’s over, I won. He can’t do anything.” She shook her head. Cas noticed how sallow her cheeks had become.

“He doesn’t care about promises he’s a…a…a demon! Straight out of hell itself.” She looked up at him. “Where is Dean?”

“Where is Crowley?” He shot back.

“I don’t know! He came here, and he was so mad, Cas, he looked downright murderous. We need to stop him.”

“Stop him from doing what? He has no proof.”

She swallowed hard. Cas felt his heart beating in his chest. “He does. He’s…he’s got the jacket to prove it.”

Cas didn’t hear the rest of what she said. He was to busy pushing past her, looking for the familiar green eyes.

_…This can’t be happening…_

****

“Why are you wearing my jacket, Crowley?” Dean advanced toward him, his right hand clutching his keys so tightly that it stung. Crowley smiled, but it looked more like a sneer. The fading light cast shadows over the car.

“Your boytoy gave it to me. When we were fucking the other week.” Dean felt his throat go dry. He shook his head and Crowley laughed.

“You have so much faith in him, Dean. Too much. That’s going to be your downfall.”

Dean continued to shake his head. “Leave, Crowley. You have no place here.”

Crowley put his hands up in defense. “Fine, fine, you caught me. We weren’t fucking. But there is something far more scandalous here. And, Dean, I think it’s time you knew the truth…”

****

There were too many goddamn people. Cas couldn’t see over their heads and Meg wasn’t helping, trailing behind him babbling on about how sorry she was. He didn’t want to hear it. 

By the time they realized he wasn’t in the house, people had begun to notice Dean’s absence. Jo began to ask around and she looked halfheartedly in the bedrooms and the kitchen, but to no avail.

“I found him!” Someone called. “He’s out by his car, talking to someone. Looks serious.”

Meg sucked in a breath. Cas froze for a beat before tearing through the crowd, pushing people aside, spilling drinks, like a hurricane of circumstance and good intentions gone wrong. He hit the ground running as he stumbled outside. He could see Dean’s shoulders, his back; the way he stood up straighter then usual.

He tore across the stones, Meg close behind him, but part of him knew already. Even before he could hear their voices, part of him already knew. 

They were coming closer now, he could see Crowley’s outline, his hands stowed leisurely in the pockets of Dean’s jacket. Cas felt his heart go cold.

He went right past Dean to Crowley, pushing him up against the car by the jacket’s lapels. “You fucker, you snake, you absolute devil…” He snarled through gritted teeth. He could’ve killed him then.

Crowley sputtered out a laugh. “You’re much too late, angel.” Cas reared back and punched him square in the eye. His knuckles exploded in pain, but it was satisfying to hear Crowley howl. He dropped him onto the gravel and looked down, his foot poised to kick. Crowley seethed.

“GO. NOW.” Cas’ voice held a tremendous power, surprising even himself. Crowley scuttled away, clutching his eye like a wounded animal. Cas let himself revel in his victory. He heard a small voice behind him, bringing him back down to reality.

“So it’s true then?” Castiel turned slowly. His wrists began to ache, a sensation he had almost forgotten. Dean’s eyes were cold; the green looked too dark and emotionless for such a beautiful face.

“Dean…I didn’t-“

“You bet on me? On us?” Dean took a step forward. He wasn’t crying.

“He didn’t give me a choice, I thought-“

“Say it.” Dean’s voice was like ice, impaling straight into Castiel’s heart.

“S-Say what?”

Dean stepped back, as if being close was too painful. “Say you did it. Tell me it’s true.”

Cas felt his eyes fill up. He breathed in shakily. Meg stood a distance away, the party was subdued, a flickering light down the road, nothing more. 

“It’s true. I bet I could sleep with you…but that was before, things changed, I fell in lo-“

“STOP.” Dean screamed, throwing his hands over his ears like the music was too loud. “STOP.” He looked young, like a child who lost his parents in a crowd.

Cas stepped forward. He could feel it crumbling, slipping like water through his fingers. “N-No, Dean, you don’t understand. I was broken, you fixed me. I was so misplaced, confused, I was scared shitless about what was going to happen.” One single tear rolled down Dean’s cheek.

“Dean?”

“Don’t.” His voice was pleading, heartbroken.

“Dean, I was lost and…you were the first beautiful thing I got stuck on…I need you.”

Cas stepped away from the Impala. As soon as his hands left the metal he felt as though he were drowning. He blinked back tears as Dean stepped back even further. The music from the party was distant but understandable. It was Led Zeppelin.

Dean wiped his face, and when he pulled his hand back, Cas could see the tears falling down his cheeks. “F-Fuck. FUCK.” Cas flinched as he screamed.

Dean turned to him, the sadness replaced with anger. “Fuck you. You…you were different, you were goddamn special, don’t you tell me that this is what you have to give me- this is not it. DAMNIT. Damn you, Castiel. You really…” Dean’s shoulders sagged as if he was suddenly exhausted. “You really got me. You had me going there, I must admit. I thought…wow, I really though it was…” He pawed at his face. “I didn’t stand a chance, did I? Not against you, not for long. There’s no way. You…were supposed to be…different.”

Dean stepped past Cas towards the car, His hands gripped the frame till his knuckles turned white.

“Everything you said…was a lie. Everything.” Dean turned to him, his eyes red rimmed and sparkling. “You never loved me.”

Cas found his voice again. “No, I did…I do! I swear, I love-“

“No, Castiel, you sonofabitch.” Dean opened the door and got in, his eyes on the ground. “You didn’t. You don’t destroy people you love.”

“Dean.” Cas wanted to pull him from the carseat, to force him to believe. “We can fix this, please, just help me.”

Dean started the car, his hands shaking as he clasped the wheel.

“Can’t fix what isn’t broken, Cas.” 

Dean pulled away and drove down the road, his foot pressing the petal to the floor as the world seemed to blur. His body ached, and he longed for nothing more then to be back with Castiel, as he watched the dark haired boy crumple to the ground in the review mirror. With great difficulty, he pulled his eyes away. 

He looked towards the road. It was dark, empty, speeding by like fluid. Dean swallowed hard, pushing down the scream that threaten to burst from his throat. After awhile he pulled over and left himself cry. He beat the upholstery with his fists till his hands stung. Dean felt himself becoming more and more numb as his body drained emotions. He knew eventually, sooner or later, he would no longer be in love with Cas, no longer feel the pain. For some reason, that hurt worst of all.

****

 

_“You know, my sixth grade teacher told me that I should never make anyone my world. I thought she was crazy up until now.”_

_“What changed your mind?” Dr. Fates noticed how much Castiel’s hands were shaking, the knuckles on his right hand were bruised and bloody._

_“I fell asleep with his fingertips burning through my skin and even now I can feel his teeth on my neck. I could still feel his lips long after he dropped me off at my house and his voice lit up my head like an anthem on repeat. He was everything then and, god, it tasted so good. But now I find myself completely and totally alone and…you can’t make homes out of people. I wish my mother had told me that.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Catch the Wind - Donovan


	12. Chapter 12

Castiel dialed again. It felt monotone, natural in a sad sort of way. He had left Dean enough messages over the past four weeks that it was beginning to become like clockwork.

Dean hadn’t been in school. After prom, he only came for the exams, and when he did he came in late and left early, not looking in Castiel’s direction. He hadn’t returned Cas’ texts or calls. From what Cas heard, he wasn’t speaking much to anybody. He had shut himself away, to the point that he hadn’t shown up at the graduation ceremony. His name had gone uncalled. Now, there was four days of school left. All it was tying up loose ends, one of which being the Chemistry project for Mr. Edlund. The one thing that had started it all.

He listened to the phone ring. His other messages had started off this way too.

_…I fucked up, I’m so sorry…please…_

_…Dean, call me back we can fix this…_

_…I miss you…it’s been three weeks…please…_

Cas heard this dial tone click after three rings. There was silence for a second and then Castiel hung up. Dean was probably just deleting them anyway. He glared at the phone in his hand before dialing again, a different number this time, less familiar.

It had only rung once when she picked up.

“Castiel?” Jo’s voice was hard, cold, but not as bad as some of the others. She understood him well enough to forgive him, or at least to accept he couldn’t change what had happened.

“I…uh, I need a favor.” She didn’t respond, but Castiel heard her breath on the other line. “He…Dean needs a good grade on our project to keep his scholarship and…I need his notes to finish it. He has all the important stuff. I just need you to pick it up or tell him I need it…” He sighed. “Please, Jo.”

It was quiet for a moment. When Jo spoke it was barely a whisper. “I know you’re trying, Castiel. I do. These weeks haven’t been easy, I get it…look, I’ll talk to him, okay? But, no promises.”

Cas swallowed hard. “Yes, yeah, of course. I…yeah, thank you.”

Jo hung up and Cas laid his phone down on the bed next to him. His room was still foreign to him, too large and empty. He had already begun making decisions as to what to bring to college, although he wasn’t sure where he would be living in California anymore.

It was two hours later when his phone buzzed. He picked it off the couch and stared. It was a message from Dean, a text. He opened it and willed his hands to stop shaking.

Dean: come in an hour

Castiel didn’t answer. He shut his phone off and crawled into his bed, wiggling his way down till the covers masked him from the harsh light coming from the window. In his head, he played out all the scenarios that could happen, all the things that could go wrong, all the things that could go right. He was afraid.

Cas grabbed his trench coat from its usual hanger by the door. His parents were god-knows-where and Gabe was out with his girlfriend, so the house was silent as he shut the door behind him. Cas called a taxi, his bike was in the shop after Crowley had slashed it’s tires, and he waited out in the semi chill of Kansas, watching the sun dip below the horizon.

The taxi ride was far too short. He paid the man and watched as the yellow car drove away. Then, he turned to Dean’s apartment building. It was shabby, run down, but Cas remembered every time he had trekked up the stairs to Dean’s apartment because of the broken elevator. He remembered giggling and holding onto the railing as Dean kissed his neck, too eager to wait till they were in the privacy of their house-

Cas shook his head as he reached Dean’s floor. It had never been their house, not officially. Maybe to Castiel it had felt that way, but, in reality, it was never really been his.

Dean had been his…but not anymore.

Cas knocked on the door timidly. His palms were sweaty and he ran his hands through his messy hair, angry, for some reason, that it couldn’t be presentable just this once.

Dean opened the door slowly, his face unreadable. He was unshaven, dressed in black sweatpants and a white beater. Cas tried not to let his eyes travel across Dean’s exposed shoulders, tried not to linger on the greenness of his eyes, the sculpture of his cheeks. Cas closed his eyes for a moment.

“Hello, Dean.” He wished for the millionth time that his voice wasn’t so deep.

“Castiel.” Cas winced, not just at his name, but at Dean’s tone, clipped and professional. He used to whisper it like a prayer.

“I just need the-“ Dean opened the door and handed him two notebooks that Cas recognized. He took them, making sure their hands didn’t brush, and nodded his thanks to Dean. “Okay…uh, goodbye then.”

“Wait.” Cas had turned to walk down the hallway. His eyes were on the window, it was dark outside. Cas felt his heart begin to beat against his ribs.

“Yes?” He turned around, not trusting himself to look Dean in the eye.

Dean rubbed the back of his neck. “I didn’t hear your bike. How did you…?” His voice faded. The silence was uncomfortable, tension leaking out of every syllable.

“Oh.” Castiel tried to hide he disappointment in his voice. “Oh, I just got a taxi. It’s not far.” Dean nodded, his eyes looking past Cas, towards the window.

“It’s dark.” 

Cas nodded. “Yes, I suppose it is.”

“And you’ll have to wait for the taxi.”

Cas just nodded, his tongue felt heavy

Dean sighed, grabbing a jacket from the hook behind the door. “Come on, I’ll drive you.”

Cas perked up, shaking his head. “Dean, that’s really not-“

Dean walked right past him. “Come on.”

Cas bowed his head and followed.

****

The drive was painful. The radio was on, but the songs were slow and quiet, making it harder to ignore the uncomfortableness of it all. The roads were dark and empty, Castiel watched as trees streaked by. He looked over at Dean. His jaw was set, his knuckles white, gripping the wheel as if he was trying to strangle it.

Cas watched carefully as Dean shook his head slowly and guided the car to the side of the road. It was shadowy and Cas blinked as Dean turned off the headlights, keeping the engine running.

“I can’t do it, Cas.” Castiel shivered at his nickname. “I can’t. I just-“

“Do what, Dean, I don’t understand. There’s-“

Cas was cut off as Dean pushed forward, pressing their lips together. Cas stilled and then responded, sliding his tongue in-between Dean’s lips, the darkness wrapped around them like a blanket. After a moment Dean leaned back and gestured to the backseat. Castiel just nodded and clamored back there ahead of him.

It was teeth and tongue, impatience, anger, and things both boys refused to say as they pulled at each other’s clothing. Dean had his eyes shut, groaning and whimpering, but repelling any form of intimacy. Cas keened and clawed at his bare skin, arching his back as Dean bit half-moons into his neck, jerking his head back by his hair.

It was rough and surgical, fast in a way that lacked all tenderness, all romance, and Cas felt it, a hollow ache in his heart even though he was filled with Dean. Dean pushed into him, their bodies moving in tandem, quiet except for the radio.

Dean came loudly, crying out “Fuck, Cas, I love you.” Before lip-locking him again, and Cas was about to cry, he came like a fucking girl, wanting to stay like this forever and never let Dean go. Dean’s grip felt like iron, bordering on painful, but Cas relished in every second.

But, as fast as it started it was over. Cas pulled on his clothes in the cramped backseat as they lay side-by-side, aches settling in their muscles. They both had missed sex, but it was like neither one had really gotten anything from it. It was different, distant and glazed over just as Dean had become. Cas rolled closer to Dean, rubbing his hand up his arm, trailing his lips up his skin and back again. Dean huffed and pulled away, getting out of the car with no explanation, leaving Cas alone to shuffle out into the dark.

“Dean?” Cas whispered, hating himself that it came out like he was begging. Dean’s face was cold, emotionless and bleak. 

Dean turned and glared at him, his pretty mouth twisting up into a sneer. “What the fuck are you doing, Castiel? You thought everything would just suddenly be fine? You’re ridiculous.”

Cas blinked, his eyes wide. “R-Ridiculous?”

Dean continued without flinching. “You think you’re special? I would’ve done it with anyone, fuck, even Crowley if he was here.”

“Dean, what? You…you kissed me?”

Dean laughed, a hollow sound that flickered between Cas’ eyes like a migraine. “Yeah, maybe, but that was just because I don’t want to be left like I’m worthless.” He pointed across the car at Castiel. “And that’s what you do, Castiel. That’s all you do.”

Cas stared, dumbstruck, waiting for words to come, for anything to come to his head.

“You’re a liar and a fool, Cas. I don’t need you anymore.”

Cas looked up again and Dean couldn’t meet his eyes, something he never did, because he always met Cas’ eyes. Castiel tugged the sleeves of his sweater around him; he had forgotten his trenchcoat in the back seat. He was too scared to get it.

“You said you loved me…”

“And?”

Dean shook his head, not waiting to hear another word, climbing into the driver’s seat and revving the engine, leaving Castiel behind. The night was dark and Cas stood there blinking for a long time.

_…and I’m sorry…_

_…and I need you…_

_…and I love you too…_

He shook his head, the pain behind his eyes increasing till he let out a small gasp, clutching his temples, the ache in his back a reminder of what had just happened. With pale, shaking hands he pulled out his phone. 

“Castiel?” Charlie’s voice sounded groggy. “Cas?” 

“H-hey…”

“What’s wrong?” He heard shuffling on the other end. Part of him wanted to hang up, to deal with this himself, but he knew he couldn’t. He wasn’t that strong.

“Can you, um, come pick me up? I’m at…” He turned and looked for a road sign. There wasn’t any. “Just drive to Dean’s house. I’m on one of those streets.”

Cas heard the shutting of a door on the other side of the phone. “Cas…why are you-“

“Please, hurry.” Cas cut in, not ready to face up to the truth yet. “It’s quite cold and I don’t have a jacket.”

“Why don’t you have a jacket?”

Cas hung his head, feeling wetness on his cheeks. He cleared his throat and looked up again, leaning against the streetlamp.

“Because…it’s in the back of Dean’s car.”

****

Dean woke up, on the couch, to a banging on the door. The sun filtered through the windows and he stood slowly, swallowing hard against the dryness in his throat. There was a knocking on the door again. Dean looked at the sofa. During the night he had been cold and had reached for a blanket. Instead of grabbing one, his hands had landed on a trenchcoat. Castiel’s coat. Dean held it in his fingers for a moment before tossing it over the couch and going to see who was at the door.

Charlie’s hair was pulled up off her face in a high bun. She wasn’t wearing any makeup, and Dean could see the exhaustion that was settled in her pretty eyes. He stammered for a second and she watched, unashamed, as he fumbled for words.

“H-Hi…Charlie. What brings you- I mean- why are you here?”

Her eyes narrowed, and her lips went thin as she tilted her head slightly, reminding Dean painfully of Castiel. They held eye contact for a moment before Dean spoke again. This time, his voice was shaking.

“Is he…alright? I didn’t-“

Charlie cut in, folding her arms across her Doctor Who T-shirt. “I’m here for Castiel’s coat.”

Dean blinked and nodded, waving her into the apartment. She walked past him, brisk and uncomfortable, and stood in the familiar living room.

Dean rubbed the back of his neck, watching as she picked the trenchcoat off the couch with a strange sense of reverence.

“Charlie, is he okay?”

She didn’t sigh or give him any sympathetic looks. Her eyes were hard and her body rigid. “He’s fine. I picked him up under the streetlamp, he…it was freezing.” She looked up at him, her eyes tinged with sadness. “He wouldn’t talk, Dean, not at all. Cas always talks to me.”

Dean couldn’t speak. Charlie continued.

“He was shivering so I got him into the shower…tell me, Dean, why are there bruises on my bestfriend’s hips?” She didn’t give him time to answer. “Just tell me you didn’t fuck him.”

Dean stumbled again. “I…I just…”

Charlie shook her head, an air of disappointment surrounding her. She pulled the trenchcoat on over her shoulders, wrapping it around her body. Dean’s heart panged at the look of it; the coat practically swallowed her, yet, somehow, it was still beautiful.

“You promised, Dean.”

Her words hung in the air like mist, filling the room, and Dean couldn’t breathe. He swallowed thickly, anger and regret rising in his stomach like bile.

“This is different, Charlie. Everything I based us on, everything, was a lie! You can’t just…expect me to turn around after that. It’s not that I don’t love him…I just have to leave him behind.”

Charlie tugged the coat tighter around herself. “EVERYONE leaves him behind, Dean! Damnit, his parents, his friends, even Anna and I sometimes, everyone always leaves him! So, he knows already! He knows what it’s like to be the one left behind and…and…and you do too! I thought…” She rubbed her forehead. “I’m sorry, Dean. I was wrong. I should’ve told you sooner about the whole bet.”

Dean straightened up. “Wait, you knew?” 

Charlie nodded. “We tried to stop it. We even went to Crowley’s house, Castiel put on quite a show there. It nearly got him killed.” At Dean’s expression, she sighed. “New Year’s Eve? Who do you think was driving the car that ran him down?”

Dean’s eyes widened. “That was Crowley?” Charlie nodded as though her head was too heavy for her shoulders.

Charlie played with the sleeves of the coat as she walked to the door, opening it slowly. She turned to look at him as he stood in the center of the small apartment, reeling over the new information.

“What Castiel did was horrible, I know that. But you fucked up too, Dean. You can’t make promises you won’t keep then sleep with him. I hate to play Devil’s Advocate, but it’s not fair. To either of you.” She began to shut the door, but she turned with a soft smile. “Call me if you need anything, alright?” Dean nodded, monotone.

****

The plates broke when Dean smashed them. The windows rattled when he threw records at the floor and the walls shook as he shouted bloody murder with nobody listening. And finally, when he was done, he sat down on the floor of his broken apartment, his hands bloody from the shards of glass and porcelain, and allowed himself to cry.

It was a half hour later when his phone buzzed. He was picking up pieces of the plate that were strewn about the kitchen. He pulled it out with one hand, glancing idly at the Caller ID before pressing accept.

“Dean?”

“Hey, Lisa,” He clutched the sharp piece of plate. It hurt just a little.

She breathed into the receiver and then spoke too quickly. “Hi! I haven’t seen you in awhile, I was just wondering how you were. How are you? So sorry to hear about Castiel, if you ask me, that boy was trouble from the beginning. I hope you’re doing okay.” Dean felt the plate pierce his skin.

“No, I’m fine, Lisa. Thanks for calling.” He watched at a few drops of blood came rolling out from where it cut through his skin. The red looked nice against his pale skin. He looked up. “Hey, Lisa?”

“Yes, Dean?”

He gritted his teeth, the red running out faster now; a crimson river flowing down his arm. “How would you like to have dinner with me tonight?”

Lisa giggled, Dean hated it already. “Dinner? That sounds lovely! How’s your place...around seven?”

Dean looked around his ransacked apartment and sighed. “No, actually, let me take you out. A restaurant, something nice.”

“Wow, okay!” Lisa enthused. “It’s a date, then?”

Dean dropped the shard and watched as it clattered to floor amidst the others. The dish was pale blue. Dean kicked it to the side.

“Yeah…it’s a date.”

****

_TWO WEEKS LATER_

“Charlie, this is useless. I need to work, not get a drink.” Cas adjusted his hair in the review mirror of her car. 

Charlie winced. “Cas, all you’ve done is work since…” She stopped when she saw his eyes flash with hurt. “Just go in there, look around, and meet someone. Gilda and I will be right down the block if you need backup, no worries, okay?” Cas straightened, looking at the dingy bar. Charlie pleaded. “Please, Cas.”

He nodded; his heart heavy. This was a fight he could not win. When Charlie had invited him to a night out, he hadn’t imagined it would involve them ditching him at the nearest bar and going to get dinner.

“I’ll, um…call you tomorrow, I guess.” She smiled brightly, gesturing for him to go inside. Gilda waved from the backseat. He offered them a weak grin in return.

The bar was dingy, crowded and full of stale air. The woman batted their eyelashes and the men leered, but Cas just sat at the bar, flashing his fake ID and downing gin and tonic. It tasted like gasoline to him, but he had stopped caring a long time ago.

The night wore on, and the people dispersed. A voice came over a scratchy announcement, proclaiming that the show would be started in five minutes. Cas looked behind him. He hadn’t even noticed there was a stage.

On it was a stool, a bottle of vodka, and an acoustic guitar. Cas stared at the instrument for a moment before straightening up. It wasn’t possible. He swept his eyes over the small crowd and noticed Lisa leaning casually against the speaker. His heart began to stutter in his chest as the lights went dim. The bartender turned his back and Cas grabbed the bottle of gin, pushing his way off the stool and stepping towards the stage.

Thirty seconds later, Dean came on. He was stumbling, and looked unkempt, but Cas felt his eyes grow wet all the same. Dean made an introduction speech and then settled onto the stool, hoisting the guitar into his lap and playing with quick fingers. He launched into the first song almost immediately. Cas gulped down more of the acidic liquor as he recognized the tune. 

_“…well, I’m so tired of the rain, falling softly on the ground, just enough to get my feet wet, but not enough to let me drown… I’ve been laying in my bed, wishing I had never woken, begging God to rid my head of every word you’ve ever spoken…broke my knuckles on the wall, cause I though about the call…where you said you’d always love me…do you not tell the truth at all…”_

Cas felt sick. Last time he had heard Dean sing it was a proposal, and now he was scowling into the microphone, eyes shut, the pain too evident on his beautiful face. Castiel felt drunk already, but he took another drink.

_“…and don’t you dare, don’t you dare, say you ever loved me or even tell me that you cared…cause you knew what you were doing and you know just what you’ve done…how dare you say you miss me with your spit still on his tongue…”_

Cas tried to back away, but there were people all around him. One woman grabbed his arm, looking appreciatively through her lashes. Dean kept singing.

_“…I’m trying hard to find some hope that I might get the chance to breathe...get off my mind, give back my heart and get the fuck away from me…”_

This was a mistake. Castiel pushed her away; rougher then he had imagined, and squeezed backwards through the crowd. He shouldn’t have come here alone.

_“…And I know I gave the world everything I’ve ever had…Johnny Cash said love would burn… I never thought it’d hurt this bad…”_

Cas made it to a table and he gripped the edges, gasping for breath, as he music washed over him, pulling him underneath it’s current.

_“…well, if I ever cross your mind, make sure you write down the times…so I will know the moments I was eating you alive…”_

The song ended, but Castiel still couldn’t breathe. He turned back and saw Dean swaggering off the stage, his face easy and his arms outstretched. Lisa skipped to meet him, their lips crashing together, making Cas’ stomach roll. Dean’s hand slipped down and gripped her ass, barely concealed in a too-tight yellow minidress. It was too much.

Castiel pushed his way through the back door, barely making it five feet into the alleyway before leaning down and throwing up. His trenchcoat fell to the ground beside him. He stayed like that for awhile, till he felt a hand on his back.

“You okay there, sweetness?” The voice was like syrup and cream. Cas turned his head, smelling the greasy scent of French fries on his visitor’s lips. He could make the outline of long hair and dark, cat-like eyes. She was short but curvy and her fingernails grazed over his sleeve.

“Y-Yes I’m fine, thank you.”

“You don’t look fine. Come with me, I have something that will make you feel all better.”

“N-No, I don’t want-“His stomach rolled again and he nearly vomited. The girl stepped back a step and tightened her grip on his arm.

“Come on, Castiel, I’m here to help you.”

He let her guide him to her car, still half drunk. She got behind the wheel and began to drive. He blinked at her. “How did you know my name?”

She turned and smiled at him, almost wickedly. “I’m a friend of Crowley’s, love. I’m here to make it all okay.” Cas just nodded, still drunk.

They pulled into a motel parking lot and she half dragged him to a dank, small room on the far side of the building. His nose screwed up at the smell coming from the walls.

“Well, it’s no palace, but it’ll do, right, babe?” 

“Right…uh…” He swallowed, trying to clear his murky thoughts.

The woman sat him on the bed and kneeled in front of him in between his legs. Castiel watched with wide, blue eyes as she ran her hands up and down his thighs, palming carefully over his crotch before reaching under the bed, pulling out a small black makeup bag. 

Cas looked up at the ceiling as she unzipped the bag. He listened as she began to speak.

“I know all about you, honey. I know about Dean Winchester and Lisa…and all that messy stuff. That’s the past now. You want to feel good, right, Castiel?”

She pulled up the sleeve on his sweater till it was bunched around his elbow. He blinked, still not looking down. “Y-Yes, I like feeling…good…”

“I can make you feel excellent, love. But, you need to say you want it first.” He finally met her eyes. In the dim light, they were nearly black again, although her brown hair shown out against her tanned skin.

“What’s your name?” She gave him that same evil grin as she tapped his arms a few times.

“Ruby. I’m here to help you. Call me your…guardian angel.”

Cas felt his heart beat as he saw her hands come up to rest against his forearm. “Ruby.” He tested the name out against his lips. She nodded.

“Now, Castiel, tell me this is what you want.” The amber liquid sloshed around inside the needle. Cas recognized it, all too well. He remembered every time he shot himself up into opiate oblivion. He wanted to refuse, but she was just too damn pretty.

Castiel looked down at the needle in Ruby’s hand, poised over his arm, but it was like looking through a kaleidoscope. The same pieces of colored glass, just making different shapes this time.

He nodded, finding his voice at last, giving her a small grin. “Y-Yes, this is what I want…this is what I…need.” 

He felt the small pinch of a needle and he shut his eyes, feeling the slow submerge he had long since pushed away. He laid back on the bed, his skin feeling soft and plush again the covers. Ruby climbed on top of him, straddling his hips and licking a small stripe up his neck. Cas could barely feel it, he was too fixated on his bloodstream.

“Oh…Castiel.” She whispered; her voice feathery in his hair. “Welcome to Wonderland.”

****

Dean woke up with a start. His phone was ringing madly in the other room. Careful not to wake Lisa, he shuffled out of bed and tiptoed down the hallway, catching it on the last ring. He didn’t even get a chance to speak before he was hit with a rush of words.

“Dean, where the HELL have you been? I’ve been calling you for days!” Jo sounded angry.

Dean rubbed his temple. In reality, he had been avoiding everyone, hiding out in his apartment with Lisa, celebrating the summer heat with endless sex and alcohol. Enough alcohol to keep Dean from calling out someone else’s name during sex. 

He glanced at the clock. It was nearly 2 AM. 

“Jesus, Jo, I’ve been busy. Why are you calling this late, Lisa is sleeping-“

“Have you seen him, Dean? Please, tell me you’ve seen him.”

“Seen who, Jo? I’ve been in my apartment all week, I barely left at all.”

“Fuck.” She cursed loudly, and her voice sounded scratchy, like she’d been crying.

“What’s going on?” Dean felt his heart speed up.

Jo sighed. “Gabe had to call the police…yesterday…”

“The police?” The other line was quiet. “Why did he call the police?”

It was dead silent. “Jo, why did he call the police?” Finally, Jo spoke.

“It’s Castiel, Dean. Nobody’s seen him for days. They think…we think he might be gone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drown - Front Porch Steps


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is some minor character death towards the end of this chapter. Also, see if you can spot the other TV show referenced, you'll know it when you see it. Comment/kudos if you guys have time thank you<3

Dean stared dumbly around him. Castiel’s room was different then he remembered, although he had only been up here three or four times in passing. It was large and had blue walls and a grey carpet. The wood on the furniture was dark. In the center was a large, tidy bed, next to that was a desk. There were other things; shelves, books, a big stereo nestled in with hundreds of CDs. There were pictures and posters and other oddities, but Dean could barely notice them.

The room _smelled_ like Castiel, the air nearly tasted like rain and electricity, and Dean went to stand by the desk, running his hands over everything in hopes to find something, some reason, that could explain why Cas was gone.

It had been a week since Gabe had involved the police. Nobody knew where Cas could’ve gone; his behavior had been erratic and unstable ever since Dean had found out the truth, at least according to Charlie.

Dean looked at the papers cluttering the desk. Most of them were hand written, poems, letters, college brochures, normal things. Dean bit his lip hard enough to draw blood. He had known Cas, loved Cas, and in all that time he had never even imagined that he could just disappear.

There was the sound of the door opening and Gabe walked through, acknowledging Dean slightly before heaving himself down onto the bed, his face pale and shaken.

“Gabe, are you alright?”

He nodded without speaking, tears running quietly down his face. Castiel’s parents hadn’t taken much of an interest in their eldest son’s disappearing act; Dean had only spoken once to Mrs. Novak and that was to tell her that there would be lots of people coming in and out of their house. She had just nodded and offered him a glass of wine. Gabe had taken it nearly entirely on himself to sort out Cas’ whereabouts. So far, they were at a dead end.

“They found something.”

Dean straightened, his eyes going wide. Gabe clutched at the sheets, rumpling them between his long fingers, just like Castiel’s. Dean waited till he was ready to speak.

“They found it in the alleyway behind a club Castiel was at a week or so ago.” Gabe looked up, his eyes hard. “The bartender said that he had been in there, drinking, till he freaked out and ran out the door.”

“Why did he freak out?”

“Because he saw a ghost.” Gabe’s face was shadowed, his lips trembling slightly. “Because…he saw you.”

Dean took a moment to piece it together. The club, the boozy kisses between him and Lisa, the sound of his voice as he ravaged Molly, his acoustic guitar, singing an angst-y song about no forgiveness and other dark things. It was enough to make Dean’s head hurt. He sat down on the bed next to Gabriel, his eyes stinging.

“What did they find?”

Gabe shuttered involuntarily. “I-In the alleyway…crumpled up next to some trash cans, I guess, they…they found the coat.”

“His trenchcoat?” Gabe nodded. Dean swallowed hard. 

Maybe Castiel really was gone.

****

Cas woke up, jolting upright, as if out of a nightmare. He looked around him, taking in his cramped surroundings,

He was in a bus, but it was small, more like the Scooby-Doo van then a Metro. There were no seats, only blankets and pillows that smelled like cannibas and smoke. There was someone driving and a large man in the passenger seat, but he was in the back. He looked down…he wasn’t completely alone.

Castiel was half naked. His shirt was balled into the corner of the bus, and his pants were unbuttoned. Ruby laid half on top of him; completely bare except for her small, lacy underwear. Cas leaned back, looking up out of on of the dirty windows. It was dark outside, lights blinking and then vanishing as the car moved.

Ruby stirred, groaning and stretching, looking up at Castiel though fanned out, caked eyelashes. 

“Do…you want to f-fuck me, Castiel?” She looked enticing.

Cas just nodded, leaning down to scrape their lips together. She twisted her arm up into his hair. He shifted himself over her, feeling her smooth skin underneath him.

“Wait…” She protested and he drew back. She stretched her hand out and felt around in the back for a little while before she pulled out a small eyeglasses case. From inside that, she took out two little white pills, slipping one between her teeth and then offering him the other, with a devilish smirk.

Cas kissed her mouth hard before grabbing the second pill out of her palm and swallowing it down. 

He hoped maybe this one would make him forget.

 

****

Lisa left. She made a big fuss about it, screaming while she picked up her things from around the apartment, yelling about how she thought Dean was over Castiel, that they were finished. He just sat on the couch with his head between his hands, apologizing over and over, in hopes that she would stop yelling so damn loud.

Dean almost threw up when she started crying. He sat awkwardly, looking up at her as she sobbed in his hallway.

“You’ll always love him, won’t you? I mean, I can try but I can never be him for you. How can you still love him? Do you know how fucked up he is? How broken? Don’t you understand? Castiel is POISON. He isn’t coming back. He’s…gone, Dean, he left and did he say goodbye to you? No! He just disappeared but I’m still here…I can be that person for you…” She trailed off as she looked at his face. It was written clearly in the slant of his cheekbones, the widened eyes…the parted lips. She wiped her face and left quietly, crying softly as she shut the door behind her.

Dean wasn’t hers to lose.

****

Jo nearly cried when Dean came into the Roadhouse. He looked exhausted and strung out, more so then she had ever seen him. He fingered the amulet around his neck quietly as she made them lunch and sat down beside him.

She reached across the table and took his hand. The calluses on his palm made his skin rough and she wondered if Castiel had them too. Lately, she had thought of Cas often, whether she could help it or not.

“How are you, Dean?” 

He swallowed and stared down at the food before him with a masked distaste. He usually ate burgers like a dying man, but his appetite seemed to have abandoned him. Dean shrugged noncommittally and, after a brief moment, he spoke.

“I’m fine, I guess. It’s strange…after I found out about what he’d done I convinced myself that I was better off without him. You know, how could someone who lies like that be a good companion? But…I miss him. And not just the good stuff either. I miss everything, even the shitty parts.”

Jo didn’t make a move to speak, so Dean continued.

“This one time…we got into a rally bad fight. I mean, we had fought before, but this was different, this was so much worse. I don’t remember how it started but all of a sudden neither of us could stop, it became a competition, to see who could hurt the other one more.” Dean chuckled slightly. “I was always better at fighting then he was. He would just scream that I had daddy-issues and I would take him down, I mean, the kid’s no angel, it wasn’t hard.”

“I called him a slut. I remember shouting ‘A whore is a whore is a whore’ at him and he just stood there…he was wearing this dumb Brand New shirt with the candle on it and I wanted to stop, he looked so sad, but I couldn’t. So I just kept yelling till he cried. Eventually, we made up. I bought him flowers and he forgave me.”

Jo raised her eyebrows. “And…this is a good memory for you?”

Dean shook his head, a lopsided grin on his tired face. “Not at all. It was a horrible few days, but…he loved me enough to forgive me, even after all the horrible things I said.” Dean shifted his elbows onto the table. “I miss that unconditional forgiveness. I mean, I never had that, I hold a grudge be damned, but he….couldn’t. And I miss that fucking Brand New shirt. I miss…him.” Dean felt a tear roll down his cheek and he reached up to brush it away.

Jo nodded, chewing on her bottom lip. “I miss his coffee.”

Dean laughed shortly, his eyes still wet. “He did make some killer coffee didn’t he? It was the best hangover cure.” Jo smiled.

“I miss his huge, ridiculous sweaters.”

Dean leaned back, his hands clasped behind his head. “I miss his laugh.”

Jo sipped her drink around a smirk. “I miss his motorcycle.”

“I miss his tattoos.”

“I miss his phone-sex operator voice.”

“I miss his amazing sex hair.” 

Jo went quiet. When she spoke, it was a whisper. “I miss his eyes.”

“Yeah.” Dean agreed. “Me too.” It was subdued between the pair for a little. Both of them pushed the food around their plates. When Dean spoke, his voice was hoarse, almost gravelly. “Do you think he’ll ever come back?”

Jo shrugged. “If he doesn’t, then, well, we’ll just have to find him.”

****

“Castiel?” Ruby’s face swam into his vision. He sat up on his elbows and looked down with his eyebrows raised. There was someone sucking his dick. Ruby pulled on his chin, turning his face towards her own. “Baby, do you want some more?”

He felt fuzzy and mellow, clearly full of drugs already. He sighed inwardly. Whoever was trying to give him a blowjob was doing a piss poor job of it. Dean had always been good at that.

He shook his head and allowed Ruby to kiss him. When they pulled apart, he looked around. They were in a dingy motel room and it was hot as hell.

“Ruby, where are we?”

She shrugged, her brown eyes raked over his chest. “Not sure. That guy kicked us out of the van somewhere in Utah. I think we’re still around there.”

She bit his lip but she pushed her off. “How many of us are there?”

Ruby rolled her eyes. “Sometimes a lot and sometimes it’s just me and you. Right now…” She looked down at the give giving Cas head. “It seems that we have a third wheel.” She leaned in towards his ear. “Her name is Lilith. I think she likes you.”

Cas shrugged, reaching towards the side table for a bottle of vodka. Later, after Lilith had convinced him to sleep with her, he noticed she had green eyes. After that, he stayed away from her. She looked too much like home.

****

Dean got the call on a Thursday. It was late afternoon, and he was sitting in his living room when the phone rang. He answered it without really thinking, his mind on other things, but the voice on the other line stopped him dead.

“Dean?”

He nearly dropped his dish. He gripped the counter for support and swallowed hard.

“D-Dad? Is that…uh, is that you?”

John chuckled on the other line. “Yes, it’s me, Dean.”

He leaned heavily against the counter. “What’s going on? Did something happen?” John took a low breath and then spoke out in a rush.

“Ellen called. She, uh, she told me about Castiel disappearing. I’m sorry to hear about that.”

“Thank you. I, um, I appreciate the call but-“

John continued. “What happened, Dean?”

Dean shook his head, looking up toward the florescent light that illuminated his tiny kitchen. He was nineteen years old, lived alone for months, and yet still he felt his walls breaking down, his child-like dependency reblooming in his chest. A tear slipped down his cheek.

“I don’t know where to find him, Dad.” His voice shook. “He’s just…gone. Everybody’s looking for him but he could be anywhere by now. I don’t even know where to start.”

John was quiet for a minute, as if he was thinking about what to say. “People don’t just evaporate, Dean. He’s out there somewhere but…well; Ellen said you guys broke up. She said it was a bad one.”

“It was.”

“Then, I have to ask, if you do find him…what will happen?”

Dean slid onto the floor, the linoleum tiles slippery against his pants. He clutched the phone with both hands and counted his breaths, a trick he had learned from Cas to steady a heart beat.

His voice sounded pained. “I don’t know. I can’t…I can’t think about that, not yet. Not till he is back in Lawrence.” His dad hummed, as though he was satisfied with that answer. Dean tried to be okay with it too.

John coughed and spoke again, lighter this time. 

“Listen, Dean, the reason I’m calling from this number is…um, Amy, Rose and I are actually in Kansas now. Just for tonight and tomorrow, but we’ll be staying in a hotel while we’re here.” Dean sucked in a breath. “Listen, son, I need a favor.”

“W-What is it?”

“Rose is dying to see you. Would you…maybe mind taking her tomorrow? Amy and I…we’re going to the cemetery. I want her to meet Sam and Mary. I think it’s time…I put it off for too long and-“

“I’ll take Rose.” Dean’s throat was closed, his eyes red and wet. Pride and happiness swelled in his stomach at his father’s words. He had been so bitter for so long towards the old man, he couldn’t help but shake with relief.

They chatted for a few more minutes, nothing strained. They set up a time for Dean to pick up Rose from the hotel and John told him about how his life in Scranton was. When they hung up, both Winchesters felt content. Dean slept better then he had in a long time. For the first time in awhile, he had something to look forward to.

*****

If the music was any louder, Cas was sure it would break his eardrum. The club they were in was so dark that he could barely differentiate the men from the women but it didn’t really matter. He kissed whoever’s lips were near his and he took whatever drug was being passed around. He could live like this. He could die like this.

“Do you miss him?” It was cold now; they were walking along an empty highway. Castiel’s jacket was around Ruby’s shoulders, and he walked beside her, arms folded across his plaid flannel.

“Miss who?” He was shivering, but not from the cold. He could taste the drugs like bile in his bloodstream. I

Ruby rolled her eyes, scanning the street lazily for cars. “Dean Winchester, obviously.”

Castiel winced involuntarily. That name was still so painful to hear no matter how much he tried to drown it out. He couldn’t say it or else he might feel homesick and that would make all of this self destruction pointless.

They walked on in silence as it stretched thin. It was summer but the air seemed frozen somehow. Ruby didn’t try and hold his hand and he was grateful for that.

“You know…it doesn’t matter what you say.” Ruby was whispering. “I can tell that you miss him. I can see it in everything that you do and everything that you are. Soul-mates aren’t meant to be apart, Cas, it’s not healthy.”

“He isn’t my soul-mate.”

“Of course he is, dumbass.”

Cas turned toward her, his eyes squinted. She was looking opposite him across the street towards the trees that stood overshadowing the highway. “What about you, then? Where’s your soul-mate?”

Ruby seemed to hold her breath for a moment and Cas worried he had said the wrong thing. When she spoke, her voice was thick and cold. 

“I believe that everyone gets one epic love in this life.” She looked sideways at him through devious, dark eyes. “I’ve already had mine.”

They didn’t talk for awhile, instead they continued on down the dark road, although Cas wasn’t sure exactly where they were going. Ruby turned her head up to the sky.

“I meant what I said, Castiel.”

“Oh? And what was that?”

She turned to look at him once again, her face alight with drugs and naivety.

“Soul-mates aren’t supposed to be apart.” 

****  
Dean watched with fondness as Rose sucked on the straw of her strawberry milkshake. She grinned happily from the hood of his car where they sat perched on the lookout over Lawrence. The city sat beneath them, and all the while they stared down at it, sipping ice cream through plastic straws.

Dean had taken Rose to all the places he loved. She had walked around Lawrence with their hands intertwined, beaming at every small detail with childlike reverence. They had gone until they were hungry, then Dean picked them up burgers and sodas at the Roadhouse and grabbed milkshakes to go. They parked on the edge of the lookout and watched the city in a calm quiet. It was getting late but Rose looked happy.

“I never knew strawberry milkshakes were this fantastic.” Rose beamed and Dean grinned at her.

“Neither did I. I only discovered their magnificence this year if you can believe it.”

“Did your angel show them to you?” Rose said softly. “Did Castiel?”

Dean swallowed and gave her a tight smile. “Yeah, he, uh, he did.”

She shifted closer to him, her hands wrapped around her small cup. “We can talk about him, you know, if you want to. Daddy told me not to bring him up but I don’t think that’s fair.” Her big eyes were so worried and earnest. 

Dean sighed. “There isn’t much to say, Rose. I just…can’t find him. I don’t even think he’s in Kansas.”

Rose looked over the city. Her face held a soft smile that showed her small dimples. She got up on her knees, balancing carefully on the Impala’s hood.

“The moon is pretty tonight, huh, Dean?” 

He looked up at it. It was big and white and cast shadows on the world. “Yeah, it sure is, kid.”

She leaned sideways, resting her head against his shoulder. “Everyone in the world can see the moon. It’s so big and close to us.” She whispered in his ear. “If you think about it, he can’t be too far. I bet he can still see the moon.”

Dean swallowed hard but didn’t speak. He was afraid to break the spell.

“Focus on that, Dean, focus on the fact that you and him will always be close enough to see the stars together. If you remember that then you’ll find him. I promise.”

He turned to her, tears stinging his eyes without his consent. He felt foolish, asking this wisdom from a child.

“How can you be so sure?”

She shrugged and smiled absently, her eyes towards the sky.

“People who are meant to be always find their way back to each other.”

****

Cas looked towards the ceiling. The air was parched and dusty; any moisture from the cool morning dew had been sucked dry. All around him lay people, some past out, some staring absently around with dead eyes. The sun was rising through the dirty glass window to his left. Somebody in the corner was playing the guitar. The notes sounded like tin as it bounced around the walls.

_…Get me away from here, I’m dying…play me a song to set me free…nobody writes them like they used to so it may as well be me…here on my own now after hours…here on my own now on a bus...think of it this way you could either be successful or be us…_

He looked around for Ruby but he couldn’t find her. His bones ached when he shifted around to get up. His hands felt dry and cracked; when he looked down he saw they were coated dark red. Was it blood?

_…I’ll settle down with some old story about a boy who’s just like me…thought there was love in everything and everyone…you’re so naïve…they always reach a sorry ending they always get it in the end…_

No, it was just paint, and he peered around for any sign of art or something that could explain. He swallowed hard when he saw it. The wall facing the sun had been decorated in variations of red and black, etchings of demonic eyes dripping red and soulless, screaming black faces all surrounded one small phrase.

_They’ll get you too._

Beneath the art laid Ruby. She wasn’t moving.

He ran to her side, cupping her face and feeling her neck for a pulse. Her head rolled lazily to the side, her skin pale and chilled with sweat. There was no breath coming from her lungs. Cas felt his hands go limp around her shoulders. 

_…That wasn’t what I meant to say it’s all from where I’m sitting rain falling against the lonely tenement has set my mind to wander…into the windows of my lovers…they’ll never know unless I write…this is no declaration I just thought I’d let you know goodbye…_

“She stopped breathing around three last night.” The boy next to Ruby’s body gazed at him with little interest. He was wearing a beanie low on his forehead and his eyes were blood shot and weak.

Castiel’s breath caught in his throat. He stepped back from the wall, his hands shaking. 

“Why d-didn’t you tell anyone she was dying?”

The boy shrugged and turned away, wrapping his arms around his chest like a shield. “The gods wanted her, dude. I don’t fuck with that stuff.”

Castiel turned and stumbled out of the musty room. He didn’t know where he was or how he had gotten there. He ran his tongue over his cracked lips and tasted blood like metal in his mouth. They were in a run down house; it seemed in the middle of nowhere. The sun was rising over the desert and it reminded him of the lake-house with its small dock and little boat rocking in the ripples. He didn’t know what to do. With numb hands, he reached for his phone.

Surprisingly, it was still in his pocket. He dialed the familiar number and listened with trepidation as the rings continued. The dial tone clicked without so much as a message. Cas held his breath for a second then he spoke, his voice like gravel.

“My mother told me that you can’t cure depression; that taking pills would never fix me, and even if I did end up taking six instead of the prescribed two it never sped up the process. But you…you tasted better than Prozac. You kissed me like I was alive, like maybe I wasn’t completely void, you believed there was something left inside me worth saving. My bones never ached when you touched me, Dean, you made me okay. I am so sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you. If I could take it back, I would. You…you left Dean. You left me and I haven’t washed my hair in two weeks. I haven’t slept well since we last spoke. My mother was right.” He took a breath to steady himself. “It never rained there; you used to always complain that it was too dry. It poured all week, the lake overflowed and I thought of you. I’m not in Lawrence anymore, and I don’t think I’ll ever go back. Too many memories I guess.” He waited, but the silence continued. “Goodbye Dean.” 

Another pause. “I love-“ The line clicked and then went dead. Castiel was out of time.

He put his phone back in his pocket and sat on the dirty ground. He watched the sun rise for a long time till he heard voices again. People were starting to notice Ruby’s death, but nobody really seemed to care. A van pulled up to the building and three people crawled out. They were thin and unsteady, probably a lot like Castiel. 

Cas stood and walked to the car. In the driver’s seat sat a pretty woman with black hair. Her eyes were fierce and her arms were toned beyond normalcy.

“Hi there.” She said her voice warmer then Cas had imagined. “I’m Pamela. Do you need a ride somewhere, handsome?”

Castiel looked backwards, toward Ruby and the den of iniquity he was leaving behind. The house looked like death, like lost causes with nowhere else to go in life. Castiel didn’t want to decay in there. He opened the passenger side door and got inside.

“What’s your name, love?” Pam looked sideways at him as she started the engine.

Castiel shook his head, staring out the front windshield, desperate to get away. “Does it matter?”

****

Dean threw the door to the Roadhouse open. Charlie screamed and Jo nearly jumped out of her seat at the sudden intrusion. They recovered quickly, hurrying towards the door to see what was the matter.

“Dean, okay, what the fuck?” Jo raised her eyebrows. His eyes were wild, his hands clasped around his phone, staring at it like it was made of gold.

“He called me.” His voice was barely a whisper, but he may as well have yelled it. Charlie sucked in a breath.

“Castiel?” She asked. He nodded slowly.

Jo stepped in front of her. “What did he say? Did he tell you where he was?” Dean shook his head, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat.

“N-No, it was a voicemail…he called at like five this morning, I was still asleep. But…” His jade eyes were round and he glanced between the two girls. “I know where to find him.”

“How?” They both asked; their voices synced.

He shook his head, pulling a laptop out of his bag. He set it up on the bar table behind them, his fingers flying deftly over the keys.

“It’s an old trick my dad used to pull when I was younger. The GPS in your phone can be switched on, if you can get pass the password. I have the location he called me in, but we can literally track his every move if…” He looked up at Charlie.

“If what?”

Dean breathed out through his teeth. “C’mon, Charlie, we all know you’re the expert at getting passwords. Please.”

She raised her eyebrows, her eyes lit up, but her mouth thin. “Dean, that’s illegal…”

He shrugged; excitement and anticipation churning in his stomach. “When has that ever stopped us before?”

Charlie thought for a second then nodded. “You’re right.”

****

They were on the road two hours later, heading towards a road outside of Las Vegas. They had called Gabriel but insisted that he stay behind, opting out instead to pick up Balthazar and Anna, who eagerly agreed to come along. They handled the maps while Charlie tracked Cas on the laptop, Jo sat in the passenger seat and Dean drove. 

“I can only track him if his phone stays on.” Charlie admitted, her eyes scanning the red blinking dot that was her best friend. “If it dies or switches off, we lose him.” Dean pressed his foot down onto the gas pedal a little harder. They had to find him.

****

Cas grinned as the drugs took over, washing away all his pain and grief over losing Ruby. He never got the chance to really know her, but she had been his travelling companion and they had fucked more then once. He hadn’t even said goodbye.

The red paint eventually washed off his hands as he and Pamela went around Las Vegas, partying with strangers and hooking up in the bathrooms of gas stations. It was a dirty, messed up life, but Castiel was beginning to get used to it.

****

They drove in shifts, not wanting to stop for longer then a meal. Anna and Charlie argued over how to deal with food and bathrooms, but Dean could see they weren’t just nervous. There was something that the twins weren’t saying.

The fifth time they began to bicker he stopped the car on the side of the highway. “All right, that’s it. What the hell has gotten into you two?”

The pair looked at each other guiltily. It was Anna who finally broke the tense silence.

“We talked to Castiel about three weeks ago.” Jo gasped and Dean’s eyes narrowed.

“You what? Why didn’t you tell us?”

Anna shook her head. “He called me on accident. Most of it was garbled but I managed to catch a few things he was saying.” She winced. “He’s back on drugs…but worse then before. Much worse. He left with someone named Ruby, I think, and…he told us he didn’t want to come back. We just…”

Charlie cut it. “We’re worried that he might not come back with us. He may ask us to leave him behind.”

Dean started the car and slammed it in motion, scaring everyone. Jo cried out, “Dean, Jesus Christ!” But he wasn’t paying attention.

“No.” He said, through gritted teeth. “We are finding him, whether he likes it or not.”

****

Cas lost Pam on the third day. They had been at a party and she had left with a man named Jesse. She kissed him goodbye and told him to be safe. He just nodded and stumbled up one of the staircases.

It was a nice house, although it reeked of pot and had graffiti coating the walls. Cas ran his fingers over the pictures. They were pretty and terrifying, like the ones he and Ruby drew at the old place. This house was more alive, but there was the underlying stench of regret and hopelessness.

Cas opened a door. There was a couple having sex on the bed while three people shot up in the corner. A few months ago he would have cringed, maybe even recoiled at the sight, but now he just stared at them with moon eyes and left the door open as he continued his trek down the hallway. 

The second door led to a bathroom. The mirror was smashed, the toilet clogged, and the bath was stained and cracked. In it laid a young girl; she must have been only thirteen or so. She was wearing ripped up fishnets and her eye makeup was ringed and smudged down her face. She waved at him as he stood over her.

He tilted his head to the side, staring as she shifted, showing her full face. She was pretty for a young girl, but her eyes were completely void.

“What’s your name?” He asked, and she grinned, shutting her eyes.

“My name’s Effy. Effy S-Stonem” She had an English accent that sent shivers up Cas’ spin. She glanced at the sink. “There are pills over there if you want them. They aren’t mine.”

Cas looked over at the dilapidated sink and took the orange bottle. It was a mix of prescription, something for depression, and little blue pills that he didn’t recognize. He shrugged, pocketing them and moving to leave.

Effy called out after him. “Have you seen my brother? Have you seen Tony? I…can’t find him…” Her words were lost as Cas rubbed his fingers over the pill bottle’s lid.

The third and final door led to an empty bedroom. Cas stepped in and locked the door behind him. It was dark and comfortingly quiet, although he could hear the bass from the speakers downstairs as it reverberated through the floor. He sat down on the stained mattress. The bed frame protested underneath his weight, but he ignored it.

Cas looked down at the bottle in his hand. He opened the lid easily and poured the contents out onto his palm. There was about six white pills and four blue ones. Enough, he thought, probably enough. He was tired, so damn tired, of it all. He could run from Lawrence and he could run from his parents and friends but Dean was inside his head. There was only one way to escape that. He put two of the white pills in his mouth and swallowed.

****

The sky was darkening as Balthazar pulled the Impala up in front of the house. There were lights on in most of the rooms, and even from the safety of the car, Dean could smell the stench of drugs and sweat emanating from the front door, which hung off its hinges.

The group sat in the car in silence, staring up at the house. All but Charlie, who watched the red blinking light slowly stop and die out on the screen. Cas’ phone was dead. If he wasn’t in this house, then they would never find him. She decided not to tell the group this just yet. She could see the pain etched onto Dean’s face as he gritted his teeth, surveying the broken down building. Quietly, Charlie shut the laptop and put it at her feet.

“You really this Cassie is…here?” Balthazar asked, looked over his shoulder at the twin girls.

Jo was the first one to leave the car. “We won’t know till we go inside.”

****

Everything died eventually. So Cas was cutting out a little early, what did it matter? Life sucked anyway. He took three more of the white pills and dry swallowed them, grimacing a little bit. His vision was already going foggy.

Things were going fine before he met Dean. It was when he had stumbled across that boy; that’s when things got…weird. Dean had been so amazing and Castiel had been so defeated. Cas held up the last white pill and shrugged, taking it with two of the blue ones. The walls had begun to change colors, dripping down into pinks and violets like he had never seen before.

If he had to, he could die like this. Sure, it would suck not being able to say goodbye to anyone but the people that really mattered where too far away. Maybe if Cas had more time before the drugs kicked in, he could call Gabriel and tell him he loved him. 

He wondered if people would come to his funeral. Would there be a wake or would his parents bury him quietly then tell the rest of the family he had run away at Christmas? How long until he was really forgotten; until all the people who could have remembered him had moved on to bigger, better, more important and stable things. 

Cas crawled halfheartedly towards the floor length mirror on the other side of the room. With great difficulty he took off his shirt and stared at the angel wings that adorned his back. They were beautiful and righteous, everything Castiel was not. He traced his clumsy fingers over the words etched onto his side, as if feeling the ink would make them alive.

He took the last two blue pills as he stared at the words on his ribs.

_It was a pleasure to burn_

****

The group had ransacked the lower floor of the house for a half hour. They yelled over the music and shook people’s shoulders, but everyone was too drugged out to even hear them. Anna scoured the basement with Jo but they came up short. Balthazar and Charlie asked anyone they saw if they had seen Castiel. Dean took the stairs two at a time till he reached a dank hallway. There were three doors.

The first room was nasty. There was a couple sleeping on the bed while a few hippies roamed around; their heads slumped as though they were heavy. A cracked out woman tried to flirt with Dean. Her smile was yellowed and gummy. He felt his stomach turn. What had these people done to his baby?

Charlie and the rest of them came upstairs. One look at their faces and Dean knew it was hopeless. 

“I don’t think he’s here.” Dean’s voice cracked at the last word. Jo’s eyes filled with tears.

“What are we going to do?” She was shaking and there was a certain look in her eyes. She didn’t want to give up just yet.

Anna sobbed slightly and Balthazar wrapped an arm around her shoulder. Dean rubbed a hand over his jaw, willing himself to not cry. He needed to get out of this house.

“We should leave.” Charlie declared her voice low and sad. Dean nodded and the group moved to go. Someone grabbed the sleeve of Dean’s jacket.

“Have you seen Tony?” It was a girl, very young, far too young to be here.

He tried to pry her fingers from the leather. The rest of Dean’s friends stood awkwardly behind him. “No, I haven’t. I, uh, I haven’t seen Tony. I’m sorry.”

The girl shook her head and dug her nails harder into Dean’s arm. “I need Tony. I need him to get the boy out of that room down there. That angel took all the pills and now he’s going to drown.” She looked thoughtfully at the floor. “Or maybe…I’m going to drown. I’m not sure…his eyes were so…blue…” Dean froze.

“Where is he?” Jo asked, walking past Dean to hold the girl’s shoulders.

The girl grinned as if someone had just told a joke she did not understand. “Who?”

“The boy…the, uh, angel you saw. Where is he?” She laughed lightly at Jo’s question.

“He’s down the hall I assume. I’m…going to find Tony. I think he’s here…I need to find my brother.” The girl glided past the group, calling Tony’s name quietly as she sauntered down the steps and disappeared around the corner into the crowd.

Dean tore down the hallway to the last door and tried the handle. It was locked.

“CASTIEL?” He screamed, pounding his fist against the wood that wouldn’t budge. Charlie appeared next to him, banging on the frame and yelling alongside him.

“He can’t hear you, guys. We have to break it down, come on.” Balthazar slammed his whole body against the door and there was a sharp crack. Dean did the same and it almost gave way. One more time and it splintered open, revealing a horror that Dean almost couldn’t comprehend.

He stayed in the doorway as his friends rushed past him into the room. Castiel was in there, shirtless and skinny, lying face up on the floor with an empty pill bottle in his hand. His eyes were rolled up toward the ceiling. Dean tried to force his feet to move but he couldn’t.

Charlie pulled Cas’ head into her lap and yelled at him, tears streaming down her face.

“He’s still got a pulse!” Balthazar shouted, and Anna pulled out her phone, dialing a number and kneeling down beside him.

Cas voice was low and soft when he spoke. “W-What…are you doing…here?”

Charlie nearly sobbed in relief. “We’re here to bring you home, baby, we’re here to save you.”

Cas laid back, his skin pale and sallow. He looked like he hadn’t eaten in days. Dean wanted to cry and scream and rage but he was frozen, clutching the door frame for support.

“No…no…” Cas whispered. “You can’t be here…there are monsters here…they are close by now. You have to leave.”

Charlie sobbed and ran a hand through Cas’ hair. His voice was fading now, his eyes slipping shut as Balthazar tried to resuscitate him.

“Please…let me go, my friends…this world is too much for me.”

His hand hit the floor as he finally gave way to the unconsciousness. Balthazar moved over him, cupping his face with one hand and sticking his fingers down Castiel’s throat. He sputtered, coughing once before vomiting. After he had emptied his stomach, he slumped over again. Charlie cried out loudly.

Balthazar continued to work, giving mouth to mouth and pumping Cas’ chest. Dean slid down the wood onto the floor. Anna came over and clutched his arm, but her face was only swimming in his vision. He barely heard her as she spoke.

“Dean? Dean, stay with me, okay? Balthazar is helping him, it’s alright. Dean? Dean, are you-“ 

A low, painful scream of anguish ripped its way up Dean’s throat. He cried and yelled while Anna stared, unsure how to help him.

Finally Dean just stared as Balthazar continued to work Castiel over, trying to bring back that spark of life. Balthazar pressed his head down to listened closely to his chest; after a moment he pulled back and cursed.

“What if he dies?” Dean was shocked by the terror in his voice. Anna winced, as if she had been thinking the same thing.

“I-I…I didn’t…” Dean felt his face run hot with tears. Anna tore his eyes away from Cas to look back at Dean.

“You didn’t what?”

“I didn’t get to say goodbye.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get Me Away From Here I'm Dying - Belle and Sebastian
> 
> PS: just for peace of mind (and clarification): HE IS NOT DEAD


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pay attention to the time jump at the end (it'll be explained better in the next update) thank you all so much please let me know what you think!

The Roadhouse smelled like it always did: spilled beer and bacon. Dean bypassed the bar and headed up the stairs that led to Jo’s house. He waved to Bobby in the backyard but the old man was too absorbed in his car to bother to look up. Ellen stopped Dean in the living room.

“Hiya, baby.” She hugged him and stepped back, her smile was warm. 

“Hey, Ellen.” He felt almost childlike again under her stare.

There was a pregnant pause before Ellen shook her head. “You’re getting too damn old, Dean. It makes me feel like a grandma before Jo is even out of the house.”

Dean smiled and patted her shoulder good naturedly. He was never good at small talk.

“Speaking of the Devil, is Jo in her room?”

Ellen nodded. “Yeah, yeah, packing for college. She leaves in about a week. When do you…?” She trailed off at Dean’s face. College was not a subject he wanted to breach right now. She seemed to get that and waved him past towards Jo’s room without another word.

He didn’t bother knocking, just opened the door with a grin. Jo was on the floor, cross legged, surrounded by heaping mounds of glossy pictures. She looked up when he came in.

“Dean! ‘Sup?” He joined her on the ground, leaning up against her twin bed. He glanced at the photos and swallowed. They were of them.

“What are you doing?”

She gestured to the two distinct piles on the floor. “Ones to take to college and ones to leave at home.”

“What about the other nine hundred piles, then?” He picked up one at random and leafed through the photos. It was from their sophomore retreat. Dean was standing in the lake holding Jo over his head. A group shot. Some girls blurrily making peace signs at the camera. Dean grinned and put them down.

“Those are mostly ones I haven’t gone through yet…but some are organized by people. Like there’s Garth…” She pointed at a small pile by her leg “And Charlie and Victor etcetera etcetera. I figured if I’m not gonna have them than they can.”

Dean nodded, and rummaged around for his pile. It mainly consisted of old pictures, baby pictures; he put some to the side to take home. “Where are all the ones from senior year?” Jo winced and handed him a pile from behind her.

“I kinda, um, lumped them together with…Castiel’s. There were so few of you apart so I just figured you wouldn’t, you know, want them.” Dean’s face turned grim. He took the pile from her and gave himself a moment before he looked down at the photographs.

He and Castiel in the backseat of the Impala, sleeping. He and Castiel after a concert, sweaty and red-faced. Castiel on a skateboard with a grey sweatshirt that Dean found familiar. He looked at each of them briefly, but stopped dead on the ninth. He had never seen it before.

It was before prom, while everyone was getting posed for the group shot. There was the blurry image of someone on either side of them, but the camera was clearly focused on Dean and Castiel. Dean was laughing, his face tipped back, eyes shut, and Cas was staring at him, mouth curved in a strange way, like it always looked when he said the letter ‘h’. Dean barely recognized himself. 

“Dean?” Jo’s voice was soft. “You alright?”

He cleared his throat, the moment over, and looked away from the photo. “Yes. Yeah. I’m good. It’s just a lot to handle you know…I’ve barely seen him since…”

Jo just nodded, pulling her bottom lip through her teeth. “I should’ve told you sooner.” Dean looked up. “I talked to him two days ago.”

He sat up a bit straighter. “You did? How is-I mean- what is, um, what is he up to?”

She shrugged, lowering her eyes to the floor. “Packing, I guess. He leaves for Stanford in like eleven days.” She paused. “He was really happy that he was still able to go. After rehab and all he wasn’t sure if he was ready to go that far for college but Gabe convinced him. He’s clean now, you know.”

Dean scratched his jeans. “Yeah, I figured, since the last time he took anything he was trying to die.” Jo flinched and Dean immediately regretted saying anything.

After they found Castiel in Nevada, he had been hospitalized for about a week. Dean stayed there while the rest of them went home on a bus. They transferred him from the hospital to a rehabilitation center about an hour away from Lawrence and Dean hadn’t seen or spoken to him since. Charlie tried to get Dean to visit, but he refused. Part of him really didn’t know why he was so afraid to see Cas…but the other part was stronger and won the arguments in his head.

Dean mumbled an apology and the pair sat in strained silence for a few minutes. Jo stared at the photo that Dean had put on the floor, but Dean refused to look at it. 

He stood after awhile, cracking his knuckles and forcing a smile. “I’ve gotta go, I got my interview is soon, its airing tonight, and I can’t be late.” Jo frowned.

“Dean, are you sure that it’s the right choice? I thought-“

He cut in, backing up to the door. He had heard this speech a million times the last few weeks. “It’s my choice. I just…I can’t…” He faded off, his hand on the knob.

“I can’t make you do anything, man. I just…don’t want you to regret it, you know?” 

Dean forced his face to grin. “This will make me happy. Trust me.”

He had almost forgotten how easy it was to lie between his teeth.

 

****

“You don’t have to do this, Charlie.” Cas looked up from his suitcase with narrowed eyes. Charlie was leaning against his desk with an easy smirk on her lips. She had come over about an hour ago to help Castiel pack.

She shook her head slowly. “It’s not just for you, dumbass. California is beautiful and you need a roommate as much as I need to get out of Kansas. And plus…well; now we can experience the whole adult world thing together. Isn’t that what you want?” 

Cas sighed and crossed the room, gripping her shoulders with both of his hands. Her eyes were big and sad and he could never refuse them. “Of course that is what I want. But what about your education? What about your future?”

Her face broke out into a wide smile and she shook herself out of his grip. “That’s just the thing; I’ll be going to school there too! There’s this school called American River College that had an awesome technical institute and great programs. I applied there in the winter and got accepted but I didn’t think I would have anywhere to stay. So…” She sat down on his bed and shrugged. “Killing two birds with one stone then. I don’t have a future here. We can live together and I can go to school.”

Cas grinned. “You’re sure about this?” Charlie nodded enthusiastically. 

“Absolutely.”

Cas laughed. “Then…I guess we’re roommates.”

****

Castiel felt his phone buzz in his pocket. He was sitting on his bed, surfing the web for somewhere to keep his motorcycle while he was at school. He doubted they would let bikes like that on campus, as much as he didn’t want to leave it behind.

It was a text from Jo. He squinted at it for a moment before he could actually comprehend what it read.

Jo: Turn on channel 11 RIGHT NOW it’s important.

Castiel shuffled off his bed and walked to the living room, kneeling in front of and turning on the television; flipping through the channels till he got to channel eleven. The local news was playing.

He watched for a minute before the next story started. His mouth went dry.

_“I’m sitting here live with Dean Winchester, a graduated senior from Lawrence High and football sensation. The topic of the night is Mr. Winchester’s choice to commit on scholarship to play football at Penn State. How are you tonight, Dean?”_

And there he was. Beautiful and nervous looking, Dean sat up impeccably straight in the padded chair as the woman asked him questions. Castiel touched the glass of the TV screen but he couldn’t change the picture. It was suddenly extremely hard to swallow.

Dean forced a laugh at one of the interviewer’s questions and Cas felt his skin get goose bumps. It would have sounded real to anyone else. He understood now why Jo had texted him. Dean was planning on committing to Penn State, foregoing his contract with California Records. He wasn’t going to be doing what he loved anymore.

_“So what made you decide to choose Penn State? According to your record you had a few other options.”_

Dean shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Cas watched with uninterrupted rapture.

_“Well…I guess all I can say about that is that plans change. I…um…couldn’t foresee what would happen this past year. Really in the end, I have nothing left for me here in Lawrence. Although, my contract with Penn State is not set in stone, it seems to me like that is the best option at this point.”_

The story ended. Castiel’s phone buzzed again. It took him a moment to tear his eyes away from the screen to read the message. It was from Jo.

Jo: You’re the only person I know who can convince him not to go there. Please, Castiel. He needs you.

Cas didn’t even hesitate. He grabbed his keys and slammed the door behind him, heading in the direction of Dean’s house, which had almost become unfamiliar again.

****

Dean sat on his living room couch, his guitar in his hands, picking at the strings and singing low so he wouldn’t bother the neighbors. 

_“…I spent this year as a ghost and I’m not sure what I’m looking for…I’m a voice on the phone that you rarely answer anymore, I came in here alone…but that doesn’t scare me like it did seven months ago…I spent this year as a ghost and I’m not sure where home is anymore…”_

He hadn’t bothered to watch the interview. He had lived everything his TV-self had said, there wasn’t nay use. Instead he had watched the LED lights on his clock count up till he could go to sleep. He’d gotten restless about fifteen minutes ago and began to play.

_“…I came out swinging from a South Philly basement caked in stale beer and sweat under half lit fluorescents…I spent the winter writing songs about getting better…and if I’m being honest I’m getting there…”_

There was a pounding at the door. Dean absentmindedly wondered if he had ordered pizza and forgotten about it. It wouldn’t be unlikely.

The door swung open and Castiel pushed his way inside the apartment. He looked angry, albeit murderous and he turned on his heel, shaking his head with an accusing finger.

“You, Dean Winchester,” He announced “are a son of a bitch.”

****

Cas had spent the whole car ride to Dean’s apartment getting angry. How could Dean give up the greatest opportunity of his life? How could he change his mind so suddenly? He had to force himself to calm down when his wrists began to ache. He couldn’t risk an anxiety attack right before he saw Dean.

He had climbed the stairs slowly, and paused outside of the apartment’s door. Dean was clearly inside, and he was singing, playing one of Castiel’s favorite songs acoustic in the living room. Cas felt his blood boil.

He pounded on the door and pushed his way inside, to afraid that seeing Dean’s surprised face would make him run scared.

“You, Dean Winchester, are a son of a bitch.” Dean’s eyes were wide, his mouth opened slightly and his eyebrows raised.

“C-Castiel? What the hell are you doing here? I-“

“I saw your interview.” Dean stood still, gaping at him.

“You are NOT a football star, Dean. You’re a musician, you know that.” Dean’s eyes narrowed.

“You have no idea what you’re talking about, Cas. I think you should leave. You lost your right to judge me when you made that bet with Crowley.”

Cas felt all his emotion drain in one, quick instant. “Is that why you’re going there? Because…I would be in California too?”

Dean sat heavily on the couch. “No. Well…that’s not all of it. This is what I want.”

Cas shook his head, suddenly exhausted. “No, it isn’t, Dean. Nothing’s changed. You can’t choose the path that’s easier; you have to choose the one that’s right.” 

“Is that why you ran away? Because it was right? You’re such a hypocrite, Cas. How can you tell me what to do when you don’t even have a grip on your own life?”

Cas winced. “I’m better, Dean. I fell and I messed up…but I got back and-“

Dean stood from the couch. “I had to watch you die, Cas. How do you think that felt? I stepped in that godforsaken house and watched you die. You do not get a say in my choices. Now, please, just leave.”

Cas swallowed and shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “No.”

Dean fumed. “Damnit, Cas, we aren’t in love anymore you can’t keep pulling shit like this and think its fucking okay!”

“I still love you.” Cas whispered; his voice scratchy.

Dean looked up sharply. “What did you say?”

“I still love you.” Dean was silent, so Cas filled in the spaces with his own words. “I had never in my life experienced love. Not from my mother or my father or anyone else. I got scared and I messed it all up but my best mistake was always you. And...I still don't understand love. But that's okay because I feel it. I’ve always felt it…with you.”

Dean turned his back. His shoulders were shaking, but Cas couldn’t hear him crying. He felt foolish all of a sudden, as if coming to Dean had been one vast mistake. He wanted to leave, but part of him, the real part, wanted to stay.

“I am so sorry it ended this way. I am so sorry it ended at all. I just want you to know that being with you was the only place I ever wanted to spend the rest of this life that I never planned on living.” He reached out to touch Dean but thought better of it.

“Whatever you choose, Dean, whether its music or football or anything in-between, whatever you choose, make sure it’s really what you want. You’ll never forgive yourself if you make this choice carelessly.” He stepped back towards the door.

Dean turned. His eyes were lidded and sad. Cas retreated to the door.

“Why are you doing this, Cas?”

Castiel’s hand was on the knob. He felt the door open. With one final glance over his shoulder he spoke.

“You were the first person on this Earth who made me feel something and when I picture myself happy, it’s with you.”

And then he was gone.

****

Eight days later, Castiel left with Charlie for Stanford. They packed their bags into Charlie’s car and Cas left his motorcycle behind. Gabe, Jo, Garth, Tessa, Anna and a few others who hadn’t left yet came to say goodbye. Dean stayed at home and sipped whiskey from an old chipped glass.

Jo hugged Cas tight around his middle, relishing in his clean smell. She wouldn’t see him for a long, long time.

Cas kissed her forehead and smiled. He looked content, but Jo remembered how happy he used to be.

“Dean made his choice.” She reached her hand up and ran it through his hair.

Cas lifted his eyes over her head to look at Lawrence for the last time. “It’s strange…I’m actually going to miss how grey Kansas can be.”

“Cas? Did you hear me? I said-“

Castiel looked back at her, his eyes pained. “I know what you said. But I don’t want to know. He made his mind up and I…I just can’t bring myself to think about it. I’m sorry, Jo.”

She brushed a tear away from her cheek and shook her head. “No, no, you have nothing to apologize for.” She laughed lightly and pressed her hand to Cas’ chest. “I’m really going to miss you, Novak.”

He smiled lightly. “I’ll see you soon, Jo.” 

Before she knew it, the car was driving away, full to the brim with Cas and Charlie’s lives, tucked into suitcases and shipped away to California.

****

FIVE MONTHS LATER

Charlie loved California. The streets were long, the colors bright, and she didn’t even mind the apartment. She and Castiel were shacked up in a four room high-rise over a pharmacy and across from a bagel shop. She went to class every day and waited up at night with dinner while Cas finished shifts at the bar down the street. He needed more money to pay for his psychology textbooks, but he didn’t seem to mind. It was the happiest she had seen him since Dean left.

Her class had been let out half an hour late and she was exhausted. Instead of going back to the house, she stopped in a local café for coffee and a muffin. The barista winked at her and Charlie flirted back. The best kinds of lesbians were in California.

Someone tapped on her shoulder and she turned. With a gasp and a cough she nearly choked.

He was standing there in his leather jacket and jeans, skin tanned and freckled from the Cali sun, his eyes ablaze green and sparkling. Charlie had never been so mesmerized in her entire life.

“D-Dean…?”

He smiled and she felt her eyes tear up. “Hiya, Charlie. Did you miss me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Came Out Swinging - The Wonder Years
> 
> PS - i got a message on tumblr that said it makes the story better if you listen to the songs during the scenes (they asked me to share that with you all) my tumblr is = alltimeskyhigh


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Normally i wouldnt suggest this, but with this chapter i think you guys should actually listen to the songs during the scenes or at least hear them once (you know, for effect) let me know what you guys think! only one chapter left!
> 
> Miss Atomic Bomb - The Killers  
> The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shots - Brand New

Dean felt the plastic edge of his phone dig into his forehead. He was sitting on the coach in his living room with his phone clasped between his two hands pressed to his temple.

Castiel had visited him yesterday. Dean had been so surprised and angry he barely even registered when he said ‘I love you’. It had hit him like a truck, but before he could even muster up the courage to respond Castiel had left him. He was leaving in eight days and Dean had a choice to make.

He opened up his phone. No new messages. Not from Jo or Charlie or Cas or John; nobody who could help him make this choice.

His phone splintered against the wall.

****

Dean woke up to a knocking on his door. He had fallen asleep at his kitchen table, drinking himself slowly into inebriation where he could sleep without being disturbed. His head was pounding; result of not drinking any water. Dean stared at the crucifix that hung over the archway in his kitchen. He wasn’t sure if he believed in God anymore.

More knocking and Dean couldn’t bring himself to just ignore it this time. Maybe it was Castiel again. Maybe somebody had made this decision for him.

He opened the door, which actually hadn’t been locked and stepped back in surprise. Meg was standing in his doorway, cleaner and prettier then he had ever seen her. She looked beautiful in a manicured, chic way. He gestured for her to come in without a word. 

She was wearing tall black boots that stretched nearly up her thigh, dark denim jeans, a gray sweater that barely concealed the bump of her stomach, and a white scarf that wrapped around her head like a shawl, contrasting her red lipstick elegantly.

Dean stood for a moment, his eyes drawn to her hands which were clasped on her belly, almost protectively. His mouth couldn’t form the words to speak.

“The answer is yes.” She spoke, and Dean had never noticed how syrupy and smooth her voice was. She smiled at him. “It’s a boy, or so they tell me.”

“Y-You’re…pregnant?” Dean sat down on his couch. Meg just nodded. “Who’s the…uh, I mean…is it Crowley’s?”

She laughed and it sounded like silver bells. “No, God, no. His name is Abel. He’s taking me away from here.” At Dean’s raised eyebrows, she shrugged, moving her hands up to take off her scarf. “From Lawrence, from Kansas, from them, however you decide to take it. I’m leaving tomorrow. I just have a few loose ends I need to tie up.”

“That’s, uh, nice.” There was a brief, uncomfortable stillness. “Meg? What the hell are you doing here?”

Dean waited in silence, dumbfounded. Meg simply continued, unfazed by the oddness of the whole situation. “We were never friends, Dean.” She announced. “Part of me regrets that, especially since you were such a big influence on Castiel. Although we never were close, or even acquaintances that is, I like to think I know you. I've seen what you do to get people to like you and I've seen what you do to ease the pain. I've heard what you say out of malice and what you spat out of spite. But none of these things made you happy because not one was done for love.”

“What are you…talking about? You don’t know me.”

She shook her head, still standing in front of him. “Castiel loved you. So I made sure you were good for him, and you were.”

Dean stared. “Why? Why would you do that? I thought-“

“Castiel deserves to be happy.”

Her tone was fierce and there was a certain pain in her eyes that Dean found hard to place. Their eyes matched in power and it was uneasily quiet for a few moments till Meg sighed.

“I know what you’re going to do, Dean. You’re going to go to California, you’re going to work at that record company and you’re going to live a long, peaceful life on the coast. There’s nothing for you in Kansas or Penn State or anywhere else for that matter.”

“I don’t understand.”

“It’s Cas…he’s….Dean, Cas is it. You know that right? Cas is it for you. There’s not going to be anyone else.” Meg paused. “And I think you already know that.”

Dean nodded; his expression grave. Meg sighed dramatically and patted his shoulder.

“Like I said, I’m leaving. I’m the last person who is going to make this case to you. Football is not where you belong, Dean Winchester, but that place, that home that I know you’ve craved as much as I have; it’s out there. I found mine in Abel. I’m sure you’ll find yours somewhere too.”

She turned to leave, her eyes soft and her posture strict. With her hand on the knob she turned and smiled at Dean. He had to ask.

“Why are you doing this? We never…I mean, why are you helping me?”

She paused again, weighing the words as if they were heavy on her tongue. When she spoke, her eyes shined with tears. 

“You’re not the only one who loved him.”

****

The next day Dean drove to Penn State and denied his scholarship. There were reporters, and yelling but Dean simply stared at them before driving away in the Impala. He called Jimmy Collins from the road and accepted the internship at California Records.

When he got back to Lawrence it was late. Instead of going back to his apartment he drove to the Roadhouse. The Harvelles were still awake, eating dinner around a plaid cloth table like a regular American family Dean fit in perfectly in-between Bobby and Ellen.

Jo cried. They kept lamenting about how proud they were of Dean and about how much they were going to miss him. He smiled his first real smile in days. When he left the bar, the night was chilly. He wrapped his leather jacket tighter around him and, on impulse, lit a cigarette from his glove box and held it between his teeth.

He smoked on the hood and scrolled through the pictures on his phone. He had yet to delete any of Castiel. Although his hands were shaking, it wasn’t from the cold. Dean traced the blueness of Cas’ eyes, perfectly captured in the tiny screen.

Dean looked up and blinked back tears that threatened to spill down his face. The stars were blurry in his vision. He thought for awhile about how much had changed this past year and he wondered if it could ever be normal again.

Without looking back, he put the keys in the ignition and drove back home.

****

He spent the next week packing. He barely left the house except to say goodbye to the few people in Lawrence he would miss. Dean skipped out on saying goodbye to Charlie and Castiel, although Jo begged him to at least try and make it. He told her over the phone that it was just too hard.

“Make sure he remembers to bring his phone charger, okay? He always, uh, forgets that.” She promised him she would.

Dean didn’t know exactly when Cas left for sure, but one night Jo came over with pizza and Star Wars and Dean just assumed he was gone. He thought that him leaving would make the move easier, but, in truth, it just made everything worse.

****

California was, in fact, the most beautiful city Dean had ever seen. It was loud and colorful and the people smiled at you on the street. He drove to San Francisco and looked over the edge of the Golden Gate Bridge and he didn’t even think about jumping. 

For the first month his life consisted of nothing more then work, school, homework and performances. He kept his profile low, he made some new friends, and he focused on his music in a way that he had never before experienced.

Then two months passed and he signed onto a few recording projects. He began to create music as well as produce it. He met Billy Joe Armstrong at a fancy party and the man actually shook his hand. Girls around campus started to come out and see him play in the dusty bars of California. Things were beginning to change.

Three months passed since he moved and he began calling Jo, John and Rose more often. He began to remember things, certain details that he had previously pushed out of his mind. He would lay awake on his mattress, shoved unceremoniously into the corner of his apartment, and remember how Castiel sounded during sex. He imagined Missouri’s laugh and the way Anna blew smoke Os through her pretty pink lips. He started to look back at pictures and wave after wave of nostalgia washed over him. This new life was good but he stared at his face in the Halloween pictures, his eyes ringed with eyeliner, or how his laughter was captured perfectly when Cas was behind the lens. Slowly but surely, he began to remember what was missing in his life.

It all fell apart on the fourth month away from Lawrence. He was out after work late in the evening with a few of his buddies. They were going to some nice bar-slash-pub in the city called McLaren’s. Dean had tagged along, more out of boredom then excitement.

He sat in a booth with them for a little while till they got finicky and tipsy and tried to flirt with women. Dean sighed and got up to order another drink, fishing his ID out of his pocket and heading to the bar.

“One beer, please-“He froze. He recognized that mop of black hair and he had kissed those slender fingers wiping that glass clean. The only thing different about Castiel’s appearance were the black framed glasses that now sat delicately on his face, accentuating his cheekbones. Dean tried to get his brain to work, tried to get his feet moving but it hit him in that instant. He wasn’t ready to face Castiel. They had been silent for too long, too many words unspoken, too many things Dean had never been able to say. His hands trembled.

Cas raised his eyes and their stares met for a brief second. There was the sound of shattering glass as the cup slipped from Castiel’s fingers. Dean barely heard it; he was too busy hustling out the door, not even waving at his friends as he ran from the bar.

Someone called his name loudly from inside but he kept pushing till he was out and could breathe easier. He gulped cold air into his lungs the second he got out of the bar. Then he turned on his heel and walked. He walked for awhile till his hands went numb and he called a taxi to drive him home. Once he was back in his apartment he collapsed on his bed and cried till his throat felt scratchy and his eyes were red.

Circumstance always led him back to that street, or at least that’s what he told himself. It was a simple, small street about fifteen minutes from his apartment, eight minutes from his school. There was the bar, a few apartment buildings, a café that sold amazing muffins, a bank, and a charming little grocery shop that had a sweet old woman who bagged the food. 

Dean would travel there every so often, maybe once every two weeks or so. He would get money from the ATM outside the bank with his hood up, watching out of the corner of his eyes for Castiel. He would sit at the café in a window seat and stare at the pedestrians walking by, wondering to himself if they knew Castiel the way he did.

Finally, in early November, he couldn’t resist anymore. He went to the café and ordered a black coffee. The barista always gave him a syrupy smile but he knew that she was only doing it to be kind. That girl was a lesbian if he had ever seen one.

He sat there and drummed his fingers against the lacquered tables, watching the steam rise from his coffee till he felt foolish. He was about to leave when fate intervened. And fate, as he called it, came in a 116 pound bright red haired lesbian.

He tapped on her shoulder before he could lose his courage.

The words came to him, easier then he thought. “Hiya, Charlie. Did you miss me?”

****

“I just can’t believe it…” Charlie’s voice was quiet. They were sitting opposite each other, hands clasped on the table. The barista was glaring at Dean, her jealousy obvious. Dean smiled. “I mean, you’ve been so close this whole time…barely twenty minutes away and…I just…”

Something bloomed on her face and her eyes went wide. “Wait…that day you saw him in the bar…I remember that day!”

Dean raised his eyebrows. “What are you talking about?”

“He came home that night…and he remembered”

_The door slammed open around two AM. Castiel usually came back after his shift, around eleven, but this time was different. He stumbled in, clutching the doorframe for support. Charlie sat up, alarmed. Castiel was wearing an unfamiliar shirt, some kind of horrid floral print that he would never actually wear, his glasses were askew and his hair mussed._

_Charlie got up cautiously, catching him when he slumped forward, defeated._

_“Castiel? Cas, baby, what happened?”_

_“I saw-“ Cas stopped, swallowing hard and digging his nails into Charlie’s shoulders. “I swear, Charlie, I swear to God I saw him. Dean! He was…right there. In the bar.” He reeked of alcohol and Charlie pulled him close, gently taking his glasses off his tear stained face. “It hurt so bad. God, I miss…I miss him so much”_

_“It’s okay, Cas.” Charlie pulled his face into her shoulder. Cas leaned up, kissing her on the lips, pushing his weight into it. Charlie made a noise of surprise that Cas must have thought was acceptance. He pulled her even closer, crushing their mouths together._

_“C-Cas…mm’gth.” Charlie put her hands flat on his chest and pushed back. “Stop!” Charlie backed away from him and covered her mouth. He looked so pathetic sitting there._

_“I-“ Cas paused, trailing off. “I’m so sorry, Charlie. I didn’t…”_

_Charlie got to her feet and took a few steps backwards. She wasn’t mad, not really, but she was scared. Castiel never acted like this. He froze and his eyes looked wild._

_“Please, don’t go.” His voice sounded hoarse and pathetic._

_Charlie took his arm and led him to the sofa. He put his head into the crook of her neck and cried. Charlie wrapped her skinny arms around him and sighed._

_“I’m not going anywhere.”_

Charlie gave Dean a strange, almost pained look.

“Why didn’t you stay in touch with him? After, you know; everything that happened.”

Dean looked away, his words catching in his throat. “I don’t know. For a long time I told myself he needed to heal and I needed space but…now I think that I was just afraid. I wasn’t equipped to properly deal with the hand we got and…I couldn’t lose him if I just left him. That was wrong, so fucking wrong. He got under my skin like nobody ever had before and I couldn’t…I couldn’t…”

Charlie cocked her head. “You couldn’t what?”

Dean shook his head, his voice betraying him.

Charlie nodded slowly. “I understand what you feel, you know. The first few weeks we were here he was like a zombie. Sure, he smiled at us and he went through the motions but it was like he left himself in Lawrence. Like…he broke when you weren’t there. He would sit at the breakfast table when it rained and clutch his coffee cup so tight, like he wanted it to shatter. I was scared for him.”

Dean felt his cheeks go warm. He ran a hand over his mouth, staring at Charlie. She looked lost in thought.

“And what about now?”

She looked back at him, half dazed. “What?”

“D-Does he still love me?”

Charlie’s lips turned up into a soft smile. She could see right through Dean’s casual façade. He was scared. “He never stopped. He’s very good at lying, you know that, and he can lie to everyone, even himself, but he can’t lie to me.”

Dean blushed. “Then…maybe you can help me out with something.”

“What do you need?”

Dean gripped the table till his knuckles turned white. “I don’t care what it takes, Charlie.” He looked her dead in the face, his green eyes alight. “I’m getting him back.”

****

“Do we really have to?” Cas groaned from the couch. “There’s a Doctor Who marathon on TV and you know how much I love David Tennant.” Cas pouted.

Charlie walked into the living room, putting on her earrings with a smile. “Yes, Cas, come on. Anna is only up for the weekend and she’s dying to go to this concert.” Cas groaned dramatically and slid off the couch. “Complain all you want, Castiel Novak, but you are going.” She turned around and shut her bedroom door. “Be ready in fifteen minutes.”

Her phone, which was lying on the bed, came alive with the Kim Possible ringtone. She snatched it off the bed and answered it with a grin.

“What’s the sitch?”

Dean grunted. “You’re going to do that every time, Charlie?”

She laughed and looked in the mirror. Satisfied, she flopped backwards on the bed. “Everything ready for tonight, Dean-o? I have my part down. I keep him in the building till you’ve said what you can.”

She could hear the nervous edge in his voice. “Four weeks in the planning, three plane tickets, a sold out venue…I’m scared something’s going to go wrong.”

“Nothing’s going to go wrong. You got your songs picked out? You only get one shot at this.”

“Yes.” Dean said slowly. “What time are you guys coming?”

Charlie glanced at her watch and beamed. “Now. Get ready, my boy. It’s showtime.”

****

Cas sighed inwardly. His feet had already begun to hurt and the concert hadn’t even started. Anna and Charlie were talking excitedly in his ear and Cas was nodding along, forcing himself to have a good time. They didn’t even tell him who the band was.

The venue was packed to the brim, full of drunken college kids and older guys. He cracked his knuckles and laughed at a joke Charlie made. The lights began to dim and the buzz of exhilaration swept over the crowd. Wow, the lights were nearly out, it was pitch black. Was it supposed to be this dark?

****

Dean clutched his electric guitar in his hands. The entire stage was completely dark, but he could feel it, deep within him. Castiel was here somewhere. He swallowed hard. Jo was standing to his left, her guitar ready. Adam was behind him on the drums. Victor stood close by with his piano and bass, Dean could see his shiny white smile even in the dark. This was it.

He struck the first chord of the song and it rang out in the silence of the building. The crowd quieted. Dean pressed his lips against the coolness of the mike. He could do this. He had to do this. This was his last chance to make everything right.

_“…you were standing with your girlfriends in the street…falling back on forever I wonder what you came to be…I was new in town the boy with the eager eyes…I never was a quitter…oblivious to school girl’s lies…”_

It was just his voice alone in the dark. He wondered if Castiel recognized it.

_“…When I look back on those neon nights…the leather seats, the passage right…I feel the heat I see the light…Miss Atomic Bomb…”_

He felt the lights start to go up, warm on his sweaty face. This was where he belonged, he known that forever. He looked to his sides and saw his friends; he looked out and searched for blue eyes…that he loved.

_“…making out we’ve got the radio on…you’re gonna miss me when I’m gone…you’re gonna miss me when I’m gone…racing shadows in the moonlight through the desert on a hot night…and for a second there we’d won…yeah, we were innocent and young…”_

****

“Cas?” Charlie was looking up at him, but he couldn’t answer. He couldn’t even breathe. He had recognized that voice from the first syllable. 

“W-What…what is he…?” He swallowed hard. Charlie took his hand.

“He’s here for you.”

_“…cast out of the night you’ve got a foolish heart…so you took your place but the fall from grace was the hardest part…the vision’s like a dagger buried deep in your back you run for cover but you can’t escape the second attack…you’re soul was innocent she kissed and she painted it black…you should’ve seen your little face...burin’ for love holding on for your life…”_

 

“For…me?” But Charlie didn’t hear him. She was as mesmerized as he was.

Dean’s fingers slid over the chord-happy electric guitar and Castiel felt a pang of longing for those hands again, just like he had that very first day in their Senior Chemistry class. Just like he had every second since he had laid eyes on Dean.

_“…all that I wanted was a little touch a little tenderness in truth I didn’t ask for much, no…talk about being at the wrong place at the wrong time…Miss Atomic Bomb...”_

Dean stopped playing and the music quieted. He gripped the black mike with both hands and shut his eyes. His face held that look that Castiel recognized. He knew.

_“…the dust cloud has settled…and my eyes are clear but sometimes in dreams of impact I still hear…Miss Atomic Bomb, I’m standing here…sweat on my skin…in this love that I’ve cradled…it’s wearing thin…but I’m standing here and you’re too late…you’re shock-wave whisper…seals your fate.”_

Cas felt something wet slip down his cheek. His glasses held the reflection of all the colorful lights as they danced over the crowd.

The song picked up and Dean resonated the lyrics, but Cas could barely hear them. He was trying to decide whether to push forward or leave. Charlie squeezed his hand and he turned his eyes toward her. Her face was serious and she shook her head. 

“Don’t leave.” She mouthed. She stood on her tiptoes and whispered in his ear. “He’s got one more thing to show you.” 

Before she could say anything else the crowd erupted into ear splitting applause, drowning out both their voices. Cas turned his eyes to the now-darkened stage. What more could there be? His heart was in his throat and pounding harder then he could ever recall.

A soft, warm spotlight came on, revealing Dean standing solo center stage, his familiar acoustic guitar clutched in his hands. They were shaking. He smiled lightly and pulled the microphone closer to his mouth.

“Hi, everyone!” Castiel had missed that voice. “For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Dean Winchester, and I work for an awesome guy, Jimmy Collins, who helped me set up this whole night. But it wasn’t all him and it wasn’t all me…also Jo, Victor, Adam, Anna, Balthazar, who sadly couldn’t make it, and of course…most of all, Charlie. When I came to her with this idea she was practically lit up and…thank you. Whether or not it works I couldn’t have done this without any of you. So…” Dean trailed off.

Cas turned to Charlie with wide eyes. She winked at him and held a finger to her lips. “You need to listen, Castiel, this is so important.”

“I have a story to tell you guys. I, um, grew up pretty far from here in Lawrence, Kansas and in my senior year of highschool, fourth period Chemistry class, I met an angel.” Cas let out a shaky, breathy laugh. “He was so…ridiculous and I mean…I feel bad for anyone who doesn’t get the chance to have a conversation with the kid. He’s so socially awkward and adorable at the same time.” 

Dean’s smile faded a little bit and he looked down at the ground. “I remember when I realized. It was so clear, so obvious that he was the only one for me, and we both knew it, right away. As time passed things got more difficult, we were faced with more challenges, some seemed impossible. I begged myself to just forget, to try and remember what we had at the beginning” Dean grinned. “…he was charismatic, magnetic, electric, and everybody knew it. When he walked in, every woman’s head turned. Everyone jumped at the chance to talk to him. He was like this hybrid, this mix of a man who couldn’t contain himself. I always got the sense that he became torn between being a good person and missing out on all the opportunities that life could offer a guy as magnificent as him.”

His eyes swept the crowd, searching for Castiel but it was too dark. 

“And in a way, I understood that. I loved him. I loved him and I still love him. Even now, I love him.”

The audience was silent, dumbfounded. Cas covered his mouth with his hand.

Dean shook his head. “He always loved this band, Brand New, and he would give me grief about not knowing them well enough so…this…this is for him.”

He began to play.

_“If it makes you less sad I will die by your hand…I hope you find out what you want…I already know what I am…And if it makes you less sad we'll start talking again and you can tell me how vile I already know that I am…”_

_“…I'll grow old, start acting my age…I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate…a crown of gold…a heart that's harder than stone…and it hurts a whole lot…but it's missed when it's gone…call me a safe bet I'm betting I'm not…I'm glad you can forgive I'm only hoping as time goes…you can forget…”_

_“If it makes you less sad I'll move out of the state…you can keep to yourself I'll keep out of your way and if it makes you less sad I'll take your pictures all down…every picture you paint I will paint myself out…”_

_“…It's as cold as a tomb…and it's dark in your room when I sneak to your bed to pour salt in your wounds…so call it quits or get a grip say you wanted a solution you just wanted to be missed…”_

Castiel shook his grip out of Charlie’s. His expression was unreadable, turned to the front. He pushed forward, digging his hands into people’s shoulders despite their protests. Charlie called after him but he kept going, moving, towards the stage.

 

_“…Call me a safe bet I'm betting I'm not…I'm glad that you can forgive I'm only hoping as time goes…you can forget so you can forget…you can forge…you are calm and reposed…let your beauty unfold…pale white like the skin stretched over your bones…spring keeps you ever close you are second hand smoke…you are so fragile and thin…standing trial for your sins holding onto yourself the best you can…you are the smell before the rain…you are the blood in my veins…”_

Dean clutched the mike and sang the last verse like a prayer. People in the crowd held up lighters. Castiel got bumped and pushed to the ground.

_“…Call me a safe bet I'm betting I'm not…I'm glad that you can forgive…I'm only hoping as time goes…you can forget…”_

Dean held himself there for a moment, his eyes closed, expression peaceful, before slowly drawing back. He looked across the silent room as people held up lighters and cell phones, their faces smiling.

“T-Thank you.” Dean smiled for a second before he grabbed his guitar and left the stage, practically running, leaving it all behind him.

And in the crowd, Castiel got to his feet, looking around wildly for his friends or for Dean. He called out their names but it was lost among the roar of the people around him, screaming for more.

****

“He just…left?” Dean looked at Charlie with big eyes. She was gritting her teeth against tears at his expression. He had given it everything, he had tried so hard, it had all gone perfectly and Castiel was nowhere to be found.

“I don’t know…he ran off during the second song. I can’t find him. I am…so sorry, Dean.”

Dean looked away from the group. “It’s okay. Thank you, everyone. I really appreciate it all…I think…I think I’m going to go home now. I’ll see you guys around.” 

Charlie watched as Dean left, his hands in his pockets of the leather jacket, his head down. She swallowed back against the tears. He had hoped things would change for the better. Hope was a dangerous thing to lose.

****

Castiel grabbed the first red headed girl he saw. Thankfully, it was Anna.

“Where is he?” His expression was wild.

“Cas? Cas! Everyone’s looking for you!”

Cas took a deep breath to steady himself. His head was hurting just a little and he needed to find Dean. “Where is Dean?”

Her eyes widened. “Oh, Cas, he thought you went home. He left…just a little while ago. If you go now…you might be able to catch him…” She pointed to the double doors that led to the parking lot. Castiel called his thanks over his shoulder and ran out into the chilly night.

He stared across the massive parking lot. There were so many people; he couldn’t pick out just one. But then, in the back corner, he saw the Impala. That beautiful, beautiful car. And walking towards it was a man…a man wearing a leather jacket.

Cas took off towards him, his feet slapping against the pavement, his heart beating wildly in his chest. He could hear the blood rushing in his ears, and cigarette lighters being clicked on, and people’s shoes clicking against the sidewalk.

He was so close to him now. He could hear the buzz of neon signs lighting up and car engines starting and someone, a girl, laughing in the distance and he heard his own voice calling his name.

“Dean!”

He grabbed the figure’s arm and he turned.

Blue eyes met green and the world went quiet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs listed at the top!


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is it. THE END. Thanks so much to everyone who commented, left kudos, or even just read it in general. Please let me know what you think! Special thanks to Molly and Alexx for everything they do! Keep an eye out for more fanfics from me.

_Six Years Later_

Castiel rolled onto his side, staring at the golden light streaming through the window. He grinned calmly, watching the glittering rays reflect off his boyfriend’s skin like diamonds. Dean was always so beautiful when he was asleep.

“Dean.” Cas whispered, his voice like chocolate and sex, rich in the early morning. “Dean, wake up. The big day is here.”

Dean opened his eyes slowly, as if he was savoring every second. He dragged his eyes across the room slowly, till they swept over Castiel’s face. Dean smiled groggily. “Good morning, beautiful.”

Despite having been together for six years, Cas still blushed under his jade green stare and savory compliments. Even though he had been exhausted; having had a late call from a young client last night that stretched well past their allotted time, the pair managed to stay up later then usual, laying and talking on the soft white sheets so unlike the pale blue ones in their apartment. Charlie had claimed Dean’s smaller apartment as her own about four years ago, allowing Dean to move in with Castiel. It had worked out better then they could ever imagine.

The past six years had been full of happiness for the two boys. After they began to date again, they saw each other constantly. Dean got a record deal soon after his sold-out show, and, thanks to Jimmy Collins, he was now working on his own album, while still producing on the side. His album, titled _The King Is Dead_ was supposed to be a smash hit, but Dean was happy either way. He was doing what he loved with who he loved. He had found a home worth keeping.

Castiel, on he other hand, had graduated college in just four years and promptly opened up his own therapy practice in the vacant building next to the café. Business had been slow at first, but his clients were dedicated and the hours weren’t so bad, they gave him time to keep his romance alive.

And keep it they did. They traveled once, taking a ten day vacation to New Zealand, and although their trip mostly consisted of Dean talking about the Lord of the Rings, they had had a wonderful time. They went out on dates, sometimes with Charlie and sometimes alone. Sometimes they wouldn’t go at all; spending their time on the couch or the bed, reacting to each other’s familiar bodies as if it were the first time all over again.

They were in love and nothing had ever tasted sweeter. No drugs, no money, no driving force could tear them apart. They had found everything that they had been missing in their lives and they found it in each other.

If it had been a normal day, Dean would’ve gotten up before Castiel, showered, and made breakfast before work. They would eat together then Dean would leave, after kissing Cas goodbye, and they would spend some hours at their respective jobs. Some weeks were harder then others. Sometimes Castiel would have to wait up at night while Dean was in the studio, and Cas hated being in the apartment alone. But they always ended up in the same bed, even if they had been fighting minutes before. Dean found he just couldn’t rest without Castiel next to him. 

Cas stretched and looked around. Through his sleepy eyes he could tell that this was not an ordinary day. They weren’t even in their apartment. The hotel room was painted beige instead of their bedroom’s pale blue. Cas grinned lazily and looked up at Dean.

Dean, on the other hand, was worrying his lip. He slipped out of bed and went to the closet, pulling down the two matching black suits, clean and pressed, from their separate hangers.

‘C’mon, angel. I don’t think this is something we can be late for.” Cas rolled his eyes and reluctantly rolled out of bed.

He smoothed his hands down the front of Dean’s chest and back up again, wrapping his fingers around his neck and massaging his scalp.

“Don’t worry, Dean. Nothing’s going to go wrong.” Dean gave him a pained look. “Have you got your speech all written out?”

Dean sighed. “Yes. Yes. Seriously, Cas, what would I do without you?” Dean dipped his head low to kiss at Cas’ neck. Cas let out a low, appreciative sound, but the moment was short lived.

“Ah-Dean, it’s almost eight o’clock. And you’re right; the best man can’t be late for his father’s wedding.”

****

Castiel sat with Bobby, Ellen, Jo, and Adam, Jo’s new official boyfriend, during the ceremony. Dean and John stood, tall and proud, by the altar, both Winchesters wearing matching grins as Amy walked down the aisle. Dean had escorted his little sister to the front of the church where she stood as the maid of honor. The ramshackle family all held their breath as vows were recited and promises made. Finally, almost too quickly, John was dipping Amy in her dazzling gown and kissing her breathless, as husband and wife.

The reception was held in a small ballroom outside of Lawrence. There was champagne and dancing, and Rose even tried some of Dean’s beer. Dean introduced Castiel to the few family members he hadn’t yet met and they all smiled warmly at the pair, their fingers interlaced. A few fast songs played and the couple sat them out, smiling at each other over pristine silverware and gourmet food.

A slow song came over the speakers and Dean felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned and Rose stood there, her young face lit up with a touch of makeup and excitement.

“Dean, can we dance?” Dean looked at Castiel who nodded enthusiastically, gesturing for them to take the floor. Dean stood and bowed to Rose, who giggled girlishly, before taking her hand and leading her to the middle of the floor, amidst the older couples, including John and Mary.

Cas sipped his drink and watched his boyfriend sway with his younger sister. For some reason, he thought about Anna and Charlie and wondered if the twin sister’s had remained close after the concert. Anna had gotten engaged shortly after to a boy she had fallen madly in love with on campus. They had a small wedding in a garden and she had been stunning. Charlie as her bridesmaid, they had made quite an entrance. After the ceremony, the three of them had snuck out to the backyard and passed a joint between them. Cas grinned at the memory. Some things never change.

****

Rose gripped Dean’s shoulder tightly as they danced. The song was sweet and melodic, an old man’s voice soothing everyone in attendance. Rose was undaunted by the somber music. Now eleven, she was growing into a fine, exuberant young woman. Dean was proud of her.

_“…the book of love is long and boring, no-one can lift the damn thing…it’s full of charts and facts and figures…and instructions for dancing…”_

“Have you done it yet?” Rose whispered excitedly. Dean felt his palms start to sweat on her waist. He shook his head slowly and she squeaked. “Dean!”

He shrugged his face panicky. “I just haven’t found the right way to say it yet. What if I mess it all up and he gets the wrong idea?”

_“…the book of love has music in it…in fact that’s where music comes from…some of its just transcendental…some of its just really dumb…”_

Rose rolled her eyes and squeezed his hand. “It’s Castiel, Dean; you know exactly what’ll happen. You’re just psyching yourself out! I swear to god, if you don’t tell him, I WILL.”

Dean laughed as the song continued. He was always shocked by the wisdom that Rose possessed. She must’ve gotten it from Amy.

****

Cas opened the door to their apartment and dropped the bags on the couch, groaning loudly and cracking his back.

Dean walked in, pale and shaky, and gripped the doorframe, taking a few deep breaths. Cas hurried to him and helped him into one of the chairs at their two person table. Dean grinned sheepishly.

“Sorry, babe.”

Cas handed him a glass of water and kissed his forehead. “Nothing to be sorry for. I know how much you can’t stand flying, and we just did two pretty long flights in one weekend. Do you need anything else?”

Dean looked up at him for a long moment, the color starting to come back into his cheeks, coaxed by Castiel’s sweetness. Dean nodded and beckoned Cas closer. When he obliged, Dean pulled him in for a long, deep kiss, running his fingers through his messy hair while Cas pushed against him.

When they finally broke apart Castiel grinned, his eyes fixed on Dean. He blushed under that blue-eyed scrutiny.

“What?”

Cas shook his head, turning to switch on the radio, cranking the volume up so that it echoed through the whole house.

“I just never get tired of that.” Cas leaned in and kissed Dean again, ravishing his lips slowly as a familiar guitar riff blared out of the speakers. Castiel sucked in a breath. “Oh, I love this song.” He smiled deviously and ran his hand through Dean’s hair. “Come to bed soon, okay? I had to hold out all weekend and seeing you in that suit…” Cas trialed off, his lips brushing over Dean’s slowly.

“I love you.” Dean said softly, his breath fell on Castiel’s lips.

Cas pulled back, his eyes warm. He walked down the hallway, walking almost to the beat of the old rock song playing. “I love you too!” He called over his shoulder, walking into the bedroom with a look behind, promising all the different kinds of fun that was to be had in there.

Dean stood and felt himself grin naturally; it spread over his face like second nature. He was so happy.

_“…Carry on my wayward son…”_

They had made it to the finish line, against all odds. Against pain, liars, demons, and everything in-between they were still together. Castiel Novak and Dean Winchester.  
Dean reached into his pocket and pulled out the small black box he had kept in his pocket for weeks. His hands were shaking, but not from fear.

_“…There’ll be peace when you are done…”_

Nestled inside was a small white-gold engagement band. Dean had bought it with Rose a month and a half ago. He had it picked out for three years. He traced the small etchings on the side carefully, his eyes following the intricate design as it rounded the ring. It was perfect. Cas was perfect.

_“…Lay your weary head to rest…”_

He took two small steps towards the bedroom where Cas was waiting. A smile played out across Dean’s lips and his green eyes were lit with anticipation. It finally hit him. It didn’t matter what happened in the years to come because here he was with the love of his life…he made it. He beat the demons inside him, he had overcome the voices, the darkness, it was the moment he had been waiting for his whole life. He did it. He won.

Dean walked towards the bedroom, the box clasped between his fingers, but his hands weren’t shaking from fear. The next chapter of his life was beginning so smoothly and that was alright with him.

_“…Don’t you cry no more…”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again. please let me know what you think!
> 
> The Book of Love - Peter Gabriel  
> Carry On Wayward Son - Kansas

**Author's Note:**

> please comment/kudos (i love the feedback) thank you for reading!


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